I belong to a good number of inclusion / intersectional groups. I am a couple of kinds of Neurodivergent, many kinds of Queer and have a traumatic past which include some pretty horrific experiences of institutional neglect, incarceration and associated powerlessness. Every day of my life I am reminded that I am different, that I face disadvantage, that I am seen by some as being ‘less.’ I experience everything from unintentional unconscious bias to outright hostility and hatred. It is exhausting.
I will share some of the more memorable micro-aggressions I have experienced since coming out as non-binary. I came out in 2018 for the first time on Facebook (as you do!!) A trans friend told me I would discover who my friends were, who they weren’t and that it would surprise me. They were absolutely correct. Some people reacted the way I expected but not everyone did. Social media can be a scary place and it is full of bigots but also people who might be well-meaning but who come out with some doozies in terms of bias and micro-aggression. My favourite was the person who said I couldn’t wear a skirt if I was non-binary because skirts were for girls. I wondered if this meant I shouldn’t wear pants either given that they are gendered male. Who knew?? Another one was the person who insisted that my Facebook page was about autism not gender and I should stop talking about gender on my page. I mean, it is my page. I could post about bunnies if I so desired or Lego or the music of Bjork!
It is not confined to the world of gender diversity. As an autistic person I have been on the receiving end too. Someone once said at the launch of one of my books ‘oh don’t say you are autistic – you could pass for normal.’ Add that to the countless people saying ‘we are all on the spectrum somewhere’ and those telling me off for identifying as ‘Autistic!’ All of these come from ignorance and unchecked privilege but the gender-based ones tend to be the most likely place for outright hatred and the autism ones are due to ableism and ignorance.
I have been trolled by strangers and ’friends’ alike. Someone even managed to say something horrible about my late and very much missed moggie Mr Kitty. What kind of hatred does a person have to ahsave to a attack a dead kitty?
Last weekend I had a workshop which was in a building in Barton. Apart form the organisation running the workshop there was one staff member from the building. At morning tea this person was quite patronising to me – I must have been wearing my ‘Disabled’ sticker! Then shortly after that I needed the toilet but I didn’t know where it was. The staff member from the building said to me without hesitating ‘the ladies is that way.’ I am fairly certain she was trying to be helpful but it really upset me. I wish people would not assume gender – and particularly MY gender! I was talking about it to a friend today and she said that most people would assume gender when they saw me and I understand that but it just upsets me. I rarely assume gender based on looking at a person – although I admit I have done it before. For me a person could be any gender and wear any kind of clothes. I am not going to assume they are a particular gender. Surely this is why we introduce ourselves with our pronouns.
It is a full time job managing all the bigoted nonsense that is out there. We need a lot more understanding or trans experience and we need more positive representation or trans and gender divergent folks. Ice again, things are improving in the neurodiversity space but there is still a long way to go.
I educate people where I can. Some activists say we shouldn’t have to educate ignorant people but I am always happy to educate – although I agree that other people’s bigotry and bias is not my responsibility to fix!
I am lucky in this area. I am a confident, accomplished Autistic, non-binary and Asexual person. I don’t take crap! I am an alpha personality too and am more than happy to pull someone up if they do the wrong thing – gently leading those who don’t mean it and challenging those where there is intent. Sometimes people say ‘I can’t use your pronouns because it is too hard.’ That is common one I have got over the years and I have to turn it around and explain how it feels for me to be misgendered.
I think things are improving in this space but there is never room for complacency. There are plenty of people who would have me simply because I am non-binary. So keep flying the flag for inclusion in all its forms and if in doubt, ask a trans person.










