When I was a young child in primary school I started going to this place on weekends called Byron House. Most of the other people there were boys and they liked to play chess, which wasn’t really my thing. I don’t remember anyone telling me why I was there. I don’t even remember what I did there although I’m fairly certain it didn’t involve playing chess with a bunch of aspiring grand masters! I found out later that Byron House was a program for gifted kids and I one of those. Apparently my IQ score in primary school was very high and my voracious appetite for books, love of writing poetry and interest in topics apparently more mature than my years put me in the gifted group.

Intellect is not a quality I care a lot about. I have enough of it that I can do all the things I need to but it is not the key part of my work. However intellect and giftedness in Autistic people – as well as others I suppose – can become a more curse than blessing at times, particularly when it joins that very problematic concept of ‘high’ or ‘low’ functioning.

I have a friend who has two children who are Autistic. The older boy is similar to me in many ways – extroverted, quick-witted, can do his school work without to much need for assistance or intervention. This young man has been given the ‘high functioning’ label. His younger brother is more introverted and doesn’t speak much. He has some more noticeably different behaviours which bring him to the attention of staff at his school. This young man has been given the ‘low functioning’ label. My friend tells me what usually happens when educators and others meet her children: The older boy has very high – often unrealistically high – expectations placed on him, while his brother’s skills and capability is almost always ignored due to the low expectations that come with the ‘low functioning’ label. The older boy gets little or no help even if he really needs it and his brother rarely gets the opportunity for stretching or taking on challenges. This is one of the many issues with the functioning labels applied to Autistic people and the expectations which often surround them.  Applying a functioning label can rob Autistic kids and adults of the opportunities and /or supports they need simply based on assumptions around intellect and ‘functioning.’

High and low functioning Autism are not even actual diagnostic criteria within the literature. They are a sort of unofficial – and subjective – addition to the Autism diagnosis. Unfortunately they carry a lot more weight in society than they should. I am often described as ‘high functioning’. This is usually a shorthand for being verbally articulate and able to mix in non-autistic society, to study and work and so forth. If you look at me and my prodigious over-achievement of recent years, I am probably extremely ‘high functioning’ for any human being, Autistic or otherwise! However lives are not static. Twenty-two years ago I can tell you exactly where I was at this time of day on this date. I was in the management  unit at what was then known as the Metropolitan Women’s Correctional Centre in Melbourne: a privately-run hell where I engaged in all manner of self destructive activities which if I were an Autistic child in  school would have almost certainly have attracted the ‘low functioning’ label. This illustrates that functioning is a matter of time and experience and environment. Also functioning can change over the course of hours or days. I was in hospital once in recent years and the nurse asked where my carer was because I was psychotic as well as in meltdown. The assumption was that I needed 24 hour care whereas in actual fact I work in a high level job and spend my spare time writing books! At that point in my life I was definitely ‘;low functioning’ but this changed. When these labels are applied they are usually seen as ‘either / or’ rather than a range fo different levels of capability. They really don’t offer anything helpful to autistic people.

I know certain people will say ‘but this person doesn’t speak. They can’t work, they are low functioning,’ The statement contains a lot of quite unhelpful, not to mention insulting, assumptions. There are a number of Autistic activists and advocates who do not speak. Their advocacy is no less valuable because their voice comes form an iPad or laptop. The notion that people who don’t speak must of necessity have nothing to say is offensive and just simply wrong. Historically the ability to speak using vocal chords and words has been used to signify intellect and selfhood. This needs to be addressed because it is incorrect and incredibly invalidating for those who use non-speech communication.

Another problem with the functioning label, aside from it being based in quite a narrow notion of ‘function,’ is that is sets out a sort of path for people to take. It predicts what will happen in a person’s life and often this is not helpful at all. I have a friend who is a professional designer and is Autistic. He attended a specialist school for most of his primary years. His parents were told he was ‘low functioning’ and would not cope in mainstream education. Preferences and arguments around types of schooling aside, this person who was given the path for ‘low functioning’ in fact went to university and proved all of those stereotypes and assumptions wrong. This makes me wonder how many other kids and their parens are given the ‘path’ which in fact will result in them not leading the fulfilled life they otherwise could? Functioning labels come with a whole load of assumptions and in my experience assumptions and Autism are a dangerous mix often resulting in people being denied rights and opportunities.

I guess these issues relate to Autistic people being held up against measures based in non-autistic experience and values. They essentially say ‘how normal are you?’ They can either throw people in the deep end minus any support because they are apparently so ‘high functioning’ or they can result in a child and their parent/s having a predominantly pessimistic view about their future. I would like Autistic individuals to be treated on their own merits and experience, Some blanket functioning label based in a limited understanding about Autism not much use for individuals. We really need to stop using these functioning labels as hey cause a lot more harm than good and are essentially meaningless.

