I recently became human parent to a little tortoiseshell kitty who I have called Sunflower. She is absolutely beautiful and the latest in a long line of feline friends that I have been privileged to share my home and life with.

I always say that I am better with a cat and I am. I have loved cats from the moment I discovered their existence. They are very good for my mental health. In fact I can credit a previous Yennski cat, the prince among felines that was Mr Kitty, with keeping me out of the psych ward for many years. I remember shortly after I adopted him that a mental health worker said there was a spot in a respite service that I had used in the past. I replied that I didn’t need it because I was in respite every single day without leaving the house due to my new kitty.

I used to call Mr Kitty my little black kitty therapist. They are actually ALL therapists. Sunflower makes me so happy. Before I adopted her I had stress-related exam on my hands. It was so bad that it was cracked and bleeding but within a week of having Sunflower it had vanished. When I am at work I get to the end of the day and look forward to coming home to a smoochy kitty person. 

I really do go much better if I have a cat. I know cats on a deep level. I can’t do human body language but feline body language is easy! Patting a purring cat is as better for my mental health than almost anything else. The pet rescue service that I adopted Sunflower from was extremely strict. I had to satisfy a lot of criteria – which of course I am all for! I wouldn’t want an abuser adopting kitties. In response to my application they said any cat would be very happy to have me as a human. I really do love cats and I connect with them more than I do with most humans. I have said in the past that if when I die I go to wherever the cats go I will be very happy! I used to say that I could pat Mr Kitty for a happy eternity and the same is true for Sunflower. 

I am actually not alone among autistic people here. A large number of autistic people connect on a significant level with animals – be that cats or dogs or with nature. My mum is autistic. She doesn’t bond with cats or dogs but is very much a fan of nature and all its beauty. She knows the Latin names of thousands of plants and is something of an expert on fungi. I do know a lot of autistic people who have a similar bond to cats as I do or some with dogs or birds or snakes. Our animal friends and companions ‘get’ us. More the neurotypical people do. I never have to worry about Sunflower bullying, abusing, ghosting or ostracising me. I understand her and I think she understands me in her sweet little furry way. There is no confusing complexity in our relationship. She is easy for me to connect with. She will never gaslight me or manipulate me. I am not sure why other autistic people are so often close to animals and nature but we definitely seem to be. Maybe it is for similar reasons to me, maybe not. 

Just a caveat on this… I am more than a little biased about how awesome my mum is…

Lots of autistic people have autistic parents. It is currently a common thing for people to realise they are autistic when they are doing an assessment for their child. I myself am an autistic child of an autistic parent. My mum was diagnosed some years ago so now are now a little club of two Purkis autists. While I now love the fact that my mum and me are both neurodivergent and share a lot of things, this wasn’t always the case.

As a child I was viewed as strange. I suffered a lot of bullying and hated my ‘difference’. I wanted to be like the other kids but try as I did it never happened. My mum was always there for me as a child but I know she struggled with me at times too. As a young child I was very energetic and viewed as quite ‘naughty’. My mum tells me that when I was small if there was silence it meant I was doing something dire! People would judge my mum’s parenting, thinking my ‘poor’ behaviour must be my mum’s fault. 

I am 48, which, aside from meaning I am quite middle aged, also means I was undiagnosed as a child. The appropriate diagnosis did not exist until I was an adult. I am also ADHD which probably added to my quirkiness and challenging exploits as a child. 

As a young adult I found myself in trouble with the law. I spent over three years in prison. The remarkable thing about this was that my parents never stopped supporting me. I was the most desperate, self-destructive person with a horrible life and a negative approach to things but they were still there the whole time. 

I got my autism diagnosis in 1994 at the age of 20. I was one of the first adults diagnosed in Australia. My parents were delighted as my diagnosis explained a lot. My troubles were not so much due to poor parenting but due to being neurodivergent ain a world that doesn’t understand neurodivergent experience. It took me a lot longer to accept my autism but when I did I started looking at people in my life who may also be autistic and my mum was front and centre!

