Grief for lost years

I want to talk about grief, but not so much the grief of someone we love passing but more the grief for parts of our life that we consider lost. This came up in a disability discussion group I was part of recently. This was a big topic for many of us in the group, for various reasons.

A lot of autistic and other neurodivergent adults grieve for the time that they were not diagnosed and all the misery and discrimination they faced without their autistic peer group. How they feel that a diagnosis would have made their life that much better, if only an appropriate diagnosis were available in 1982! I have experience this myself. I am a little ashamed to admit this, but I was once – many years ago – at a panel discussion around autism and most of the audience were parents. The parents were complaining – legitimately – that the supports for their kids in school were limited and often hughly unsatisfactory. I remember feeling jealous for those kids as there was NO help when I was a kid due to the lack of a appropriate diagnosis. I went through school as the weird kid that nobody talked to unless they were actively engaged in bullying me! I regret to say for some time I felt jealous of autistic kids in more recent times as at least they had access to some kind of support even if it wasn’t ideal. Thankfully I have moved on from there with my thinking and I am delighted when people get the right support – not jealous – but I do understand the issue and why others might struggle.

Some Disabled people – especially those who have acquired their disability in adulthood and have a memory of life without a disability and miss this and long to go back to a world where they are not Disabled. Likewise, I can understand that, having a few acquired disability conditions myself. I have been taking anti-psychotic medication for over thirty years, and I barely remember a time without it. I do, however, long for a time in my past which will never happen again. An interesting thing about this is that a person can have a sense of pride as a Disabled person but still be in a state of grief for your past.

In 1994 I was twenty years old. I had a male partner who was a criminal and I ended up committing crimes with him and going to jail. This experience stripped away any innocence I might have had. I became homeless and a drug addict. My life changed dramatically, and it took me a long time to get my life back to anything approximating a good place. And I have, and so go me, but it has left me with a profound sense of grief for my lost life and innocence. I focus on the three years between moving out of home and going to prison. I actually still had a pretty unpleasant life before that, but I was broken by the five years of my life lost to addiction and institutions.

People often tell me that my difficult life in my twenties was what made me the person I am now, and that I shouldn’t regret it. That statement would be fine if there weren’t people I victimised and if the experience hadn’t been significantly traumatic for me as well. Yes, I regret those years and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be much of a human. Of course, the experience contributed to who I am now but if I could go back in time and start over, I would never make those poor choices.

So yes, I grieve for my lost years. I think I always will, but I use those experiences to ensure I am now ethical and respectful. I suspect that many people grieve for times in their lives too. It is valid.

Who am I? perceptions of self and others

A while back I realised that some people find me intimidating. This seemed very odd and misplaced. In my mind I am not intimidating at all – I see myself as a funny little autistic author person with a difficult past who loves art and cats. I certainly don’t find myself intimidating – and indeed would not really want others finding me so either!

Another area where there is a disconnect between my view of myself and others’ view is around my autism / neurodivergence. I rarely think ‘ooh I am really autistic’ but apparently my presentation is as quite a typical sort of autistic person – if indeed such a thing exists! I am odd, colourful, loud, quirky, passionate, even weird and that is OK but those are not my observations of myself. I am just me.

Another area where my perceptions differ is around my perception of others and their capacity for negativity and aggression. Inside my mind there is no aggression, very rarely any anger and I trust everyone because as I am trustworthy meaning that I assume everyone else is. Unfortunately, they often are not! My approach often means people take advantage of me because I don’t expect them to.

I think these perceptual differences – and especially those between autistic and allistic people are not just confined to me. I suspect a lot of other autistic folks experience similar things. Of course, just as there is a mismatch between my perception of myself and others, this works for everyone else too.

I don’t think the mismatch is necessarily a bad thing, just a thing really. I do think self-protection is important and being aware that just because you are a safe and trustworthy person it doesn’t necessarily mean everyone is. I had a session with my art therapist yesterday and we discussed this topic. She said there is a statement ‘your perception doesn’t equal my reality’ which I think relates here. Empathy involves viewing things with this perception difference in mind and understanding that others come from a different – and valid – standpoint and experience.

