Being aware of ‘me’ messaging – or why it probably isn’t about Yenn

I had an epiphany yesterday – albeit an epiphany prompted by a friend. I have known this particular friend for a very long time. I respect and look up to her. She is one of my favourite people in the world. Every so often I make a comment, and my friend will say ‘it’s not all about Yenn!’ In the past I just thought it was about my autism rand not being something I could be aware of and address.

I actually am quite self-focussed. I like me. I am proud of me, and I tend to think I offer a lot to the world. I also have impostor syndrome and rejection sensitivity and have experienced a lot of trauma and invalidation – meaning the inside of my brain can be an interesting place at times! My positive views of me have been a protective factor in a world that has not always been kind or respectful of me and what I bring to the world. I suspect my self-focus possibly serves a purpose around protecting me from hatred. I like and value myself and this makes it harder for bigotry and bullying to ‘stick’. However, it is also presumably annoying for others, especially now that I am what I term a ridiculous overachiever! So today I recognised that my being so self-focussed might be a thing I can change.

I struggle with self-awareness in communication. I struggle to be aware of what I am saying and how others perceive my conversation. I usually address this through being extra nice and kind – then if people think I am being inappropriate or irritating they won’t mind so much! I find the idea of looking in on myself and being aware of what I am saying quite tricky at times, so when faced with the statement ‘it’s not all about you Yenn’ I have struggled to know which thing I was saying that prompted this response! I forget what I say a lot of the time, often immediately after saying it! This can certainly be tricky in terms of communicating with others.

As I mentioned, today I had an epiphany – prompted by the statement ‘It’s not all about Yenn’. I hadn’t realised before how much I approach the world in a Yenn-focussed way! Looking at my social media, almost everything is about my personal experience rather than advocacy-type things – although given I belong to intersectional groups, advocacy probably happens through my personal experience. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing, but I hadn’t realised before today. I looked at my Yemes in Canva – which total around 2000 images – and it took several scrolls through to identify any which didn’t start with ‘I’ or ‘My’! Taking this on board I am going to try to be less ‘it’s all about Yenn’. Other advocates don’t seem to do this. They talk mostly about issues and activism, not what they are wearing or the fact their cat caught a fly!

I think there is a place for my very personal Yenn brand, but I also think it might be nice to shift the focus from me to other topics a bit more in my work as well.

It is an odd place to arrive at after fifty-one years. I don’t think my self-focus is because I think I am better than others or my life is more interesting. It is just how I am. I have used my Yenn brand to overcome a lot of challenges but maybe now it is time to let some of the Yenn things alone and focus more on changing the world in whatever way I can. This is particularly true in the current world political situation. I am an autistic and transgender person so there is plenty I can do – and need to do – to work towards addressing the bigotry and hatred which is out there. I mean I have been doing this for a while but through the lens of brand Yennski.

I have certainly been having a good number of epiphanies lately! I’m interested to see how this realisation impacts my work and how I interact with others into the future.

Thinking about intersectionality, disadvantage and privilege

A few years ago, I published a blog post and one of the responses was that I understood intersectionality where many other commentators did not. Kudos to me! (Although I had to Google intersectionality at that point to find out what I was apparently good at!) These days lots of commentators talk about intersectionality. It is a useful concept, especially in my line of work – Queer and neurodiversity advocacy!

Intersectionality is a concept which was identified by academic and civil rights activist Kimberle Crenshaw. Initially it was used to describe the compounded disadvantage experienced by women who were People of Colour. This was back in the late 1980s. Since then, the concept has been widened to include people from a number of other marginalised groups, including people with disability and neurodivergent people.

The concept of intersectionality is basically that if you belong to more than one marginalised group then this compounds the disadvantage your experience. There is a wonderful visual example of this. A while back a video did the rounds of social media illustrating the concept of intersectionality. There was a line of people who were about to have a running race. White people were told to take two steps forward, then cis gender men, then heterosexual people, then non-disabled people and so forth. Who do you reckon won the race? Probably not the fastest runner but the person who is least marginalised / belongs to the largest number of privileged groups!