On Thursday of this week I mark two years as Yenn. On 11 February 2019 I went to work. As I typed some worky something I thought ‘Yenne’ and wrote it down. ‘No’, I thought. I then wrote down ‘Yenn’ and I knew then that it was correct. I had found the name which best reflected my me. It was a good thing indeed.

There is some background to this. In 2018 I came out as non-binary. I viewed this as a massive liberation and one of the most important things which had ever happened to me. My dead name (name prior to transition for those who don’t already know) was very suggestive of the feminine and it didn’t suit me. Not only did it not suit me as an out non-binary person, I had never liked it. It felt like a winter coat that didn’t fit properly and felt uncomfortable but it was the only coat I had so I needed to keep wearing it. When I came out my name was on my list of things that needed addressing. I tried to find a name consciously but never managed to come up with anything  that worked. A name is a pretty important part of your identity so it needed to be right. I decided to leave my name to my subconscious. Yay to my subconscious for coming up with such a good name! I LOVE Yenn. It is so me. It also gets shortened to Yennski which I love. I have a wonderful colleague at work who calls me ‘comrade Yennski’ which always makes me smile – especially as we work in Government administration! My subconscious might have come up with Yenn but my conscious mind has unpacked it, so here goes… To yen is poetic speak for yearning and I am a big fan of self reflection (just look at my blog posts!!). Yenn is also a nod to my dead name as it has an ‘e’ and two ’n’s so it is a link to my past and Yenn is not really a gendered name, at least in Australia. 

It took me a while to get used to my name. I had a book launch event the day after I changed my name. I was in conversation with the awesome Graeme Simsion to launch his book The Rosie Result. It was at a bookshop so there were staff and guests everywhere. I heard a laugh behind me. It was Graeme who thought it was highly amusing that I was so new to my name that I didn’t look around when he called me Yenn!! In fact I was the worst culprit for dead naming and misgendering myself for some months! Apparently this is common with some trans people as we have known ourself as our assigned gender at birth and our dead name longer than anyone so it can take a while to get used to our new name and pronouns. 

I have learned a few things since I came out. One thing another trans friend said to me was that I would learn who my friends were – and weren’t – when I came out. This was 100 per cent true. Some pope surprised me by their acceptance and others surprised me with their bigotry. I didn’t lose a lot of social media followers but I lost some people I would have hoped would know better, including a friend from high school who I had known since 1987. That was hurtful. I also had someone give me a hard time online and then several months later give me a genuine apology, presumably after reflection and consideration. 

I find that every time I post something about gender diversity and being non-binary I get at least one troll. This saddens me. I talk about my criminal history and nobody trolls or blames me about that even though it is shameful but when I talk about gender diversity which is not at all shameful and is in fact something to celebrate, some sad troll dishes out a bunch of nasty bigotry.

One of the nicest things about being non-binary is that I have a profile as an autistic non-binary person. I have met so many autistic and trans young people – and not so young people – who find that me being so out loud and proud in the public domain helps them on their own journeys. I remember meeting a friend’s child who is non-binary and my friend said to them ‘Yenn uses they them pronouns too’ and this kid’s face just lit up. It was wonderful.

I am very confident in my identity. I am genuinely proud. I was talking with my dad the other day. My parents are lovely but they were brought up in a conservative church so I had never really talked about my own gender identity with them in case they had some reservations. I thought that if there were any issues it would damage our relationship. They never seemed bigoted but I didn’t want to find out the hard way! So the other day I was talking about my gender identity with my dad and he was just so beautiful and respectful. He said one thing I will always remember which was that he saw me as being visibly happier since I came out and that I was more ‘me.’ So big thank you to my dad. 

People ask me ‘where does your name come from?’ And I answer that I created it. So happy 2 year Yenniversary to me. And as an amusing last note, I often wonder if in the future there will be any kids of autistic parents – or any parents for that matter – who get called Yenn. That would be extremely cool!  