My relationship with my parents had always been challenging. In my twenties I blamed my mum for all my problems, even writing a long document about all her apparent shortcomings (I still have this somewhere!). As I grew in my autistic identity I learned that I was not alone in thinking my mum was autistic – she thought so too. A few years ago at Christmas I was visiting my parents. My mum gave me a little card she had made. She said it was an early Christmas gift. The card said my mum was going to seek an autism assessment. I was delighted.

My mum did get her diagnosis. She is an autistic advocate in her own way – a much gentler and less flashy kind of advocacy to me but just as valid. 

I love having an autistic mum, It means that she understood me as a child when few others did. A family friend once reflected that he had seen my mum explaining things to me that I didn’t understand. She is kind and respectful and doesn’t judge anyone. My mum is a big environmentalist  and cares about all the creatures and plants in nature, even spiders! She is honest to a fault and will listen to anyone. My mum has passions and things she loves. She inherited an interest in fungi that I had as a small child and is now quite an expert in it. 

My mum has always been there for me, through thick and thin, and I know she will always be there for for me until she passes. I love having an autistic mum. I talk to her on the phone most days and she texts me every morning. I know my mum will probably struggle a bit with this piece as she is very humble but I think she is wonderful and her autism just makes her that and then some. 

Of course not everyone has the same experience as me. I have met autistic people who really struggle with their autistic parents. It definitely isn’t one size fits all but I think autistic parents can be amazing.  I am happy for my mum to have her diagnosis and I am happy for me to have my mum. 

As you may know I belong to a bunch of intersectional groups. I am neurodivergent, I have schizophrenia, anxiety and depression, I am transgender, often perceived as female, I am Asexual and have an extensive criminal history – albeit from quarter of a century ago. I was poor and reliant on the disability pension to pay my bills from 1995-2007. I lived in all manner of dodgy accommodation because I couldn’t afford anything better. 

However I now have some privilege. The ‘big’ privileges to my reckoning are white privilege and cisgender, straight male privilege. I have white privilege which is something I constantly need to be aware of and check where necessary. The other form of privilege I now have is middle class privilege. 

I posted some photos of my new IKEA bookcases in my study yesterday and it struck me that lots of people on my socials would not be able to afford such things – or a mortgage which I also have. I felt bad about posting pictures of things people might find exclusionary but I was torn between my joy at finally having an apartment that I love and my wish to not have people feel excluded. 

Class is a funny concept. I spent between 1990 and 1995 as a card carrying socialist. Socialists are definitely into the concept of class. It pervades their every act. As a teenage socialist I wanted to be poor and to be one of the ‘workers’. I succeeded admirably at being poor! I actually found – surprise surprise – that being poor was quite unpleasant. And once I got there is was a lot harder to escape poverty than it was to become poor!

The thing that got me the most was accommodation, I had no choice in where I lived for many years, moving form crisis accommodation to public housing. When I was in public housing I was desperate to get a ‘real’ job so I could escape my hosing situation. Almost all my neighbours in a big estate were alcoholics or drug users. I was desperate to fit in so became essentially an alcoholic myself. I was going to university at the time and felt caught between two worlds. I also had a neighbour who was a stalker. She made my life an absolute misery. I knew I needed to move into private rental or own a property to escape all this misery and that to do so I would need a ‘real’ (professional) job. 

I did make a pretty impressive leap from public housing and the difficulties that came with it and being middle class. I secured a public service graduate role in 2007 and moved to Canberra. My life changed almost instantly. I moved into a share house with a fellow public servant and life got much more manageable. I didn’t need to get ridiculously drunk every night just to be accepted my my neighbours. And I could buy groceries! When I was poor I could rarely buy anything from the supermarket for over $4. I was looked after by one of my public housing neighbours who treated me like her child. If it hadn’t been for the friend  I would not have been able to afford going to university. This neighbour loved to cook and gave me dinner most nights. 