Intersectionality is not an individual concept. It is a sociological one. This means that someone who has a bunch of privilege might actually have a crappy life and vice versa. For example. I belong to a bunch of marginalised groups but most of the time being me is pretty good! Intersectionality is about society and the structural barriers marginalised people face.

An important concept in this space is privilege. In this context, privilege refers to not belonging to marginalised groups. You can have areas of privilege and areas of disadvantage at the same time. For example, I am white and middle class (privileged groups), but I am also Autistic and Queer (marginalised groups).

Being privileged is not ‘bad’ – you can’t really help it, and it isn’t a choice! However, being privileged can impact your level of understanding of the challenges faced by others. It is important to be aware of your privilege and not come from a viewpoint of lacking understanding that you are privileged. The statement ‘check your privilege’ relates here. An example was a friend of mine who worked in a public service department. My friend is a woman from a refugee background and has a pretty good bead on intersectionality. Her boss – a white, cis gender, heterosexual, non-Disabled man – was putting together a conference. He showed my friend his proposed speaker list. She looked at it and said ‘you have no People of Colour, no First Nations people, no women…’ Her manager was genuinely amazed and said, ‘where did you get such incredible insight?’ He was not being deliberately discriminatory, but he had no idea of his level of privilege and that a conference would benefit from a more diverse range of speakers – or maybe that there even WERE speakers from diverse backgrounds!

People who are privileged often have no concept of their privilege. I imagine this is because it is not something they often need to reflect on – most likely nobody is telling them! For me as a transgender and autistic person I get a lot of reminders that I am different, but I don’t think it goes the other way so much.

Another area within the intersectionality space is about the difference between who blames who when there are issues. Generally – but not always – people from marginalised groups will fight the power so to speak. This is because they are marginalised, and wider society has either casued or compounded this and put barriers in their way. Privileged people – also generally but not always – are not able to fight the power because they are not oppressed by structures in society. Sadly, this can mean the turn on marginalised people. I always think ‘punch up not down’ in this situation – thanks to comedian the awesome Hannah Gadsby for reminding me of this metaphor!

Intersectionality is an important lens through which to view society – not just for those from marginalised groups but for everyone. It helps to understand diversity and inclusion and to be able to understand and support others and address societal barriers and discrimination. It is also a great support for those seeking to make a difference – such as activists and advocates.

Yenn’s rainbow boots!

One big fat Yennski! Or why judgement based on body shape isn’t very helpful

I have been overweight for a long time. I remember getting off a tram in Melbourne in 2000 and someone asking me – apparently in all seriousness – when my baby was due! I said, ‘I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat!’. I’m sure the person felt embarrassed. I didn’t mean to embarrass them – I was just being honest. I am fat so why would I be upset by someone thinking that I am! I am not ashamed of being fat. The main two reasons I put on bunch of weight in my twenties was that I was in prison and there were maggots in the food so instead of eating food from the kitchen I used my canteen spend for unhealthy snacks and lived on those for a long time. I didn’t have a lot of room to exercise in my cell so I put on weight.

Then there was my medication. I have taken anti-psychotic meds since I was 21. If you think anti-depressants are bad for weight gain, multiply that lots of times for their scarier cousins, the anti-psychotic meds. There is different degrees of impact with these drugs, but they do a few unpleasant things, including in relation to weight. The meds slow your metabolism and also increase your appetite. I wish I didn’t have to take the meds for this and many other reasons, but this is not an option for me – unless I want to be in a constant waking nightmare and being unable to do anything much.

My main problem with being fat is the expectations – and sometimes outright rudeness of others. People seem to manage to be very judgemental when it comes to body shape. They think I must have ‘let myself go’ or that I have no willpower of self-discipline. This always seems odd. Why does body shape so frequently result in judgment and rudeness from others? Other health things do not do this to anywhere near as a big a degree. I remember when actor Rebel Wilson lost a bunch of weight at around the same time she was kidnapped during an overseas trip. The media were by far and away more interested in talking about her weight loss than on her almost being murdered by criminals!

