One happy, non-stressy Yennski

When I was a child, my dad was friends with a man who was a business consultant of some kind and was a good judge of character. He told my dad that I would ‘get whatever they put their mind to’ in life. This was an interesting observation of a nine-year-old child, but it turned out to be true.

When I was a teen and young adult, I intentionally sought out negative outcomes for myself and guess what? I got negative things as a result! I discovered how easy it was to throw my life down the toilet – and I can attest from experience that it is frighteningly easy to do this! I spent four years as a prisoner between 1994 and 2000, dropped out of uni, had a major drug problem which led to me getting a diagnosis of schizophrenia – which I still need to take pretty brutal medication for now, even thirty years after the first episode of illness! Yep, screwing up my life and jeopardising my future didn’t take alot of work at all! I got what I wanted and what I wanted was not good.

In 2000 I was released from prison and started on a very different path. I decided that I wanted the new millennium to equal a new life so changed my ways. I aspired to be ‘ordinary’ – meaning I wanted an education, a professional job, a mortgage and a suit. And guess what? Within eight years of that goal, I had all those things. impossible? Not when you apply my absurd level of determination and motivation and through doing so proving my dad’s friend right.

Of course, my life was not easy at any point, but things did change in a big way.

Almost twenty years after acquiring my aspiration of a professional job, mortgage, suit and so forth I am actually happy. Not manic or delusional but genuinely happy. Anxiety always used to be my constant companion. It was severe and resulted in a number of episodes of psychosis – the anxiety neurotransmitters in my brain somehow trip off the psychosis chemicals resulting in – in my case anyway – years of misery and a very long time in recovery. A few years ago, I was so anxious it resulted in a suicide attempt! When I was in hospital afterwards talking to the psychiatrist and I said my suicidal behaviour was triggered by the internet not working at my house, he took it pretty seriously and for the first time ever I was properly medicated for anxiety. This turned out to be life changing! No longer did everything stress me out and make me miserable and worried about the anxiety triggering psychosis.

A couple of years ago I experienced ongoing bullying which made me very anxious and miserable. My psychiatrist at the time – a lovely woman called Julie – said how impressed she was with managing my stress and other feelings around the bullying as she had been very concerned the stress around it would result in psychosis. I think overcoming this situation with the bullies was the start of a period in, my life that I called being ‘non-stressy Yenn’. Nothing really worries me at the moment. I don’t; catastrophise about things and I usually have the approach to life that things should work out. It is amazing!

The other day I acknowledged that I was happy to go to sleep because going to sleep is such a nice thing! I appreciate how wonderful things are and face the world with genuine gratitude. How odd! It doesn’t mean there are no challenges in my life – far from it. It just means I respond to things indifferently. I am in almost constant physical pain with my arthritis and there is a whole subculture of bigots who hate me and my work and all I stand for. One of my books even faced bigotry and attempted cancellation the other day. This is not OK on any level but my main issue with it was that the bigots were harming transgender people rather that they were attacking my book.

I love being non-stressy, happy Yennski. I am not sure if this is a permanent state of being or if I will go back to worrying about everything but, as Janis Joplin wisely said, ‘get it while you can!’ I wish everyone some of my non-stressiness 🙂

Coming to terms with my ‘other’ diagnosis

I was talking with a friend the other day. They asked which of my diagnoses of autism and schizophrenia came first. In fact, they both came fairly close to each other – autism was 1994 and schizophrenia was 1995. (ADHD by comparison was in 2019 and anxiety somewhere in the mix – I don’t remember quite when!).

I was in denial about my autism for seven years after I got the diagnosis. Impressive though that is in terms of magnitude of Yennski not getting it, my schizophrenia diagnosis took me a lot longer to accept.

I have taken medication for schizophrenia for over 30 years. These medications are pretty brutal and most have significant side effects. Doctors do not generally prescribe such things lightly, but I still believe for many years that the meds were for something else. Even now I wonder on occasion if I need to take the meds. It is a common experience apparently – thinking ‘I feel well so I can stop with the medication’. The one time I did stop taking the meds I get extremely unwell and spent a month in hospital – something which you might think would demonstrate that I probably do have the diagnoses!! The other reason I am reluctant to take the meds is that I think I don’t have the diagnosis so why would I take the medication for it?

