Content warning – mental health, self-harm, reference to suicide
This is is a sort of Boo ya kick some serious butt -type blog post.
You may know that I have been in the psych ward for something approaching a month while I have been very unwell. My medications are being changed in a major way and it is messing with my sense of who I am. Yesterday was a low point in the past twenty years in that I started thinking like I used to when I was criminal drug-abusing destructive ‘Jeanette’ (as that variant of me was called.) Yesterday I wanted an end to responsibility. I didn’t want friends; I didn’t want a home or a job. I was self destructive and only very narrowly got to stay in this nice hospital and not have to go to the scary locked ward and only then because the nurses here and management are extremely kind and supportive.
I woke up this morning wanting death, I just spent the morning crying and wanting everything to disappear and leave me alone. I engaged in self-harm for the first time in many years. Yenn had lost their Yenn. Yenn was a broken person who just wanted to give up.
I am happy to say I do not want this any more.
I am a firm believer in the power of thinking and attitude. How we approach something can shape how we feel about it and today I set about in a pretty big effort of this. I slept lots and avoided anything stressful. Then I started to think about what I want. The thing that came fastest to mind was a new Whimsy Manor. I hadn’t been looking at real estate in while so had a look on Allhomes.com. And I enjoyed it. The properties there seemed available to me and this venture possible for the first time in a long time. The actual task of selling Whimsy Manor is that much less now that the kitchen renovation, which almost destroyed me, is now complete. I just need to clean the carpets and get the whole place cleaned professionally, then I can put it on the market.
Of course one element lies between now that that goal and this is my illness. I cannot sell a home from the psych ward so I need to recover, I need to get back to work, and I need to be able to live at home.
All these are Big Difficult Things but they are all things I have done before.
What do I have on my side to help achieve my goal of recovering, going home, returning to work and selling Whimsy Manor?
- My friends and parents
- Mr Kitty
- My very positive attitude
- My advocacy work meaning I am a positive human being who makes a good difference in the world
- My managers and colleagues at work
- The expertise and good will of a very professional hospital ward
- A private psychiatrist who is available at short notice
- 45 years of successfully being alive and learning lessons as I go
- Compassion and empathy
- An internal locus of control meaning I will take charge of my health
- Self awareness
- Assertiveness meaning I will speak up if I need to
- I am realistic – things can get better or worse. It’s what you do from where you are at that matters,
- I believe in myself. I have confidence in my ability to make change where change needs to be made
- And finally, I like myself and want myself to do well.
I would by lying if I said I was 100% confident about this or if I thought it is inevitable I will recover quickly and things will all fall into place. But I do know that the positive approach am adopting is more likely to help me get to where I want recovery-wise.
I didn’t just write this to give myself some confidence, I wrote it because I think there is information here which can help others. So I hope it helped you too.