Content warning: criminal justice, self harm, suicide attempts

I often joke that I have made a career of oversharing! I am a person with what you might call a difficult past who has overcome that to become something of a ridiculous overachiever. I don’t often do such reflective personal posts but I figured I was due for one. Yesterday, 5 February 2021, was a signifiant and auspicious date in the Yennski calendar. It makes 21 years of me no longer being a prisoner – a pretty big milestone in anyone’s book. I don’t think many people realise how desperate and defeated I used to be. I think a lot of people’s only understanding of the criminal justice system is what they know from movies and TV. It was not like that. I was in prison on a number of occasions. The first was due to my partner at the time being a horrible criminal and me not really figuring this out until I was so caught up with him that I was afraid he would kill me if I left him. I went along with his schemes in order mostly to survive and ended up in jail as a result. I was there for six months and it was then that I received my autism diagnosis. The experience of prison was traumatic – it was like being at school only the bullies could kill you. I was afraid for my life and tried as hard as I could to fit in. After being released that time I self medicated with drugs in order to cope psychologically. This led to me having a psychotic episode and getting. A subsequent diagnosis of schizophrenia which I still have now, 26 years later. I got unwell again in 1996 and received some very poor care resulting in my returning to prison. I became institutionalised and kept going back. I was the most broken person imaginable. Self harm and suicide attempts were my constant preoccupation and I was violent at times as well. People expected me to die. I expected – and wanted – my death. It is a piece of luck that I changed my world.

I ended up in isolation in the prison for six weeks – the six weeks prior to my final release. I hated being alone in a tiny space so when I was finally released I no longer saw the institution as an option. I finally didn’t want to go back. It was a very negative experience which led to a very positive one.  I was released to the care fo a mental health residential program on 5 February 2021, some 21 years ago. It changed my life.

My attitudes changed but it was difficult. I remember writing lists of things I didn’t like about prison and things I did like about not being in prison but it was still pretty tenuous. Thankfully the program I was staying at had a full complement of lovely staff members who cared and the whole outlook of the program was strengths-based. After six months at the program I moved out to a boarding house with several women who were homeless. This was a difficult time as the house was not very nice and the women there were quite troubled. Thankfully I got a spot in another mental health program and could stay there for up to three years.

Accommodation was a big issue for me as I was poor so had very little say in where I lived. The new house was in a very nice suburb and this actually helped me on my journey from there to here. I saw all these women walking their babies in the park during the day. They were clearly the partners of people who worked at such high level jobs that they didn’t both need to work. The cafes in this suburb were lovely and I wondered if maybe I could have a good job one day and live somewhere as nice as this. I worked out that I wanted to be ‘ordinary’. By that I meant I wanted a professional job, an education, a mortgage and a suit. I didn’t tell anyone my intentions as I figured they would laugh at me. I had only been out of prison a few moths. Who did I think I was thinking these outlandish plans! 

The job situation was tricky as a dishwashing job in a restaurant in 2001 resulted in such high stress that I became psychotic.  OK, I thought. I can’t work now but I will work one day! I proved I was up to that challenge by incrementally building my confidence for work by getting a volunteer job, a small business and then a role working for a charity – what I would now call ‘controlled challenges’.

In 2005 something happened which changed my life forever. I wrote a book, my autobiography Finding a Different Kind of Normal. It was published and my confidence grew exponentially. Three months after the book came out I applied for – and got – a public service graduate job. I even gave the department a copy of my book so they could read my story and understand how I had dramatically changed since my difficult days in the 1990s. I moved to Canberra in 2007 and my world changed.

There were factors at play that helped me to change my life. One of them is the support of my parents. They stood by me every single day and undoubtedly went through some horrific and stressful times but they stayed with me. I appreciate this more than I can say. Another protective factor is my attitude and approach to life. I am a confident optimist. If I wasn’t I would have struggled to do any of the things I do. Another factor is my level of resilience. I learn strength from difficult circumstances. And I guess the final thing is that I have faith in myself. If I take a particular route I don’t doubt that I can take it to a good place. 

I am extremely unlikely. Most people with my history, well most of them sadly are dead. And those who have overcome the kind of life I had are often content to just muddle through. I have nothing against muddling through but for me ambition and accomplishment sort of come naturally. It’s like in the distant past I sought out the extremely negative and in the last 21 years I have sought out the extremely positive. Whatever the reason I love my preposterous, unusual and highly unlikely life. I am so grateful it is hard to express. My life now – with all its challenges – is infinitely better than the troubling and destructive times I had in the past. Happy 21st to the new me.

If you want to read more about Yennski in the 1990s and early 2000s, here is a link to my autobiography: https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Different-Normal-Jeanette-Purkis/dp/1843104164

CW: Predatory behaviour 

This is a post about trusting people. It is a really tricky area and I definitely do not have all the solutions! I am sharing a few of my thoughts on the topic and I hope they will be helpful.