I am a very determined person which enabled me to take a trajectory from poverty to wealth. I also have white privilege which would have made a difference I think and my ability to mask means I could fit in with whatever group I was in – even if it came at the cost of my identity. I know that what I did to change my circumstances is unlikely and unusual but I also know it is possible, because I did it. Really I am not all that amazing. My escape form poverty involved a number of decisions an opportunities but I am quite proud that I did it. And I can say despite the costs for maintenance and stress involved if the plumbing goes bung, Yennski Central, the apartment I own – is 1000 times nicer than where I was before. 

There is a danger for autistic folks who are middle class or who – like me – overcome class discrimination. This danger is where people judge other autistics for being unemployed or poor. This is not OK. There are huge structural barriers around class, employment and income and to overcome these sadly seems to be the exception and not the norm. When a famous autistic commentator said ‘autistic people who who are unemployed should get off their butts and get a job’ this was a highly unhelpful statement. Most autistic unemployed people I have met would be delighted to have a job but for any of a number ion reasons can’t get one. I know that not one day goes by that I am not grateful for my job and my home and wish success to anyone else trying to escape poverty and all that comes with it. 

Autistic people tend to be prone to burnout. I know I am! Burnout happens when you take on too many things or when life is overwhelming for a prolonged period. It can creep up on you. I am a shocker for burnout simply because of the size and complexity of my various workloads. In the course of a month I will:

• Go to work in a responsible job for 4 1/2 days per week
• Write  at least four blog posts
• Create a Yeme or two
• Give more than one talk or prepare talks or practice talks – or all three!
• Respond to queries from people all over the world
• Write an article for someone
• Maybe do some media
• Attend a committee meeting or two
• Review or endorse a book 
• …and maybe a few more things! It can be quite a lot to manage.

I have experienced burnout although probably less often that you might imagine with my workload! The reason I avoid burnout is that I love almost everything I do which means it is not a chore or a burden but a passion. On the occasions I have become burned out it has always related to people rather than work tasks. On one occasion I had a person who was very angry at the world using me to vent with. This person would message me dozens of times a day. Every time I heard a message alert then my anxiety would go sky high. It was awful and it took me months to ask this person to leave me alone. I am more assertive now so I would say something sooner if the same thing happened now but at the time I just felt trapped and stressed.

My problem with burnout is that I don’t see it coming. Because I love all my work I am reluctant to decline anything. I also have a chronic case of fear of missing out which doesn’t help! I have an analogy about burnout that I came up with recently. If you imagine you have a car with tyres that are getting a bit worn. You keep thinking about it but put off doing anything because you don’t think it is really a problem. This goes on for a while until you tyre blows out and you are left by the side of the road with a car that will need some attention before it works again. That definitely describes my experience. I put off doing anything, I say yes to everything and then remind myself that I might get burned out but then dismiss it again by which time I am burned out!

It is far preferable to avoid burnout before you get burned out! One thing I have which is also the image for this piece, is a ‘NO!!’ Buzzer. It sits on my desk and says ‘NO!!’ In a variety of amusing ways. My coauthor and lovely friend Dr Emma Goodall gave it to me ages ago. It was only partially a joke and I actually find it very helpful. My mum always worries about my workload and tells me to stop taking on so many things. Of course she is right but it can be hard. Perspective can be helpful. If I imagine I have a talk booked and I get in a car accident and can’t do the talk, do you think the world would end? Of course not. Perspective can help you decline or postpone things that overload you. I have also found that the state of my mental health impacts on whether I get burned out or not. The same things may occur but one time I will get burned out and the other not and the difference I can see is the state of my mental health. 

If you actually do get burned out it is essential to address it before it becomes entrenched. I have learned it is key to take time out. The message is still NO but also ‘Stop’. It can take a long time to get over burnout. You can learn from the experience – what it feels like, what your triggers were etc – so that you can hopefully avoid it again. I find my life is a constant battle to avoid burnout. And feel like I am probably not the best person to give advice on this given how I don’t always heed my own advice! 

As an advocate I feel compelled to write about April. I would rather not truth be known but I think it is important as there are still a lot of unhelpful attitudes around autism ‘awareness’. However, I don’t want to write some negative piece despairing about all that is wrong in the world. Instead I want to talk about the past almost 20 years of my advocacy career and how things have changed and continue to change.