I have had a number of psychotic episodes and psychiatrists and nurses in hospital have told me that what I was experiencing was psychosis but even then, I didn’t really accept the label. I have gradually started to accept schizophrenia over the past few years and only really properly accepted it in recent months. I am not 100 per cent sure why it took me so long to come to terms with my schizophrenia diagnosis. I think popular culture may have had an impact. People with schizophrenia in popular culture are usually irrational, unable to engage in things like work or intimate relationships, are constantly unwell and are either perpetrators or victims of violent crime (usually perpetrators. In fact the term ‘psychotic’ tends to be used – incorrectly – in popular culture to describe a person being violent. There are very few representations of schizophrenia in the media and popular couple that are positive. In my case, because I did not fit the stereotypes it contributed to my belief that the diagnosis was inaccurate.

I didn’t want to have schizophrenia. To my mind there was nothing particularly good about it and a lot of negatives. When I was in hospital, I would see other people who were experiencing psychosis and it scared me, especially when I saw older people. Would this be me as I grow older? I wondered.

I now take a medication called Clozapine. This is an anti-psychotic medication which is only ever prescribed to people with treatment-resistant schizophrenia. Over the years hospital psychiatrists tried to put me on Clozapine, and I always declined. In 2020 when COVID had just become a ‘thing’, I went on Clozapine. It took 17 weeks of monitoring and tests and even now I need to have monthly blood tests and see a Clozapine nurse every month. I describe Clozapine as being a great medication but being a pain in the butt! It has actually been life changing. Things which I thought were correct without any doubt – such as there being ghosts in my house and being unable to do a bunch of things for fear of angering the ghosts – have become non-issues since going on Clozapine and I now recognise that these and other beliefs were due to delusional thinking.

So now after thirty years I have properly embraced my ‘other’ diagnosis. It is not shameful, and I do not need to be some kind of popular culture stereotype. It is part of me like all my other brain things are part of me. I can mostly mange it with medication and therapy. I am now meeting other autistic people with a schizophrenia diagnosis – there is a whole community of us! Schizophrenia is not reason for shame or self-loathing. It is another part of what makes me who I am. Like any chronic health issue it needs some management and understanding. It amazes me that it took me so long to accept my schizophrenia. I am meant to be wise and insightful. I guess I can’t be wise and insightful about everything! Anyway, it is nice to be in a place of acceptance and understanding.

Unwell Yenn drawing from 2019

‘Go my team – not!’ or being someone with no sense of allegiance

I was down the street today to donate some items no longer required at Yennski HQ to the Salvos op shop. It is a nice walk – about twenty minutes through Gungahlin town centre. There are often people out with their dogs – and one person who walks their smoochy Bengal cat on occasion! Today, as soon as I left Yennski HQ I noticed some very loud people. I was concerned for my safety before realising that they were football fans and evidently there was a game today and they felt the need to celebrate! They all wore the same tops and beanies and were definitely together through their shared love of the Canberra Raiders rugby league team. This baffles me. I have never felt an allegiance to a football club or any other sports team. And I do not feel anything in terms of my nationality. If Australia are playing cricket against, for example, India (or anywhere else) I have no wish for them to win and I feel nothing if they lose. I am not in the team, and I do not share any friends, family members or colleagues who are in the Australian team – or the Indian team for that matter! As such it confuses me as to why anyone would care unless they were participating themselves or were close to someone who was.

I am not sure if this is an autism thing or an ADHD one or if it is related to any of my other identities or if it just one fo those quirks of being Yennski! The interesting thing is that I DO have a kind of allegiance to some of the intersectional groups I belong to but not in the football team or national pride sense. I am proud to be AuDHD, I am proud to be Asexual, and I am proud to be non-binary, but their allegiances seem to be different to the groups most people seem to have allegiances for and probably for different reasons.

For example, if the non-binary football team (hypothetically) were playing against the cis gender team I actually wouldn’t care about the outcome either so maybe it is just that I don’t really care about sports! I suspect it is different to that though. My allegiance to my neurotype and my gender and sexuality come from a place of support, empathy and kindness in the face of a shared experiences of bigotry and hate and living in a world which doesn’t always support or respect us. Football teams do not generally face bigotry and discrimination due to which team they play for!

So, my allegiance for my gender identity, sexuality and neurotype are probably more about supporting my peers and addressing hatred. I am not proud to be an Australian – it is largely meaningless to me. Australia is a great country in some ways and a horrible one in others. I don’t think Australia in essence is all that different to a lot of other countries so why would I need to feel proud to be Australian? However, I am proud to be Ace and trans and AuDHD. Maybe the difference is that I feel part of those groups that I belong to and what happens to my peers also impacts me. The concept of being Australian is maybe too broad to mean much in terms of allegiance or belonging. Maybe if I was a member of the Australian cricket team I would have allegiance to that and care if we won?