A couple of weeks ago I went to the coast with a relatively new friend. We went to a fairly secluded beach that was only accessible via about twenty minutes on a dirt road. As we navigated the potholes and corrugations a thought crossed my mind… what if my friend was taking me to a quiet place to kill me? What if they left me in the bush and drove off? Would anyone find me or would I die alone in nature? Of course my friend didn’t kill me but it got me thinking about trust. When I was going to the beach I needed to trust my friend – not only their behaviour but their driving ability, their knowledge of the area and the level of organisation they had (e.g. that they would have enough petrol in the car!). In this instance trusting my friend was a good idea – we had a lovely time at the beach, didn’t run out of petrol and there was no murder or leaving Yennski at the side of the road! However for many autistic people trust can be a bit fo a double-edged sword.

Autistic people tend to very honest. This is a sort of default setting most of the time. We do not need to work at being honest – we simply are. Neurotypical communication is different. Often they say one thing and mean another. For autistics this can be very confusing and upsetting. I have had many conversations with my autistic mum who doesn’t understand this part of neurotypical communication and thinks they are being highly dishonest – not to mention rather baffling! I don’t think most people are always being deliberately dishonest but sometimes they are and this can be a huge issue when it comes to trust. Many autistic people assume that others are as honest and trustworthy as we are. The assumption is that everyone is honest and decent because we are and that is often the lens through which we view the world. The problem with this is that some people can take advantage of our trusting nature.

When I was younger I owed some rent to a housemate. For a variety of reasons that I won’t go into here, I gave this housemate my debit card and said she should take out the money I owed and then return the card. The next thing I knew this housemate had stolen all my money – $4000 – and moved to Queensland. I was horrified – and surprised! It had not occurred to me that she would take all my money. I spent years thinking she would apologise and pay me back. Instead she gave me a rather unlikely  justification for why she had taken all my savings and I never heard from her again! 

Sadly this kind of thing is not uncommon. One of the other autistic people who joined me as part of the documentary Alone in a Crowded Room said she was up to $500,000 in money owed to her which she would never see. It is almost like predatory people can see us coming! It is also very disappointing that this happens so often. Being trusting should be a positive quality rather than a reason to be taken advantage of.

Thoughts on addressing this include:

• There is a saying about preventing rape. The solution to preventing rape is simply don’t rape people! I think a similar approach is true for being taken advantage of in other ways. If you want to prevent people being taken advantage of then don’t take advantage of people! In other words the victim is not responsible for the predatory behaviour. This is the main solution but it requires change from others.
• Some strategies for addressing predatory behaviour for those on the receiving end include:
  • Being aware that not everyone is trustworthy. I think a lot of autistic people do not always have this knowledge in mind and because we are generally decent then we don’t expect others to not be decent and it comes as a surprise when someone does the wrong thing.  
  • If you get a bad feeling about something someone asks you to do, take notice of this. It should be noted though that not everyone has this sort of ‘sixth sense’.
  • Be wary of people offering a relationship very soon after meeting you. Also if your partner asks / tells you to do things you feel uncomfortable about they may well be taking advantage of you 
  • If someone gives you an offer that seems too good to be true, be very wary as it probably is!
  • If someone does take advantage of you, don’t blame yourself. It is the result of their bad behaviour, not yours. 

I should note after all that cautionary information, that trust can be extremely rewarding. It is a minority of people who will take advantage of us. Having friends and partners can be an amazing thing. I am so glad I trusted my friend and went to the beach because it was a lovely day. If I hadn’t trusted them I would definitely have missed out. So I guess the message is that trust can be a good thing but be wary of predators – it is not always a good idea to trust people. As I said, tricky!

This is basically a positive story about employment and how I have managed to demonstrate positive qualities in my working life. Before I start with all the positivity I will preface this with the fact that for many autistic people employment is anything but positive. For some it is unattainable, with applications and interviews tripping us up before we even get a go. For others the unwritten rules and hidden curriculum of the workplace prove too challenging, confusing and frustrating, leading to people churning through work placements and even giving up entirely. For some anxiety and perfectionism make work impossible and for others discrimination, ableism and bullying cut short their careers. I recognise this and that for some my positive experiences are not at all relatable. The workplace definitely needs to change in a major way to address this. For me I have spent many years building a career and navigating these and other challenges, mostly very successfully. I hope that some of my experiences are helpful for others.

Next month marks fourteen years of my working in a professional role in the public sector.

When I joined the workforce I had never worked in an office before. There were loads of unwritten rules and it was a culture I knew nothing about. I observed and tried to learn the ‘language’ of the office. I was reasonably successful after a while but I still ‘get it wrong’ sometimes even after almost 14 years. I work very hard and am known for my diligence and organisational skills. My work ethic is very well-developed and, like many other autistic employees, I do not generally waste time. If I am at work I am working. Managers comment on this.