I did lose a lot of weight a few years ago, People were so excited by this. They would congratulate me on it. It struck me as odd. Why was my body size so important to other people? I know there are often health issues associated with weight, but I think the judgement goes beyond that. In some places in the world, big women are seen as being highly attractive, so it definitely isn’t a universal kind of judgement.

I wish people didn’t judge a person’s character based on the shape and size of their body. I am all for good physical health, exercising and so forth but I think the judgement and shaming around people being big – and especially women and girls – is not really helpful and it goes beyond concerns around weight and health. Plus, it is mean and extremely rude. Unless the person making the accusations is perfect themselves then maybe they shouldn’t criticise others!

I don’t want to make a distinction between ‘worthy’ fat people like me whose weight was the result of things like medications and health conditions that they have no control over and with others who are big due to an unhealthy lifestyle. Doing that makes me just as bad as the haters! If we go around judging people left right and centre it makes for a very unpleasant world!

Anyway, I am happy enough to be a big person. It certainly doesn’t worry me all that much. My health focus is usually around my mental health and making sure I can continue doing what I do without my nemesis schizophrenia coming in and making me terrified and miserable. If the medication I take to avoid that happening results in me being big, well so be it!

Medication and performance – or where did my work mojo go?

I take a medication called Clozapine. As medications go it is a case of ‘this is serious mum – REALLY serious!’. Three of the potential side effects are life threatening and so I have to have regular blood tests, ECGs and Echocardiograms to be able to keep taking the meds. When I started on the medication in 2020 it needed to be done in hospital as an impatient and took over three months to titrate up to an effective dose. Clozapine is the medication of choice for treatment resistant schizophrenia. It is a wonderful medication, and I have not been unwell since I went on it.

However, clozapine is a pharmaceutical friend which comes with some major strings attached. One of these is it effect on my brain, and particularly the ability for my brain to remember things and manage lots of things at the same time.

In 2007 I joined the public service. I am intelligent and the work was engaging. I never had any worries around performance. Quite the opposite in fact. One of my managers told me I would be able to do any job in the department if I put my mind to it. Flash forward to 2023 and I was unable to do even a mid-level role in the public service. I struggled to do what was expected of me. Unfortunately, at the time I didn’t have very understanding managers so life at work was very unpleasant and I quit.

Up until recently I thought the issue in my public service role was solely my managers but looking back I realise that my performance actually was pretty patchy. I didn’t understand this at the time as I had no real insight into my work. I has never been an underperformer in the past so why I should I be now?

The realisation about the impact of my meds on my work only really sank in this week after I had to quit a job that I absolutely loved, mostly because I couldn’t keep up with the conflicting priorities and need to know who lots of people are and what they do. When I first realised this, I went into a bit of a panic as I thought maybe I won’t be able to work anywhere again.

Actually, I don’t think that is true. The three jobs I have left because of this issue have all been roles where there were loads of small elements which needed tracking and prioritising. When I have work which I can do one thing at a time, I seem to be OK. So my academic work is not too challenging, and my support worker work is also OK. It is a bit of a rude shock though, the idea that maybe the issue will worsen, and I won’t be able to work at all. I am defined by my work. My work is what makes me who I am. I love to work, so much so that I have to force myself take weekends!

I guess it is a sobering kind of thing. I am someone with schizophrenia with a large profile and a CV that would rival most senior managers. I am considered brilliant and competent. Authors frequently get their publishers to ask me to provide an endorsement for their books. I am a brand. I am sought after all over the world and strangers regularly come up to me and say how wonderful my work is. I have always had a sort of dystopian Yennski career nightmare. It involves me being old, chronically unwell and in psychiatric hospital and saying to the nurses that I used to write books and them not believing me at all and saying, ‘that’s nice sweetie.’ Being unable to work is probably the closest fear I have to my fear of death – which is significant! I mean imagine a world without Yennski Horrible!!