I hope people don’t think I am awful because I don’t care about sports and because my nationality isn’t something I strongly attach to – or attach to at all! I am being honest and raising these ideas in case anyone else has a similar experience – and to explain that experience from my perspective.

How pain replaced anxiety as my constant companion and why I am happy for the first time ever

CW: Bullies, mental health issues

Since I was a child, I had a companion who walked with me every step of my journey in the world. It was definitely not a friend. Its name was anxiety. It related to so many things – worrying, catastrophising, fear, phobias, the list is endless. I had a reason to be anxious when I was a school student as every bully at every school I attended made a beeline for me. The advice I received from the various adults in my life was unhelpful to say the least. I was told any number of foolish strategies – ‘just stay away from them’ (um, it’s a school yard not a country) ‘boys will be boys’ (seriously WTF??) ‘They like you. It is just their way of showing it’ (seriously even more WTF!!). Nobody made the bullies accountable for their actions – all the focus was on me to do something. Consequently, I lost any self-esteem I might have had at some point and was afraid to go to school. The bullying resulted in post-traumatic stress which impacted my anxiety.

As a young adult there were all manner of new anxiety triggers – paid work and the social element of that, predatory men who seemed to be everywhere I went and as a twenty-year-old going to prison (long story – if you are interested, I have an autobiography which will tell you all about it). When I was 21, I discovered anxiety combined with illicit drug use can cause psychosis. Cue the past thirty years of my life taking medication for schizophrenia and having periodic episodes of psychosis – imagine being in a waking nightmare you have no control over). Unless there is a miraculous cure, I will have that for the rest of my life. And every time I get highly anxious for a period of time it triggers off the schizophrenia chemicals in my brain and I suffer. A lot. For a long time. It is not pleasant.

However, in recently month the companion that is my anxiety has apparently taken a break. It is not with me all the time and when it returns it is less of an issue. There are a number of reasons for this including medication, my confidence growing and getting lovely feedback from my managers and clients in my various jobs about the good work I do. Finally, I am enjoying being Yenn. I am happy some of the time. It is amazing. I didn’t realise happiness was ever going be a quality describing me.

Unfortunately, one unpleasant companion has been replaced with a new one – physical pain. I have always been very able to manage physical pain. I had a six-hour continuous tattooing session a while back. The artist was very impressed at my ability to stay still while she drilled away! I told her ‘It’s just pain.’ But in the past year I have had constant physical pain due to arthritis. I use a cane some of the time and I am in pain whenever I walk, when I get out of bed an often when I am sitting or standing. I am not used to this. It makes walking any distance unpleasant and I avoid doing so. I realise that people who do not experience constant pain have very little understanding of what it is like.

One thing about having a visible disability – a new thing for me – is people’s reactions. My cane usually ensures people stand up for me on public transport. And people are often more pleasant to me than they were in the past. Given I have had invisible disabilities my whole life this is a very strange thing. The pain itself is unpleasant and knowing it will probably we with me forever – along with my schizophrenia – doesn’t fill me with joy. I can’t take a lot of the painkillers because of interactions with my other meds – and if I had to choose between physical pain and psychosis, I would pick physical pain every time! So, I have to manage things. One good thing about constant physical l pain is it is very effective in building my empathy with others in similar situations. And another thing is that other people who use a cane and wheelchair users that I meet in my travels often nod or smile in acknowledgment!

I always joke about my health conditions that when they were handing these things out, I got confused and kept going to the back of the line to collect another one! It certainly feels like that. I am not overly enthusiastic about having a mobility condition and the pain that goes with it, but I actually do really enjoy not being constantly anxious and worrying that my worrying might trigger psychosis and result in me being out of action for a year or more! I suspect the pain is something I will need to manage and learn some more strategies to manage it.

An open letter to JK Rowling – promoting and defending transgender rights

Dear Joanne,

My name is Yenn. I am an autistic and non-binary activist, author, consultant and presenter. I am out loud and proud in all my identities and particularly my trans / non-binary identity.

As an autistic person I tend to have a passionate interest. One of my interests which lasted many years was Harry Potter. I loved it. I loved the world you created, the magic and the idea that someone who was hated and victimised could end up saving the world. I identified with more than one of the characters in the Harry Potter series. I looked forward eagerly as each subsequent book was released. I felt safe and happy when reading the books and seeing the films. They gave me so much comfort and helped my wellbeing and mental health.