One of my positive employment qualities – and a positive life quality – is that I am very grateful. Gratitude is something I practice daily. Some years ago I was very unwell with depression. The psychologist I was seeing told me to write down something I was grateful for every day. I usually wrote down that I was grateful because I have a job. At that time in my life work was really challenging due to my illness but I was still grateful to have a job. In fact I was extremely grateful because I had a rehabilitation case manager from my workplace and they were really helpful in getting me through my period of illness. I am still consciously grateful to have a job. I joined my workplace when I was living in public housing and receiving the disability pension. My job completely changed my life for the better and I will always be grateful to that because being poor was horrible and took away all my choices. 

Another quality which makes my world of work wonderful is my honesty. Autistics tend to be naturally good at honesty and it can be a big positive. In my 14 years at work I have made three mistakes with potential consequences. (I’m a perfectionist so don’t really make many mistakes.) On each occasion as soon as I noticed the error the first thing I did was go to my manager and tell them. This may look like a difficult thing to do but as I am so honest, hiding errors from my manager would be a lot more difficult! And being honest in that situation was a lot better then hiding it.

Which brings me to a very important positive that I bring to the workplace: my autism. Autism can be a huge plus in the world of work. Autistics are often very diligent, honest, hard-working and have great attention to detail. Autistic employees can be keenly aware of errors and can be particularly respectful around diversity and inclusion in their colleagues and can pick up on things which neurotypical staff may miss. There are many companies now which only hire autistic staff, being mindful of these many positives.  

I imagine some readers might think I have never had any issues in the workplace. While I have had issues on occasions my overwhelming experience of the workplace has been very positive. After a long career I am now able to talk about autism and employment at work – and to other workplaces too. I think my experience of the workplace gives me an enviable position to not only talk about autism to employers but I imagine it also makes me a role model or mentor for other neurodivergent people wanting to work in professional roles. I am immensely grateful for my job and most mornings I wake up enthusiastic to start the day.

I really wish that other autistic people can have similar positive experiences at work as me and that they can say that their world of work is wonderful too. Making the workplace more inclusive and respectful is a big job but definitely not an unattainable one.

On Thursday morning my alarm clock went off at 6:30. Normally I would leap out of bed and greet the day, excited to go to work and ‘rock the casbah’ (which is Yenn-ese for doing good work and generally trying to change the world). However, on Thursday I lay in bed for as long as I possibly could, not wanting to get up. I went to work and did my thing but I wasn’t quite me. When I got home I lay in my papasan chair repeating ‘I am SO tired’ and questioning ‘Yennski Yenn, are you OK?’  These were not good signs. I identified that I was quite depressed and also quite overloaded.

Friday was marginally better and today about the same but my energy and enthusiasm is pretty much non-existent. I am forcing myself to write this post because I need something in the nature of an output to put in my weekly email which goes out on a Saturday!! 

There is a theory called spoon theory which relates to energy levels and overload. Spoon theory is a metaphor that is used to describe the amount of mental or physical energy a person has available for daily activities and tasks. The theory was developed by Christine Miserandino as a way to express how it felt to have Lupus. A lot of people in the disability and mental health space apply spoon theory to their experiences. I think it is a good metaphor and I use it frequently in my advocacy work.

Autistic people can often benefit from this way of understanding navigating the world and managing escalation around meltdowns and shutdowns. If you imagine that an autistic person has ten ‘spoons’ for the day.  They wake up and have not had enough sleep. That might have taken two or three spoons. Their cat vomits on the floor. Cleaning it up tales a spoon or two. Their child won’t get dressed for school and they have an argument about this. Another few spoons. For many of us we can be all out of spoons by before lunchtime. Then imagine that something really stressful happens – we make a mistake at work, we have to have a haircut or medical appointment. Even if we had a full complement of spoons these things would be very difficult but if you have no spoons left it is unbearable and can result in overload and meltdowns.

The good news is that spoons can be replenished. When I was overwhelmed on Thursday I replenished my spoons by talking to my mum on the phone and watching TV. While it didn’t totally fix the overload it definitely helped. Some ways of replenishing spoons can include soothing sensory experiences, engaging in passionate interests, spending time wth pets and other animals and doing something you enjoy. It can also help to have downtime. When I am getting overloaded I often tell myself to just stop and do nothing for a while.