My various disability conditions haven’t posed much of a threat to my employability for many years and having them do so now does not fill me with joy I must say! But I guess it helps to view myself as vulnerable and for there to be the possibility of limitations on what I do now and into the future. It also helps me to appreciate how well I have done thus far. A lot of other people with schizophrenia can’t work at all or spend lots of their lives unable to be part to the workforce. I used to be one of them, then I wasn’t and maybe possibly I will again in the future, I don’t know – and uncertainty is not my friend.

I am not quite sure how I should approach this. I tend to be pretty competitive in my attitudes around being me so maybe I should turn this into a competition – see how long I can continue working for, how many suitable roles I can find, whether I can actually improve matters, maybe how philosophical and accepting I can be about the whole situation!

I don’t have any solution to this at all. No nifty little Yennski pearl of wisdom, no free, unsolicited advice! I guess just embrace the uncertainty and aim to be the best Yenn I can be regardless of what I can or can’t do jobs-wise. And cuddle Sunflower too of course. There isn’t much that the world can throw at me that can’t be solved with some cuddles with a purring Sunflower the kitty.

Yenn gets bolshy – or why ‘support’ can be unsupportive for Disabled folks

This afternoon I accompanied an autistic friend to an appointment with a Government service that I won’t name but suffice to say it wasn’t a very edifying experience. My friend needed to re-register for a service. We saw a staff member who I would describe as dismissive, invalidating and disrespectful. I do not get angry very often in day-to-day life, but I was quite angry because of how this man behaved.

My friend said on a number of occasions that they find phone calls triggering but the staff member insisted on booking in a phone call. I said to him that this was an accessibility issue, and he gave me the kind of look reserved for if I have removed a live fish from my pocket! Accessibility apparently was not something we could ask for. The experienced was invalidating and unhelpful and I am not even sure if we achieved what we needed to! We need to go back on Monday, and I must say I am not looking forward to it! The experience today was disempowering and the staff member rude and unpelasant. I suspect if my friend had been a white, non-Disabled man that the experience might have bene different – although maybe not!

Sadly, these kinds of experiences in accessing government services are not uncommon for Disabled folks. The sorts of assumptions levelled at service users are significant. We are assumed to be dishonest and seem to be lumped into a conglomerate group despite the fact that this is an area where it is not ‘one size fits all.’ Requests for changes around access needs often go unnoticed, ignored or outright denied – like our experience today – or officials have very limited understanding of what access needs entail. We are often seen as being difficult for requesting the most basic of changes or supports. There does not seem to be a great deal of empathy going on a lot of the time.

While I was horrified about today it was far from the first time I have experienced such treatment form services which are mean to support popple. I often joke that people who are able to navigate bureaucratic systems should be offered a job in the bureaucracy themselves! Joking aside, I struggle to understand how hard it is to treat people with the most basic of human decency and dignity. I do think it is amusing that this service provider today had no idea he was being disrespectful to the friend of a bestselling autistic author and advocate with a big profile! Although I think when providing services to the public – and Disabled people particularly – people should always act as that that person is as ‘important’ as the Prime Minister. Because they are. We all are. Being disadvantaged, and in particular poor and disempowered, makes no difference to a person’s worth or a reason to treat them any differently than you would someone in high office. We deserve decency and would like for people providing Government services to see things that way.

Of course there are many wonderful bureaucrats. I was one myself up until early last year and many of my colleagues in the 17 years I was in the services were absolutely lovely. But it is a definite problem if people in those positions are not respectful and inclusive and that customer-facing staff need to understand what accessibility is, what issues are faced by Disabled people who access their service and an understanding that we all matter.