However, I discovered some later that you are a bigot and that you hate transgender people. Hiding behind feminism you preached hatred and prejudice. You absolutely broke my heart. Any transphobic person breaks my heart, but, as the creator of a world that I loved and had as an escape from reality, you were that times 1000. I could not have the books or movies in my house anymore because I couldn’t separate them from the hatred against people like me that you put forward. I also didn’t want to contribute any more funds to your bank balance – I imagine me not buying your products probably has little or no effect on your pay, but it was the principle of the thing.

After removing your content from my world, I put you out of my mind, like an ex-friend who causes stress and trauma when you think of them but who is gone from your life.

However, today I saw a social media post saying you will use your significant funds to attack transgender rights. I am not a particularly angry person, but that post made me angry. Transgender people face all manner of hate and discrimination already. We form one of the most hated groups in the world. There is a saying that if you aren’t part of the solution then you are part of the problem. In your case even this does not apply. Not only are you not part of the solution, but you are also actively and very publicly being part of the problem!

I want to tell you a bit about me – a person who presumably you hate simply because I am trans. I was 44 when I came out as non-binary. I am almost 51 now and am very proud of who I am. Coming out was a liberation but it also resulted in some bigotry which made me disappointed, angry and profoundly sad. I do not have an agenda. I do not want ‘convert’ anyone.My gender is not a fad, a fashion, a woke agenda or political correctness. It is not against Christian teachings; it is not a phase (and what does that mean anyway? A job is a ‘phase’ – you won’t have the same one your whole life so why don’t we say jobs ate a ‘phase’ – or relationships for that matter!). My gender does not impact on anyone other than me – and is not really your business. My gender is one important part of who I am. It is not a choice or preference – it is who I am. There are as many genders as there are people and that is actually a really lovely thing.

There is no reason to hate me or my many millions of trans siblings in the world. I don’t really know why you are so filled with hate.

I am always devastated when people in positions of influence come out with transphobia and other bigotry. People look up to you and you have a responsibility to be a positive force for change – not a hater and a bigot. I have a much, much smaller reach than you and I know this. I ensure that everything I publish and say in the public domain is supportive, inclusive and respectful and comes from a place of kindness. Your profile is infinitely bigger than mine. Imagine what good you could do with that huge reach but here you are attacking people like me for whatever reason you might have.

At the moment we are in a time where inclusion and rights for transgender people are in the balance. It could go one way or the other – towards inclusion or towards exclusion. I know which camp I stand in. I want to leave a legacy when I leave this beautiful world that we all share. I wonder what your legacy will be. I hope my legacy will include words like respectful, decent, kind, inclusive, and understanding. What words will your legacy include? If you don’t want ‘bigot’ and ‘hater’ to be on your list, then I suggest you change your approach – and when you do, please apologise to all the transgender folks that you have attacked. All your money could be so much better used for good purposes and not to attack people like me.

And if you don’t want to change, then please just go away. The world has enough hatred in it without influential people propagating it.

And this is a link to my TEDx talk on Autigender identity and inclusion – watch it – you will (hopefully) learn something. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSC1P49jOec

Yours

Yenn

Where did my anxiety go?

Anxiety was my constant companion for my childhood, teens and most of my adult life. I worried about pretty much everything. Some of things warranted anxiety – being evicted from my house in 1995, being imprisoned, experiencing violence and sexual abuse, not having any money. However, a lot of the anxiety I have experienced was related to things that most people wouldn’t be all that concerned by.

In 2008 I purchased a property – which anyone would agree is stressful! However, the stress did not go away. A year or so after I bought my flat there were some significant plumbing issues. The apartment was quite old and it was built as public housing – meaning it was not built well. Plumbing became an ongoing issue the whole time I lived there.

I have schizophrenia. Yup, apparently whoever was handing out health conditions thought I needed a whole load of them! Schizophrenia for me basically involves psychosis and the worst thing to trigger this is a high level of anxiety. High anxiety has resulted in major psychotic episodes on five occasions in my life since 1995. So, for most people calling the plumber would not be all that challenging but it filled me with terror and stress. After I had to replace my shower in 2010 my mental health just got worse and worse resulting in my spending over two years in and out of hospitals and mental health residential services, which was not pleasant. In fact maintenance around my apartment would result in psychosis twice!! In 2019 I get really unwell after being highly anxious around three things – work stress and bullying with two separate people, complications of a kitchen renovation and being put on ADHD meds by a psychist who should have known better than to put a person with schizophrenia on amphetamines.