Saying ‘no’ can be a great way of preserving spoons. Often we get overloaded because we have offered or agreed to do things which are stressful or overwhelming. It is OK to say no. My good friend and coauthor Dr Emma Goodall once gave me a little buzzer which says ‘NO!!!’ in a variety of ways when you press it. While this was meant partially as a joke it is actually really helpful. If I get asked to do too many things I just press on the buzzer and remind myself that it is OK to say no. I reflect that there are many other autism advocates who would love to do the thing which I don’t want to or don’t have the energy to.

Autistic people are particularly prone to burnout and overload. Spoon theory is a way we can understand this overload and avoid getting so overloaded we have meltdowns or burnout. And just as an amusing way to end this post, the spoons in the picture are mine and they are actually gold plated! I sometimes send people the picture and say ‘If you are low on spoons have some of mine. They are gold plated.’ And they are 🙂

Content warning: Mental ill health

I have a mental illness. This is far from a secret – I talk about it all the time. I joke that I have made a career of oversharing. Right now my mental state is pretty tenuous and I am debating whether I should call the crisis team or not. My clinical manager was off work today so when I called expecting to talk to her I was told she was on leave. This left me feeling quite alone and vulnerable.

The interesting thing about my illness – or one of them at least – Is my capacity to work full-time, write books and do all manner of things while I am quite unwell. I remember a friend saying how amazing it was that I was unwell but that I was able to sell my house last year. I never worked out if that was a criticism and admonishment for me not to complain about my illness or if it was said from a place of thinking I was impressive. Looking back I think it was impressive to renovate and sell a property when I had only been discharged from hospital a few weeks prior and that the hospital stay was eight months! I didn’t think I was doing anything unusual at the time. I needed to sell my house so I did what you do to sell it. I am quite stoic and determined which I think makes that kind of thing possible. 

I was not always able to accomplish things when unwell. I was unemployed / outside of the labour force from 1994-2003 and accessed disability payments. I remember being reviewed for my payments and worrying I would be too well to keep receiving them. My psychiatrist who filled out the form said ‘I will use the magic word: psychosis”! She was correct in thinking that part of my illness would warrant a continuation of my income support payments and it was a few more years before I started my current job. 

My illness is a tricky one. Basically what happens is that if I get very anxious over a long period – or, as happened in one instance I take ADHD medication – I lose touch with reality and go into a psychotic state which is frankly terrifying, like living in a nightmare. I also get mood issues, usually depression but sometimes mania. Life becomes hellish and I often want to check out before I am supposed to. The first time I was psychotic I had no idea that I was unwell. I thought the universe was ending and I was the only person who knew this was happening.  Very, very frightening. I call it my Alice in Wonderland experience – more the scary confusing bits that the whimsical ones though. I have taken medication for psychosis since 1995 and – unless there is a cure for schizophrenia – will probably have to do so for the rest of my life. The meds have side effects but I don’t usually consider living without them as it is likely that would end very badly.

I manage an immense workload both in my advocacy work and my day job. My managers at work and I agree that I do the work of two people. My capacity for hard work is huge. You might think that this is a negative in terms of mental health but it really isn’t. In fact work – day job or advocacy-related – is an excellent distraction when I am having a hard time. If I can focus on my work I am spending less energy devoted to worrying about my mental health. This doesn’t always work for if I am very unwell I cannot focus on my work. When this happens I take leave or downtime – depending on which sort of work I am doing. I take my work very seriously and love that I can devote myself to it.

I sometimes wonder if people think I don’t have as much drama with my mental illness as I say I do. This is because on the surface I am doing things that most people could only do if they were in a good mental state. The thing with me is that I don’t find anything I do very difficult whereas I think most people probably would. Most people would think that writing a book was a very difficult and involved process but for me writing a book is something I do most years and I really enjoy. Definitely not a big challenge for me. The same goes for my paid work. I have been at the same level at work since 2009 and know my job pretty much backwards so it isn’t really a big challenge to do my work. Sometimes even I doubt the level of my mental illness and then remember that I take major medication and every few years end up in hospital for a long time. I think comparing people’s mental health and judging what you think they should or shouldn’t be able to do is not really all that helpful.

I am proud of my accomplishments as a person with a mental illness / psychosocial disability. Life can be really challenging and frightening but I am still here. I have a 100% strike rate of keeping going and getting through the difficult bits. And I know my work around mental health has helped a lot of people. If my story and experience can help others to manage their mental health then I am doing something right!

I want to write about relationships. I am currently staying with my lovely parents in Beechworth. I am extremely close with my parents and love spending time with them. People often remark that I am lucky to have such a good relationship with them but luck isn’t really the reason.