I told my frind today that I would write a letter to the appropriate Minister about what happened, and I will do that. I know the response with be drafted by a graduate public servant, but I will do it anyway because I have the right and I want to ensure there is a record of what happened and why it was not OK. I want a world where accessing Government services doesn’t cause trauma and people actually get the support that the services were created to provide.

What you see is what you get – or how and why I don’t mask any more

I just presented at and attended a wonderful conference at the Sunshine Coast – and kudos to organiser Cammy for making such an amazing event!

Once thing I noticed was that people told me I was ‘authentically autistic’ – happy to be myself with no need to seek approval from others. While when I was younger, I tended to mask as a matter of survival but these days that is far from the case. I like and value myself just as I am. I know I probably appear ‘very autistic’ (whatever that means) while others take on a persona which makes them less likely to face criticism and hatred for seeming unusual or ‘weird.’

These days I am unashamedly me. If anyone has an issue, then it is their problem to my mind. I always aim to be kind and respectful and I have no wish to try and convince neurotypical folks that I am one of them! The result of this tends to be that people either love me or hate me – and indeed this has been the case for my entire life. I think I have always been visibly ‘different’ – this made life very hard at school. Let’s face it, it made it hard for me as an adult too! I think that now I embrace my Yenn-ness which makes it a lot harder for unpleasant people to attack me. Attacking a person who is proud and confident in themselves tends to backfire on the attacker in my experience.

I used to mask a lot. I spent four years as a prisoner and when I first went to jail, I realised it was essentially high school in terms of the social dynamics, but the bullies would kill or seriously injure you rather than just saying mean things. I very quickly figured out what was expected of me and made sure I did that! I often say it was like I was an actor playing an Oscar winning role!

Shortly after I took steps to improve my life, I realised that I had no idea whatsoever about who I was. I had spent so long masking and trying to be acceptable in order to survive that I had lost any sense of who I truly was. I didn’t know my character or personality. I decided that I had the opportunity to create a new person, to choose who I wanted to be and work out what I wanted my character to be, so I did that.

However, I still struggled with wanting to appear more like the other humans and not be ‘odd.’ I used to have a very highly calibrated radar for embarrassment and when I did things that others viewed as ‘weird’ I felt really ashamed. It took me seven years to accept that I was autistic and even after that I still struggled and felt there was something ‘wrong’ with me. It took a long time to get to where I am now, but I have ended up in a good place.

Simply put, these days I do not mask at all. I am 100% myself in every social or other situation. I am proud to be who I am and because I like and value myself, I am delighted to be me. The negatives of being an 100% authentic out loud and proud autistic Yennski is that a lot of people treat me badly – treat me like a child, or like I am being deliberately difficult. I often get underestimated. The positives of being authentically myself always far outweigh the negatives though. I had an autistic friend tell me I don’t get burned out because I don’t use up all my energy masking! Given that I am super accomplished people can be very surprised when I tell them about what I get up to in terms of my work.

I like being unashamedly me. I wish we didn’t need to do the masking and acting because things have changed and we live in a world we are respected and accepted as we are. I have no time for ‘fitting in’. I am 51 years old and at this point I reflect that when it comes to being disliked by people I don’t give a crap! The me people see is the true me and if they don’t like that, well their loss!

‘Nobody gets out of here alive!’ – The unexpected positives of thinking about mortality

The title of this post is a quote from 1960s band The Doors’ lead singer Jim Morrison – who proved himself correct shortly after making this statement by dying at the age of 27!

Why is Yennski thinking about death, you might ask? It isn’t a very edifying topic – kinda morbid and sad. But Jim Morrison was absolutely correct, every single one of us has a limited time on this planet.

I have heard of some young people in recent years who basically give up before they start in life, not engaging in study or work or seeking relationships and connections, overwhelmed by the fact that we are all going to die and particularly in relation to concern around climate change. I actually wonder why this is not an approach taken by more people. It is sort of logical in a depressing way.

For me, I am ambitious, motivated and want to change the world as much as I can – which admittedly probably isn’t a lot! So why am I presumably getting negative and morbid?