Because every time I had gone to hospital in over 20 years I was psychotic and depressed, no psychiatrists picked up on my high levels of anxiety and their relationship to my illness. This only happened in 2021 when high anxiety around my internet not working and my being unable to fix it resulted in a suicide attempt. The doctor I saw in hospital asked the trigger and said he never heard of anxiety that strong that it would result in me preferring death over having faulty internet! This doctor said, ‘I will address your anxiety.’ Of course i didn’t believe him for a moment but actually he did effectively address the problem! This doctor prescribed a medication which immediately had the effect of reducing my anxiety.

In 2023-24 I was bullied by my managers in my professional role. At the time I had a lovely psychiatrist called Julie who was very supportive – she even offered to testify in court if I sued the managers for bullying (which I didn’t although I certainly looked into the possibility!). Being bullied and later as a part of this, performance managed, took a huge toll on my mental health, including my stress levels and confidence. Bullying often involves gaslighting and it did in this situation making me think the problem was me not the managers! I ended up quitting the job – yay to that! The level of constant stress I was under for over a year related to my job would have put me right into psychosis in the past but thankfully this time it didn’t. The medication and my own attitudes and strengths meant I avoided that.

In the past thirteen months my anxiety has reduced significantly. In fact I would now say it is no longer my constant companion. It pops in for a metaphorical cup of tea on occasion but mostly it leaves me alone.

I will finish with a strategy one of my mental health workers gave me and which I adapted to suit my needs… The worker said imagine the thoughts causing anxiety as someone knocking on your door. You can’t help them being there but the decision as to whether to let them in is up to you. I thought this was a nifty strategy. But being me, I added to it. I thought it wasn’t just anyone knocking at my door, it was Donald Trump! There is no way in a million years that I would let that pitiful excuse for a human being, bigot and latter-day dictator into my house! Now when I start to get anxious I just think ‘ooh, Trump’s at the door!!’ It really helps  …And in answer to the question, I don’t know where my anxiety went but I am very happy that it has largely departed.

and if you know about spoon theory, Yennski has gold spoons!!

Patience, uncertainty and peace – one year on

I wrote the post below around a year ago and came across it in my travels. I thought it might be nice to reflect on it and what has actually happened in the past twelve months in relation to my career…

I am delighted to report that the second scenario in my previous post appears to have happened – I now have (more than) enough work, have even better savings and am happier than I was in my 17 years in the public service. I hardly ever worry about my future now. I know I could get another job without too much trouble and I am very capable. It took a long time to get to that point, but I am very glad to be there now.

So I guess I did learn patience to some degree. I am in a better place mental health wise than I have been in my entire life and one of the main contributors to that is my being self-employed. When I left the public service in 2024 I was so anxious about not being able to support myself but here I am now not only supporting myself but having a larger income than I did as an APS level 6 officer in the public service and I am happy. Go me!

I would never have expected the outcome I got. My anxiety levels are so much lower than they have been in the past. I love my life at the moment and my career is a key part of this. I spent 49 years being highly anxous all the time about pretty much everyhting. These days I still have problematic anxiety but to a much lesser degree.

Uncertainty, patience and anxiety. (May 2024)

I am not a patient person. Anyone who knows me knows that. I want things done NOW!! Waiting for emails from prospective employers can fill me with immense anxiety and I struggle and have to distract myself by doing something other than thinking about whatever I think needs to happen. It’s funny because while that is the case for some things, for others it is a case that I could happily wait until the end of time. Odd this being human bizzo! (and I am delighted that Word accepts the term ‘bizzo’ and doesn’t think it is a typo!)

I suspect patience is a thing I could learn. Maybe I am learning it? Who knows.

Patience ties in with thoughts of anxiety around uncertainty. As an autistic person – and an ADHD person for that matter – uncertainty is not my friend. It usually goes from being aware that something is uncertain to worrying about the uncertainty to catastrophising about the absolute worst thing that can happen. This process can take a matter of seconds.

People often say I am good at having contingencies and working out my plan for the future. The next paragraph is an example of what others think is me planning well but which I actually know is me catastrophising…

I am a small business now and I have a mortgage
I currently only have one day a week of regular work and the contract for that expires in May 2025
I have enough money coming in from my business at this point but there is a possibility I will not get enough work and need to use my savings to pay the mortgage
My savings will run out, nobody will want my services as a business and nobody will want to employ me
I will run out of money
I will have to sell Yennski HQ
I will have to move in with my parents or a shared house and I will need to give up my kitty
I will be miserable, unable to work, unwell with schizophrenia on an ongoing basis and die unhappy

This process goes through my head a lot more times than it should.