Anyone who has read my autobiography will know that my teen and early adult years were, to put it bluntly, hellish. I was a very rebellious teen, joining the socialists at 15 and arguing constantly with my parents until I moved interstate at the very young age of 17. When I was 20 I met a very dangerous man and ended up committing crimes with him and going to prison. I spent the next five years in and out of institutions, I acquired a serious drug problem and a serious mental illness diagnosis. The upshot of this was that my family relationships were very strained.

When I was released from prison for the last time in 2000 I set about making a better life for myself. I wanted to have a professional job, an education, a mortgage and a suit. I left behind my difficult past – or I tried to at least. My relationship with family was very problematic but I wanted it to be better. My mum would talk to her friends about my past and it made me very embarrassed and quite angry but I was determined to make my relationship with my family better. I was particularly concerned that my parents would pass away before we made our peace with one another.

The improvement in our relationship was not entirely my doing but I think I shouldered a fair amount of the work. The lovely thing was that our efforts to repair family relationships has worked. It definitely didn’t happen quickly but it happened. I now reflect on how my parents supported me when many parents would have given up. I had a visit every month from them when I was a prisoner. Apparently when I first went to jail an elderly and rather conservative relative told my parents if it was her that she would move to Peru! To my parents great credit there was no thought of moving to Peru and they were determined to stick around. They reflected that the other middle class prisoners’ families stopped visiting or didn’t visit at all and they didn’t want to do that to me. When I understood the depth for their love I could forgive them any more minor issues and reflect on the power of that love. 

I have gone from thinking my parents were the enemy when I was a teen, to thinking they were the root of all my issues when I was in my twenties to being annoyed by them but loving them a lot in my thirties to where we are at now which I like to think is a place of grea love and appreciation.

My mum is like my best friend. This is what people see but beneath any strong relationship is a difficult journey. Relationships often take work and there is pain and anger and challenges a lot of the way. I am so glad to have worked on my relationship with my family. It was a difficult thing but it has yielded the most precious thing. Thank you to my family and thank you to me. I know that without thew support I had from my parents I probably would have never made it out of the world of drugs and crime. I will be grateful to this for the rest of my life.   

Yesterday was Christmas Day. I did not go to family lunch, for a variety of reasons. Instead I went to a Festivus celebration hosted by gender diversity advocacy organisation A Gender Agenda. I was a little anxious about this as the friend I had planned on going with was sick and unable to attend. In the end I braved my social anxiety at potentially being in a room full of strangers and went. I‘m very glad I did. I had some great conversations and met some wonderful people. And I felt very much at home amongst other trans and gender diverse people. Many of the people were neurodivergent too – research evidence confirms that neurodivergent and particularly autistic people are considerably more likely to be trans and gender diverse than the general population. I felt at home and accepted – as I often feel in groups of people who are neurodivergent and people who are trans.

I have been out as non-binary since 2018. It has been an amazing and liberating journey for me. This is what I posted on social media in 2018 to signal my coming out: 

I recently publicly affirmed and declared that I identify as being of non-binary gender and that I prefer being referred to as ‘them/they’ to being to as ‘she/her.’ It has been incredibly liberating and opening new possibilities to my understanding of myself and others. It makes me feel sort of young, like I am discovering more about myself than I knew was there. I am wondering why it took me so long to get to this point of identifying and understanding. There is a lot of contented happy wandering through life tempered by occasional worry and uncertainty. 

I came out to pretty much everyone in my life at the same time, which was difficult but also a bit of a relief. Given that I have a public profile it seemed easier to do it all in one go. Shortly after I came out a trans friend said that I would find but who my friends were – and who they weren’t. This was almost instantly true. Some people exited my life, either quietly or in a storm of hostility and judgement and others strengthened their support and friendship. Some people were hostile and then months later came around to a more supportive viewpoint and apologised. I discovered that people misgendering  me (using the wrong pronouns and name) was a common occurrence and one I could never work out how to appropriately address. This is still an issue now. I hate being misgendered but I struggle to correct people more than once or twice, even gently, for fear of being accused of being the person who corrects everyone. This is an ongoing issue which I am working on.

I changed my name to Yenn almost two years ago and officially changed it a few months later. I love Yenn and it felt instantly ‘right’. Many of my autism world followers only know me as Yenn now which is lovely. Changing my name was the most affirming thing I have ever done. I love it. And yes, you can call me Yennski because I love that too!