Well, there are a few things. The first one is that I am now 51. I mean a lot of people are older than that, but my physical and mental health seem to be deteriorating at an alarming rate lately. My grandmother lived to be over 100 and I used to want to follow in her footsteps but now that I am in constant pain from my arthritis and I have less energy and other health things go wrong that maybe being around for another fifty years might no longer be an aspiration! I should confirm I am very happy to stick around and deal with my health issues – please don’t call the crisis team on my behalf! Health issues aside, I am happier at the moment than I have been in a long time – I’m just happy but in pain!

The other thing which has happened has been a greater tolerance of the idea of my own mortality. Those who follow my work may have noticed that I have a pretty strong sense of who I am. I am very present and very grounded – these are probably positive qualities, but they mean I have always struggled with the idea of my own death. Now I think I am maturing and moving beyond that – I no longer avoid the topic and reflect that the point of my being here to make a difference. I feel that my every act should relate to leaving a positive legacy. I realised that I want to leave the world a little better off for my being in it when the time comes for me to say goodbye.

And finally, I have a recent / current thing which is making me consider these issues more closely. It is probably nothing to worry about but last week I got a call back form breast screen after a routine mammogram. I have to go back and have more thorough screening – so either there is something to worry about or not. I guess I will find out at the appointment or shortly afterwards. To use the late great author Terry Practhett’s term, if anything iffy shows up it will be an ‘embuggerance’! I am crossing everything – including Sunflower’s sweet little furry paws – that I am OK, but I honestly don’t know. I am not as freaked out as I was. If something shows up, I will manage it, but it has certainly got my train of thought going down some difficult metaphorical tunnels!

However, amidst all the stress and fear of potential doom I realised something pretty cool – actually a couple of somethings. The first is, thinking about my death possibly happening sooner that I would have expected puts everything else into perspective! Not much point worrying over petty things! Secondly, I thought to myself ‘what do I need to do before I die’ and the answer was nothing. I has done everything I need and want to do. I have turned my life around to go from very desperate drug addict and prisoner who couldn’t hold a job and spent time homeless to being an author, presenter and all round rocker of casbahs. I have an amazing house, my friends are all amazing people who I love, I have a great relationship with my family members after some difficult years, I have meaningful work – including the best job I have ever had (my role as Deputy CEO External Relations at the Disability Leadership Institute). As such I am happy to go whenever my time comes. I have no regrets. I am not sure I know anyone else in a similar situation. I think those two positives probably outweigh any stress and unpleasantness and uncertainty! ….And if my tests come back OK, I will be throwing a party!

Autism, anxiety and how I scare off troubling thoughts

CW: suicide, mentalhealth, Donald Trump

I have always had problematic anxiety. From childhood to now I stress every day, and sometimes all day! I joke that I could worry at an Olympic level. I could worry for Australia! Anxiety tends to be something autistic folks have a lot of experience with – although it is not exclusive to us of course.

Anxiety is physiological function with an evolutionary purpose. If you were metaphorically out on your day as a hunter gatherer millennia ago and a tiger started to chase you then anxiety would be a really healthy response and would help you to run away rather than standing there and saying ‘ooh, nice kitty!’ In that context anxiety would have probably been a short-lived thing which would presumably pass when you got away safely. These days though the stresses we experience often last longer and some are ongoing. The situations which cause the anxiety we have in the contemporary world tend to stick around for longer at which point it can become a problem.

There are different kinds of problematic anxiety: panic disorder, generalised anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, OCD and other things. These are medical diagnoses describing an experience shared by a group. For autistic folks we often struggle to get a correct diagnosis of anything – including our autism or our anxiety issues! Clinicians seem to have difficulty understanding what is going on for autistic people who experience mental health difficulties. For me this meant that I was only given treatment for anxiety disorders when I was 47 and in psychiatric hospital for, I can’t count how many times! I have a ‘complicated’ mental health and neurotypes profile. I have atypical schizophrenia, anxiety, a mood disorder, autism and ADHD. This basically means I have spent a lot of my life in institutions with confusion around my diagnosis – and sometimes misdiagnoses and invalidation by people who were supposed to help me. Sadly, I am not alone in this. Very much not alone!