I wrote my first book, my autobiography, with the support of the amazing Polly Samuel in 2005. I was all of a sudden thrust into the world of autism advocacy – whether I wanted to be or not! People these days call me a trailblazer and that I am the giant in the expression ‘standing on the shoulders of giants’ but when I first started my advocacy journey I was terrified! It was a different time. Of the advocates still working now in Australia, around five of them were around when I started out. Neurodiversity was a very new concept at the time and talking about anything positive around autism was met with incredulity is dismissiveness from allistic folks. Social media barely existed and most of the discussion around autism came from neurotypical parents of autistic kids, many of whom were not very autism positive to say the least! 

As time went on things changed, Firstly they changed for me! For the first few years after my autobiography came out I was not a very passionate advocate. I did talks if asked but I was too busy enjoying my new professional job and being passionate about that to think much about the autistic community. In 2012 everything changed. I met a young autistic man who had been severely disabled by the people in his life not giving him the chance to do anything. He had been shielded from any issues or challenges and when I told him I was an autistic public servant who had written a book he called me a liar and said it was impossible. Enter Yennski’s passion for advocacy! I was horrified by how this man had been so severely limited by the attitudes of others and their deficits thinking. I realised that if there was one person like this then there would surely be more. So I set about trying to change the world – and I am still on that path now over ten years later!

Over the years I have seen a lot of changes in attitudes around autism. When I started out:

• there was very little view of autism having any positives
• The only representation of autistic people in media etc was negative and based in stereotypes
• Autism was seen as a negative – a curse or an affliction
• Autistic voices were rare or non-existent in the dialogue around autism
• There were hardly any autistic advocates or activists 
• ‘Warrior parents’ drove the narrative
• ABA and other harmful therapies went unchecked  

Of course lots of this still goes on but the difference is that it usually gets challenged. I  remember a few years ago seeing an article online about neurodiversity. I was delighted and amazed as it was the first reference to neurodiversity in the popular media that I had ever seen. When I looked at the names of the autistic people that were quoted there were some I had never come across! I was delighted. 

And now to April… Autism awareness used to be the April thing. Many autistic people really don’t like this. I certainly don’t. The event used to be driven by a very problematic organisation which is stuck in the dark ages and the whole idea of awareness bothers me. I mean bullies are aware of their victim being different. Awareness alone ifs pretty pointless and unhelpful. In the past few years wether have bene some great challenges to the whole April light it up blue thing. At first it was just autistic activists who raised issues but now it is more mainstream and even neurotypical people who have little or no lived experience are willing and even keen to promote a more inclusive approach. There are other days and events which are more inclusive too, such as Neurodiversity Week in March and Neurodivergent / Autistic Pride Day in June. 

I will finish with another anecdote from my life – I do love a good anecdote! A while back a certain TV personality decided to shoot their mouth off and blaming his poor behaviour on his being autistic – despite the fact that he wasn’t autistic – and autism is neither a reason or an excuse for violence. I saw the posts and so many people had criticised this person for their poor behaviour. The criticism was from the mainstream, not just advocates. We still have a very long way to go but as someone who has been around for a very long time I can say with some hope that things are changing and often changing for the better. 

I’m not ‘aware’ for April, I’m reflective and filled with hope for the future. And after almost twenty years of doing this I wonder if I might get to retire sometime? I think the current group of amazing advocates and activists probably demonstrates that as a possibility… but I will still write the books. I love writing books!

I came across the notion of lateral violence some years ago, watching a documentary on a group of First Nations advocates in Canada. So what is it? My view is this: People from oppressed groups (such as Disabled people, LGBTQA+ folks, People of Colour, First Nations people, refugees etc) can fight the power. This to my mind is a good thing. Advocacy and activism to address structural barriers and discrimination in society is a very good idea. However, there is another option to direct outrage and anger. Instead of fighting the power, some people from oppressed groups fight one another instead. This is what is known as lateral violence. It is widespread and – unlike fighting the power which tends to be helpful – is damaging and actually sets back the cause of advocacy and activism. 