Being out is a challenge at times. Being out in the workplace is definitely a challenge but mostly a very positive thing. I have been asked to participate in some activities at my workplace for International Non-binary Persons Day which was just beautiful. I am active in the pride network at work. I am fortunate to have a very supportive workplace and I wish that this was the case for everyone. I get to give talks on gender diversity all over the world (well, via Zoom in other countries anyway). I have coauthored a book on autism and gender diversity with the wonderful Dr Wenn Lawson which is due out early next year. I have a profile as a gender diverse autistic advocate and I often talk about gender diversity and autism.

Some things have been really crappy in relation to my coming out. The first is trolling. Whenever I post about gender some sad little bully attacks me with one of a number of mean and hateful comments. I remember posting a video diary about my coming out and I got about thirty trolls leave hateful comments. It was really hurtful on a personal level and infuriating on a societal level. Another time I was asked to give a media interview in the USA and when I said I wanted to talk about gender diversity they cancelled the piece citing it as being ‘too political.’ I hate that my very deeply held personal identity is called ‘political.’ Why? Being trans and gender diverse should not be seen as being ‘political.’ Is it political to be a cis gender man? Of course not so why does my gender get seen as ‘political’? I want the day to come when gender simply is gender, not ‘political.’

I am proud of my identity and of who I am. I love being non-binary and, at age 46 I love that I have finally discovered language to describe my gender. I absolutely love seeing young people – and especially autistic young people – embracing their gender identity and discovering who they are. It is magic. I didn’t get to find language for my gender until I was relatively old so I am delighted that others will not have to go through their life not knowing their identity. 

I love being me. I had someone recently say ‘I love your sweet enby (non-binary) style.’ I love my sweet enby style too. My gender is a gift, an affirmation and a liberation. Love it. 

Post script: This will be my last blog post for 2020. Thank you to all my readers. I hope you have enjoyed the blog. I love writing it. Have a lovely 2021. 

– Yennski 🙂

Trigger warning: bullying 

When I was a child I am told I took an IQ text. Apparently my IQ was quite high. This, coupled with my interest in reading, writing, creativity and science put me into the ‘gifted’ category. I went to a weekend program for gifted kids for a while. The kids there all played chess and I felt uncomfortable. Nobody told me why I was there and it all seemed very strange.

Not long before that I was the class clown. I hated school and the only enjoyment I had involved making my fellow students laugh. I didn’t like the teachers and spent much of my time in the principal’s office. The difference happened when a new principal started and she could see and encouraged my potential for academic and creative output rather than just juvenile stand up comedy!

I never actually realised I was supposed to be intelligent. Nobody told me so it wasn’t really part of my reality. I was top of the year in almost every class but that didn’t seem out of the ordinary. In high school bullies called me a bunch of ablest slurs based on the view that I had an intellectual disability so it took me many, many years to work out I had been a gifted child. 

Things are challenging for gifted and neurodiverse kids now too. There is a term ‘twice exceptional’ used to describe kids who have a high intellect and are also people with disability. A lot of autistic kids (and adults) are twice exceptional including – as I now know – myself. 

There are specific issues which twice exceptional people tend to experience. A big one is where people assume that because you are academically gifted then you must have no problems. People can’t imagine being prodigiously talented themselves so have no understanding of how intellect and talent do not necessarily make life easier. For me my academic prowess if anything made my life harder. This was because I stood out, I was noticeably odd and did well in schoolwork – all characteristics which drew the attention of every bully in school. Had I been more ‘average’ I imagine the bullies might have been less interested in me. In reality I was bullied every day I went to school. I hated being intelligent and remember trying to come across as more ‘ordinary’ but it never worked.

Twice exceptional people often miss out on support. People find it hard to understand that twice exceptional people can experience significant difficulties. Mental health issues are common among twice exceptional people. We can also feel distant and detached from the rest of the world. I think it is great for twice exceptional people to meet other twice exceptional people as we often have a fellow feeling and form strong friendships.

Being twice exceptional can also be wonderful. I have prodigious skills in writing and public speaking which enable me to get through to a large audience and convey information which helps others to navigate life well. I know a number of twice exceptional autistic young people and kids whose creativity, talents and passions are amazing. I imagine that these young people will change the world.

I have had people throughout my life tell me that they would love my passion and talent. This is funny because for much fo my life I would have traded my talent for the ability to be socially accepted that others seem to find so easy. Thankfully I don’t think like that now and am very proud of my talents but I feel for those who struggle with that sort of thinking. We need a world where twice exceptional and gifted people are understood and supported. It can be so lonely to be twice exceptional but it shouldn’t have to be. Listen to our twice exceptional kids and adults and build respect and understanding so that nobody wants to trade their talent for acceptance like I did.