However, a person can look at uncertain situations and think about the potential for either a negative or a positive outcome. So instead of the scenario above I could say:

I have a small business and a mortgage
I am currently earning enough money to support myself
If I need more regular work I am highly employable and some organisation is bound to want my expertise in their company
I should be able to stay at Yennski HQ for as long as I choose and keep my kitty
I will die at a good old age, fulfilled and happy, surrounded by family and friends – and cats – and will leave a wonderful legacy.

I do wonder why my brain so often goes to the first scenario. I think I might be hard wired to worry and catastrophise and see the negatives. I don’t want to and suspect it might be possible to alter that initial response to uncertainty.

For me at the moment it is all about managing uncertainty, altering my focus and approach to things and practicing patience wherever I can. I suspect these are ongoing skills that will hopefully improve over time. I think I need to take a leaf out of Sunflower the kitty’s book – she is very good at waiting for things and is rarely anxious. And despite being a cat I doubt that she ever ‘cat’astrophises!

I do hope I learn how to manage uncertainty better, limit catastrophising and build my ability to wait for things patiently. I guess it is nice to get to work on self-improvement!

Worlds of work: Wonderful and horrible

Content warning: mental health, bullying

In 2013 I wrote a book called The Wonderful World of Work. It was aimed at autistic teens and includes a bunch of practical advice around employment. The day it was released someone posted in response that the world of work for autistic people was anything but wonderful! After my initial stress at the very first review of my book being negative, I reflected that it is 100 per cent true that work can be not wonderful at all for autistic people.

I was unable to work at all between 1995 and 2003 due to mental health issues and anxiety around working. It took me a long time to build my confidence to the point hat I was able to work. In 2007 I scored a professional role in Canberra and this was life-changing. I had been a criminal and on the disability pension for many years but I secured ongoing employment. It was amazing and I felt my world of work was absolutely wonderful.

Just over a year ago I left my job of 17 years to go out on my own. My colleagues all congratulated me and said how amazing it would be to work in my own consultancy business. They also said I was ‘brave’ – this caused me a lot of stress! I actually didn’t choose to leave per se – I resigned after prolonged bullying and gaslighting at work. If I hadn’t left my job, I suspect my mental health would have really suffered. I actually feared for my safety. Everything about work caused stress. Going it alone was utterly terrifying. The only regular non-work income sources I had at that point were my books and talks. I contacted every employer I knew and asked for work. I applied for a number of ongoing part-time roles as well. Somehow, I had enough income to support myself even before I landed my current main sources of income – Access manager and project manager at Rebus Theatre and Deputy CEO – External Relations – at the Disability leadership Institute and academic researcher with the Olga Tenison Autism Research Centre.

In my process of looking for regular work I discovered I was very employable. I know, hey, amazing! My 17-year career in administration and my many books and presentations, membership of boards and committees, awards and management experience make me extremely employable. When I left my former job I lacked confidence and thought I would struggle to find work. I had to get some clearances in order to work (Police check, Working with children check, that kind of thing). This always fills me with high anxiety given my somewhat dubious past! Thankfully I have always been able to get these things as I am considered a very low risk due to the length of time that has elapsed since the legal issues and the fact that I am now an absurd overachiever and public figure and so forth! However, this process always stresses me out and particularly when the checks are a prerequisite for so many jobs.

In January 2025 I applied for six jobs. I was interviewed for four of these and found suitable for three including my current role as a Deputy CEO at the Disability Leadership Institute. Now I think that if one of my jobs finishes that looking for a replacement role will be more of an inconvenience than a source of high anxiety given how highly employable I now know I am!

I now have 11 regular clients / employers. I am one very busy Yennski but a happy and wealthy Yennski! I actually made more from my hybrid business employment arrangement than I did in my former full-time role!

The bullying really took its toll. My confidence around my employability went through the floor and my impostor syndrome had a field day! And this doesn’t even start on my rejection sensitive dysphoria. When bullies use your performance as the driver for their poor behaviour and you have rejection sensitivity, are a workaholic and perfectionist it is just cruel and mean.