I have been on the receiving end of lateral violence quite frequently. It usually seems to take the form of jealousy or status anxiety directed again people viewed as ‘successful’ within a community group. It is hurtful and serves no useful purpose. I have had people attack me many times and the only reason I could find was jealousy and lateral violence. I find it extremely disappointing. We do so much better united than divided and lateral violence only ever divides us.

And despite being unhelpful for the cause of liberty and empowerment, it can also put people at risk. Many of us in the advocacy community have low opinions of who we are and struggle with our sense of belonging so being targeted can make us feel really crappy. Attacking one another does not help anyone and puts an image of a fractured community to the wider world which may already hold negative views of us.

For me when I get confronted with jealousy and lateral violence I get quite puzzled. Some people manifest their lateral violence through targeting ‘famous’ people within the community. In Australia we have that idea of ‘tall poppy syndrome’

where anyone successful is a target. I have come across lots of people who don’t like me without even having met me due to me being apparently too successful. Despite being hurtful and rather rude, it is also silly. My life is anything but easy. I have schizophrenia which makes life really challenging and sometimes life threatening, I have experienced significant trauma and violence over the years and I have spent over 20 per cent of my life in institutions. Nobody in their right mind would be jealous of that!

I think lateral  violence is one of the biggest issues we face as advocates. I think it is the result of oppression itself and that the more we actually fight the power then the more united and empowered we will become.  

Content warning: Reference to violence, bigotry and suicide

Yesterday, 31March, was International Transgender Day of Visibility. I think this is a really important day. It was created to celebrate trans experience and promote pride. The other major Transgender day is Transgender Day of Remembrance which is more focussed on mourning those we have lost due to violence and suicide. Trans day of visibility has a more celebratory focus and I think that is something we need as well.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, there is quite a lot of hatred and transphobia around at the moment. The bigoted minority seems to be growing more vocal and getting traction for their horrible message of hatred. We all need to stand up on the side of good and right and inclusion. This is where events like Trans Day of Visibility are so important. 

I always worry about complacency in this space. There is a view with some people that things will somehow just get progressively more inclusive until bigotry is a thing of the past. I can categorically say that isn’t the case. There is no room for complacency. This doesn’t mean that everyone has to protest or lobby every day. Different people show their support in different ways. For example I am not a big protester these days but I have a reach in the community through my writing and talks. As such I try to use that as a platform to hopefully counter the hatred which is so prevalent.

On a personal note I find the hatred really upsetting. There are people out there who hate me simply because I exist as a trans person. The hatred can make you want to hide away, to go into the closet, metaphorically close the door and not tell anyone about your identity. What a horrible world that is. The hatred actually makes me want to be even more visible so others feel supported and more able to come out themselves. I hate the closet. It is dark and scary and lonely. As trans people we deserve love respect and understanding – just like everyone else does. We have the right to be out loud and proud.

Visibility is such an important thing. If you can’t see it you can’t be it. For trans folks who have recently come to their identity having strong, positive trans role models is a wonderful thing. Having people who refuse to be silenced by the bigots makes it harder for the bigots to spread their nasty message. It can be really hard though, and I would never blame anyone for feeling unable to come out. 

I love my trans identity. I am immensely proud to be who I am. When people attack me I use it as an example of why bigotry is not OK rather than trying to make myself invisible. My world is an inclusive one but I know that for so many trans people – especially kids and young people – that they are isolated and cut off from their peers and communities. I really don’t want that to be the case for anyone. I want a world where we can be proud of who we are and there is no audience for bigots. 

I have written a bit about mental health over the years. I have written two books on the topic and given countless talks. My own mental health has been an issue for most of my life, even though for some of that time I was unaware of what was actually going on. I have a diagnosis of schizophrenia which seems to eclipse everything else when I talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist. I also have anxiety which feeds into my issues with schizophrenia. 