When I finally got my anxiety addressed it was 2021, I had been so anxious about the internet not working that I attempted suicide. This sounds pretty extreme – and it was but I was so overwhelmed by anxiety and the very valid fear that the anxiety would trigger psychosis as it has on a number of occasions in the past that I made this very drastic choice. The only difference between this and other hospital admissions prior to this one was that I was not psychotic and I was lucid. When I explained what had happened to the hospital psychiatrist he said, ‘we will get on top of that anxiety.’ It was the first time a hospital doctor had ever even said I had problematic anxiety! He prescribed medication and now, four years later, I can say it has made a big difference, and my anxiety is much better. I still experience it a lot but it is not at the level that would trigger psychosis – or attempts on my life!

There is a political influence on my ways to address anxiety and they involve possibly the worst human being in the world, dictator and total evil bastard and one person who there is almost certainly nothing good about, Donald Trump… I was in a residential mental health program a while back. I was talking to my worker about anxiety. He said that when I was aware of thoughts that cause anxiety I could imagine they were someone knocking on my door. I couldn’t help them being there, but I could decide whether or not to let them in. I thought this was a nifty strategy. A couple of weeks later I thought maybe it wasn’t just anyone knocking on my door. Maybe it was Donald Trump and there was NO WAY he would EVER get into my house! So now when I start getting stressed about something I say to myself ‘Trump’s at the door’! It works pretty well for me.

Anxiety is always going to be my constant companion, I think. It doesn’t seem to go away. I get times of reprieve which make me happy, but it is one of those things I have to manage as best I can. I have physical pain issues, and I often say ‘Ooh no, Yennski’s in pain.’ Followed by ‘Yup, that is what happens when you are Yenn’. The experience of physical and emotional pain are part of what makes me who I am. I always say ‘take it where you can get it’ – meaning seize any opportunities for joy, kindness and peace as you find them. I learn every day how to better manage what I get in life and mostly that is pretty good. If I compare 2025 Yenn with 1995 Yenn then life was considerably more frightening and unpleasant for the 1995 version – and they had many more years of difficult times ahead. 2025 Yennski has some issues but they are also a very proud transgender and autistic person, they are super accomplished and have lovely friends and lots of interesting jobs and a house full of art. Also cats. Cats are nice.

Mental health services and autism – or please don’t break the toilet!

Cw: mental health, self-harm

I am autistic and ADHD and have a diagnosis of schizophrenia and anxiety. I have spent over ten years of my life in institutions of one kind of another, and many mental health clinical settings – hospital and residential services.

Whenever I talk about mental health clinicians I have to ensure I am not entirely critical as there are some great clinicians out there but sadly, in my experience, there are a lot of mental health workers who could benefit greatly from more understanding of autism and who have treated me with discrimination and harsh judgement and misdiagnosed me.

I had a misdiagnosis for many years – borderline personality disorder This is a diagnosis which is frequently – and often incorrectly- given to autistic people and especially women and non-binary folks. I had that misdiagnosis in the 1990s which was a time where people who engaged in any kind of self-harm were generally viewed to be ‘attention seeking’. I remember my dad reflecting on this and saying if a person wanted attention, they would probably be an actor or wear bright clothes rather than hurt themselves! The attitudes I faced from mental health workers as an autistic person with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder was pretty grim.

In the 1990s and 2000s autism was not well understood in mental health clinical settings and the level of discrimination faced by me – and presumably many other autistic folks accessing mental health services – was immense. I have an autobiography which talks about all these things including the time I spent in prison which was mostly a justice response to a health problem. There were very few appropriate services out there and those that existed were not geared to making life easier for autistic people!