Looking back, I think I probably owe the bullies a debt of gratitude. If they hadn’t attacked me, I would be in a job which is not a passion, and I would have missed out on all the cool things I have done in the past year. I often wonder if I will see the bullies down the street. If I do, I will have to say ‘hi there. How’s the bullying going? Oh, and I am doing loads of cool things at work now and also, more importantly, I am actually happy!’

These days the only work stress I have is an occasional flare up of my rejection sensitivity and worrying I have done something wrong even if I haven’t as well as uncertainty around income sources going forward. That is, it – two minor and manageable issues. Much better than being highly anxious every time I saw an email from my managers, having frequent very stressful meetings and being told I was getting everything wrong and consequently wanting to die. Yup, I’ll pick the work situation I have now thank you! My current world of work is amazing and indeed quite wonderful.

Denial and acceptance

Content warning: mental health and brief reference to sexual abuse

These days I am fairly well-known as an autistic person. I have no issues with this. In fact, I am very happy with that particular part of my identity but that was not always the case. I was diagnosed as autistic when I was twenty. I was a prisoner – long story and there is a book about it if you want to find out more about that! Anyway, I was doing a pretty good job of masking. I was actually so good at masking I believed myself to be the person I was presenting to the world – in this case a scary criminal! My parents heard about this Asperger syndrome thing and thought it sounded like me. They sent a psychologist to visit me in prison to conduct an autism assessment – the awesome Vikki Bitsika. Although I didn’t think she as awesome at the time!! Vikki gave me a diagnosis and said I fulfilled ALL the diagnostic criteria for what was then called Asperger Syndrome. That was a pretty categorical diagnosis but I saw the autism thing as being my parents making excuses for my poor behaviour. I also thought it was a diagnosis of nerd and I wasn’t a nerd – I was a scary criminal!! Deep down I know I was autistic, but it was so raw, so personal that I couldn’t accept it,

Most of my young adult life was spent masking and in an attempt to be socially accepted. I hated who I was. I experienced a lot of trauma as a child and teenager including bullying and sexual abuse. This left me feeling very negative about myself. The last thing I wanted was autism! To my mind being autistic was all the things I was trying to avoid in life I struggled to even watch content about autistic people. And you know what? I actually still do, especially when it comes to media and popular culture! I don’t generally look at programs like The Assembly – over thirty years after my diagnosis. This can have an impact on my being an advocate at times, although I am OK with books and conference content and research papers and so forth.

I spent seven years in denial about my autism diagnosis. The point at which I accepted it was at a time when I had finally worked out that I was OK as I was and that I didn’t need acceptance form others to validate myself. I realised that I was worthy and of value just as I was and that there were finally people in my life who liked me for who I was. I no longer needed to belong to a group to be accepted (criminal, socialists, drug addicts and all the other groups I had attached myself to garner acceptance as a teen and young adult). At the point that I knew I was valid as I was, I was prepared to entertain the concept that I was autistic.

Despite accepting my diagnosis, I still struggled with it. I didn’t tell many people, and I was happier telling people I had been in jail than that I was autistic! A couple of years later I met advocate and author Polly Samuel and did something life-changing – I wrote my life story, and it was published. It’s called Fining a Different Kind of Normal and it changed my life.

After my first book was published, I became an autism advocate, I didn’t really mean to -it just happened! That was 20 years ago, and I am known around the world as a neurodiversity advocate. Definitely not in denial anymore and not wanting to be accepted due to my membership of a group!

There is another denial story in my life, one that has lasted a very long time. That is my schizophrenia diagnosis. I received this in 1995 – one year after my autism diagnosis. I have never properly accepted this. If I am being logical, I clearly have schizophrenia, but I am not always logical! I have taken anti-psychotic medication for 30 years. I have been on clozapine for five years, and there is only one reason people are prescribed clozapine and that is for treatment resistant schizophrenia. I have had many psychotic episodes in the past 30 years and spent a lot of time in psychiatric hospitals. I calculated this a while back and worked out that I have spent around 3 years in hospital, 3 in residential mental health care and 4 in prison! This means I have spent 20 per cent of my life in institutions. You don’t have all those things without their being a reason for them!

Because I have an atypical presentation of schizophrenia it gets me wondering if it is a misdiagnosis. I always doubt it and then have to tell myself that doctors don’t prescribe potentially life-threatening medication without good reason! The other thing I realise was that before I took clozapine I was terrified of ghosts. I couldn’t sleep in a room with a mirror because spirits would be in the mirror. I would stay under the covers even in summer because of fear about ghosts, and I never left the wardrobe door open! Since I have been on clozapine this has not been my experience. I now recognise that those beliefs I held around ghosts are called delusions and are common for people with schizophrenia.