Almost every time I have experienced psychosis it has happened after a period of extreme anxiety. However this was not picked up in dozens of hospital admissions. Every time I was in hospital I was psychotic so that was what got treated. Being psychotic makes it very tricky to articulate what is going on which meant I didn’t get help for my anxiety for many years. I knew for many years that anxiety fed into my schizophrenia and was the catalyst for many psychotic episodes. It wasn’t until 2021 that a hospital psychiatrist worked out that anxiety was a big contributor to my problems. This psychiatrist actually put me on medication for anxiety which made my life a lot easier to manage.

Like many autistic people my anxiety is pretty much constant. It varies in severity and impact but it is always there. It doesn’t seem to matter what the trigger is – I could do anxiety at an Olympic level! In the past I have had pathological anxiety around:

• Spiders in the house
• Fear of vomiting
• Anxiety around work and perfectionism 
• When I was a child I was terrified of saying ‘Oh my God!’ because my family were very religious
• Fear of being assaulted 
• Social phobia
• Plumbing issues
• Being hacked 
• Computer internet not working 
• …And a bunch of other things.

When I look at this list it seems silly but all of the things listed resulted in misery and some resulted tin hospital stays. 

I am far from an expert at managing anxiety but there are a few things that I have found helpful.

1. Medication. I take a low dose of an antidepressant to help with my anxiety. This has been life-changing. You do need to be careful with anxiety meds as some of them are addictive. Having a conversation with your treating doctor can be helpful as they know a lot more about medication than I do!
2. I have one which I simply call ‘Trump is at the door.’ I will explain… I was staying in a residential mental health service in 2020. My key worker described anxiety and worrying thoughts as being like a person knocking at the door. You can’t make the anxiety not be there – like you can’t help there being someone at the door. You can, however, decide whether or not to let them in. I added to this by saying it is Donald Trump at the door! There is no way in the universe that I would let him in! Yep – very effective!
3. It can help to run what is worrying you past a trusted friend / family member / partner. Their perspective can help you see thin things in a less stressful light.
4. Practice meditation – in a way that works for you. Many autistic people absolutely detest mindfulness meditation. I myself am not a big fan! The way I ground myself and relax is to watch nature relaxation videos on Youtube which have film of birds or flowers set to music. I absolutely love this and it performs the same role as mindfulness meditation without actually being mindfulness meditation!
5. Avoid avoiding! Putting off something you need to do because you are anxious about it can be counterproductive. Instead, if you need to do a thing then do that thing. You might need support but it is important not to avoid necessary things because that avoidance tends to compound and result in your life being diminished as result. I was in hospital once with someone whose anxiety around showering meant they had not showered in three months. That is an extreme example but ti can and does happen. 
6. Do things that you know have worked for you in the past.
7. If your anxiety is around doing something new then planning can help. The approach used for kids called social stories is a principle that works with all ages. It essentially means introducing yourself to the new thing gradually and in a safe environment before you actually need to do it.  

The last thing I will say is that in this space the adage ‘do what works’ is a very useful one to remember. Anxiety is inevitable but there are definitely things you can do to address it.

There seems to be a lot of hatred around at the moment. I actually think there has probably always been a lot of hatred around. Humans have the capability to be amazing but also quite horrible,.

As a transgender person I am viewed with hatred by a lot of people. They hate me because I exist. This is so not OK but it is real. I actually have something called passing privilege. This means people assume I am a cis female and so do not discriminate against me for being transgender just by looking at me.

I have had assumptions made based on my appearance in the past. In late 2010 I spent time in hospital for mental health reasons. When I was discharged I went to visit my parents for Christmas and they wanted to make sure I was OK and give me a positive experience. My mum had a colleague who was staying with her parents and they apparently had amazing Christmas decorations. We drove for about an hour to their farm. The Christmas decorations were indeed impressive but sadly the family were impressively racist. They were actually Nazis and it was just awful. I didn’t know what I should do. The worst part was their assumptions that I was on their ‘side’ due to my being white. Ugh! how absolutely horrible but an example of how assumptions based on observing a person through a particular lens can and do occur. 