Many people criticise me for being negative about menta health services. I will say that I have experienced some excellent support particularly in recent years. I now have what I understand to be more appropriate diagnoses – autism, ADHD, schizophrenia / schizoaffective and anxiety. The diagnosis determines the treatment and the treatment I have now is working well. I am still anxious every time I get a new worker of psychiatrist. I take a very strong anti-psychotic medication called clozapine. This means I have to have monthly blood tests and frequent visits to the local mental health clinic. The psychiatrists there tend to only be around for a few months and every time I get a new one it is really stressful as I worry they will misdiagnose me again!

I still think mental health clinicians could benefit form more understanding of autism and neurodivergence. This is an ongoing issue. In this space knowledge = power and autistic people accessing mental health services would benefit from those treating them knowing more. People should feel confident to access mental health support not anxious and frightened they will be discriminated against. I have a book on the topic (I’m Yenn – I have a book on most autism-related topics!!) This one I coauthored with Dr Emma Goodall and Dr Jane Nugent. It covers a range of issues around autism and mental health including accessing services. I would love for mental health clinicians to read our book as I think it would help them to work more effectively with autistic people and deliver services which are inclusive and respectful – and beneficial! I liken poor treatment by mental health workers as being like calling in the plumber to fix a dripping tap and instead of doing this they break your toilet! So mental health clinicians need to metaphorically fix the tap and please don’t break the toilet!

Grief for lost years

I want to talk about grief, but not so much the grief of someone we love passing but more the grief for parts of our life that we consider lost. This came up in a disability discussion group I was part of recently. This was a big topic for many of us in the group, for various reasons.

A lot of autistic and other neurodivergent adults grieve for the time that they were not diagnosed and all the misery and discrimination they faced without their autistic peer group. How they feel that a diagnosis would have made their life that much better, if only an appropriate diagnosis were available in 1982! I have experience this myself. I am a little ashamed to admit this, but I was once – many years ago – at a panel discussion around autism and most of the audience were parents. The parents were complaining – legitimately – that the supports for their kids in school were limited and often hughly unsatisfactory. I remember feeling jealous for those kids as there was NO help when I was a kid due to the lack of a appropriate diagnosis. I went through school as the weird kid that nobody talked to unless they were actively engaged in bullying me! I regret to say for some time I felt jealous of autistic kids in more recent times as at least they had access to some kind of support even if it wasn’t ideal. Thankfully I have moved on from there with my thinking and I am delighted when people get the right support – not jealous – but I do understand the issue and why others might struggle.

Some Disabled people – especially those who have acquired their disability in adulthood and have a memory of life without a disability and miss this and long to go back to a world where they are not Disabled. Likewise, I can understand that, having a few acquired disability conditions myself. I have been taking anti-psychotic medication for over thirty years, and I barely remember a time without it. I do, however, long for a time in my past which will never happen again. An interesting thing about this is that a person can have a sense of pride as a Disabled person but still be in a state of grief for your past.

In 1994 I was twenty years old. I had a male partner who was a criminal and I ended up committing crimes with him and going to jail. This experience stripped away any innocence I might have had. I became homeless and a drug addict. My life changed dramatically, and it took me a long time to get my life back to anything approximating a good place. And I have, and so go me, but it has left me with a profound sense of grief for my lost life and innocence. I focus on the three years between moving out of home and going to prison. I actually still had a pretty unpleasant life before that, but I was broken by the five years of my life lost to addiction and institutions.

People often tell me that my difficult life in my twenties was what made me the person I am now, and that I shouldn’t regret it. That statement would be fine if there weren’t people I victimised and if the experience hadn’t been significantly traumatic for me as well. Yes, I regret those years and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be much of a human. Of course, the experience contributed to who I am now but if I could go back in time and start over, I would never make those poor choices.

So yes, I grieve for my lost years. I think I always will, but I use those experiences to ensure I am now ethical and respectful. I suspect that many people grieve for times in their lives too. It is valid.