So, I am autistic, and I have schizophrenia and that is OK. Denial often relates to ableism – particularly internalised ableism – and fear of being socially excluded or judged. It is good to embrace your difference and uniqueness and it is good to understand yourself as you are.

Yenn self-portrait created in hospital in 2019

Like a boss! Being an autistic manager

I give talks on autism and employment a lot. I have probably given around 100 talks on autism and employment and almost always the expectation from those who book me to speak on this topic is that autistic people in the workplace are employees, not managers.

I have recently become an executive. An autistic executive?? Is this even possible you might ask? Actually, it is, and I think I am a pretty good manager and executive. I am also a project manager in another role and guess what? I manage staff! And guess what else? The project is going really well and my relationship with my staff is very positive. I know there are a lot of other autistic managers out there, but the assumptions always seem to be that if we have jobs that we are in junior roles, and also that we don’t want, need or deserve career advancement.

When I joined the Australian Public Service in 2007, I was very ambitious. I wore a suit and everything! At the end of my graduate year, I secured a promotion. I was delighted. I wanted to get as high up in the public service chain of command as I could. At the time I was sharing a house with someone who was a bit of a bully! When I got my first promotion, she told me that autistic people couldn’t be managers. If someone said that to me now, I would tear them a figurative new one but at the time I was lacking in self-confidence and so instead of responding with assertiveness and autistic pride I actually took her disrespectful and ableist comment about my management capability based on my neurotype on board. This meant that for the next 16 years that I was a public servant I was convinced I couldn’t manage staff.

In 2024 I left the public service. This was one of the most significant changes in my life. I went from being extremely unhappy at work, and full of self-doubt, to where I am now. When I left my previous role, I was filled with anxiety and low self-confidence. I assumed that I was incompetent and a poor performer. However, I fairly soon realised that I was not those things and that my lack in confidence was due to issues with others at my former workplace and not anything to do with me at all.

In less than a year I have gathered myself 10 regular sources of income, have become a project manager and an executive and I am now so sought after that I had to turn down work opportunities because there were not enough days in the week to accommodate all the work that people wanted to give me!

Over the years I have come across autistic managers and executives and it is a lovely thing to see. I really wish it was more common. I had one manager in the public service who I absolutely loved. I showed her a copy of my autobiography and she said that she saw a lot of herself in it and I could see why she would as she definitely seemed to be autistic ‘family’. When she left my team, I gave her a parting gift which was a briefing on departmental letterhead which looked a bit like this…

Title:

Susan is leaving

Issues:

I will miss her
Work won’t be the same without her

Background:

Susan is an amazing manager….”

And I then went on to list all her awesome qualities. We both thought it was wonderful. This manager and I ‘got’ one another.

The assumption that autistic people can’t manage staff is a really unhelpful one. I think it is rooted in that infantilisation thing where we are seen as children or as adults that cannot do much and certainly can’t be independent or accomplished at things like work of heaven forbid, manage a team! I think the way work is set up a lot of the time makes it difficult for autistic people to thrive and those keen on attaining a management role can face additional barriers to those who want an entry level position or are not interested in career advancement.

I actually really enjoy being a manager and an executive – and not just because it sounds impressive. Having autonomy over my work and having that level of responsibility is wonderful thing. And the fact that I am challenging assumptions and ableism and getting paid for it is also pretty cool!

I think there needs to be more content on and for autistic and neurodivergent managers…. Oh dear, I see another Yennski book on the horizon!! And a couple of amusing observations on books and jobs…. Firstly Yenn, please let someone else have a go with the books – 18 is a big number! And secondly, Yenn you are probably causing most of the unemployment in Canberra by taking all the jobs!! Seriously though, this is an area in need of attention and a need for changes in thinking, perceptions and assumptions around autistic and neurodivergent people at work.

And I will finish with an assertion that there is no ‘better’ kind of employment setting. Being a manager is not necessarily somehow essentially preferable to being an entry level employee or being unemployed. These considerations are dependent on each individual, their needs and wants and circumstances. Judgement on the basis of employment type or level – or unemployment – is not OK and is not helpful. Autistic people face discrimination and ableism at work and have a significantly higher level of unemployment than most others – meaning autistic people are more likely to face unemployment as a structural barrier in society – so blaming or judging them for this is very much not OK! In fact most times judgement for any reason isn’t particularly helpful!