Hate festers on social media and people who think just awful things have a big platform for their hatred. For me, the kinds of hatred that affect me are transphobia and ableism. These are different kinds of things in my experience. The ableism I have experienced focuses on infantilism, deficits- thinking, micro aggressions and inspiration porn. In comparison transphobia is white hot nastiness and overt hatred. The is no place for hatred to my mind. We all deserve respect and kindness. I was talking to my mum recently and I said to her that I don’t hate anyone and I don’t. I don’t even hate people who have done dreadful things to me and I definitely don’t hate any groups in society. People being awful to me just makes me sad and disappointed.

While I don’t consciously hate anyone – group or individual – I definitely have some unconscious bias. As a white person I know I have some racist thinking going on, even though I really don’t want there to be. It just pops up unexpectedly from time to time in a very unwelcome manner and makes me feel horrible. As a middle class person I have some bias around income but I really wish I didn’t. Privilege of necessity seems to come with bias – conscious or unconscious. As people of privilege all we can do is work to understand our biases and address them before they harm anyone. 

I hope the work I do helps to address hatred. There is no reason to hate someone due to their belonging to one or other group. We need to challenge hate whenever it happens, especially if it is in influential forums.  We cannot be complacent. The world will not somehow magically get better and better. If we let things slide then things could actually get a lot worse. It can be hard to call out hatred – and it is essential to remain safe and protect ourselves if we do. However calling it out, standing up and being counted, metaphorically, is what helps to drive hatred back into the shadows. 

This is an ongoing issue and it is essential to address hatred wherever it arises. You are not alone – there are lots of others who want to stand up for inclusion, respect and kindness. I am not a big protester any more so I use my social media presence to discuss these sort of things rather than take to the streets. I think it is about people doing whatever they can within their capacity and showing the haters that bigotry is not ever OK. .     

As a disability advocate – and a Disabled person – I come up against some pretty unhelpful comments at times. This is a list of basically big no-nos and why they are really not OK.

One which is a total doozy is who someone has a visible disability (such as a wheelchair user) gets told by some well-meaning person that ‘I will pray for you.’ Big ugh to that. It assumes firstly that the person WANTS to be prayed about, regardless of whether they are religious or not and also that people with disability are in need of prayer. Would these people say to a narcissist ‘I will pray that you stop being a asshole’ or for a person who is arrogant ‘I will pray that you stop being a dick’. It is an insult and really not at all helpful.

Another one which I think most Disabled people struggle with is ‘inspiration porn’. This is a term coined by the late great Stella Young and refers to when Disabled people are considered inspiration for doing everyday stuff. I once had someone tell me I was an inspiration because I take the bus!  That is not inspirational, it is just how I get to work! The worst thing with this is how pervasive it is. I have given talks and spoken about inspiration porn only to have attendees come up to me afterwards and tell me how inspirational I am! Ugh!

There are some autism-specific ones as well although these probably relate to other disabilities too. A person at one of my book launches came up to me and in all honesty said ‘You don’t need to say you are autistic. You could pass for normal.’ Major ick to that!  I really, really don’t want to pass for normal, whatever that is. This is not a compliment.

The other one I get all the time is ‘Oh but we are all on the spectrum somewhere.’ No, we are not. If we were there would not be such a thing as autism it would just be called being human. This comment is very invalidating of autistic people’s experience. It is another of those well-meaning things which is not good at all.

Another one is ‘you don’t look autistic’. What the crap does autistic look like!! There is not an autistic look. We just look like people. 

People pulling me up on using identity-first language (‘I am autistic”) is also highly problematic. The way someone identified is correct and many autistic people use identity-first language. It is actually inclusive not wrong.

The ‘best’ I have ever come across was when I was at a conference a few years ago. I got talking with a bunch of neurotypical conference staff. One of them asked ‘Do you live at home with your mummy?’ I was horrified and replied that I lived in an apartment that I own and that I am paying off with the salary from my high level professional job!

None of these things are ever OK but they are sadly very common. I think the best thing to do is challenge people who they say these things. Often they come from ignorance rather than intentional hostility.