I don’t think I will ever be able to see myself as other dos. And I don’t think others will know how I view them either. However, I think it can be helpful to be aware of this issue and to know that our perception of self probably differs from that of others. I am fascinated by this and often wonder how others experience me. I always aim to be a safe person, a kind person and a trustworthy person. I think you can’t go far wrong with that as an approach to life. As I grow older, I start to understand these considerations better. I didn’t even used to be aware of this as a thing but now I do. And if people have feedback to share about how I present the world – unless it is hostile or mean – I am up for that as it helps me to understand myself better and address anything that needs addressing which I am not aware of.

Yennski’s holiday

I just returned from holiday – something I have not done since 2008 – and even that was half-holiday and half book tour! For my entire life – all 51 years of it – I have wanted to see the desert. I have lived in Australia since 1986 so you would think some desert would have featured in my experience! Alas no. I grew up in the country, but it definitely wasn’t desert country! I moved out of home in 1992 and moved to Melbourne and have lived in cities of one kind or another ever since!

I have meant to travel to the outback, but it just never seemed to happen. Earlier this year my parents told me they were planning a holiday to Queensland and Northern Territory and that they would be in Alice Springs. I asked if I could come along for the Alice Springs bit for a few days and so it happened.

Flying up from Adelaide I had a window seat and looked out at massive expanses of desert country. It was truly magnificent! We landed at Alice and the landscape was like something from another planet. My parents met me at the airport, and we went to the hotel. I was so tired due to having got up at 2 am – I always get up really early when I have a morning flight. I worry that my meds will mean I sleep through my alarm, so I get up as soon as I wake up – which is usually around 2-3am! I was so tired that when I checked into the hotel, I was worried I would forget the PIN number for my credit card, and I couldn’t remember my postcode! I basically slept all night and woke up to a new day in the centre of Australia.

We did so many amazing things. The desert was as magical as I had imagined. It felt like home somehow. I found myself overwhelmed by the sense of ancient time and history in the landscape. Australia is home to the oldest continuous cultures in the world. Of course, this is as true in Canberra as much as it is in Alice Springs, but the sense of time and ancient human history – and geological history – seems that much greater in the desert, more immediate. It is hard to describe that sense of ancient time. It was amazing. I felt like I had been there before.

One of my main goals in the desert was to purchase some art. I did a bunch of research on galleries selling artwork by First Nations artists. I had a list of about eight galleries. On Monday we were in the centre of town and there was one of the galleries I had researched so I went in. It was stunning. They had art from a range of regions including sculptural works by the Tjanpi Desert Weavers. I love their work so purchased a sculpture of an echidna made out of yarn and dried grass. I bought a canvas in the traditional style illustrating a women’s Dreaming story as well as a little bowl with purple and blue decoration. I had a great conversation with the gallery owner who works closely with the artists whose work he sells. The gallery owner told me that the canvas I bought was painted by one of the youngest of three generations of women artists. He gave me bios for the artists who created each of my artworks as well as the Dreaming story that was described by the work on canvas.

We visited some wonderful places including Standley’s Chasm and the Alice Springs Desert Park. The Park was fantastic. They had loads of exhibits for animals and birds, including a transgender black cockatoo! The keeper explained that the cockatoo had initially had female plumage which apparently is very distinctive and colourful. They then took on the male plumage and behaviour. So now I want to find out about other transgender animals!! One night we drove a little way out of town and parked and turned off the lights and just looked at the stars. It was just stunning!

So, my holiday lasted four days which is not a long time. I didn’t do any paid work – apart from responding to one email. I had my phone on silent most of the time and I had an absolutely wonderful time. I think I may need to do a holiday every year!

Being with my parents was so nice. I had been a little worried we would irritate each other but I needn’t have worried. They were both delighted at my response to the desert and also delighted to share the experience with me and see my response, When we parted company to catch our respective flights home I did something I had never done before and kissed my mum on the cheek. I surprised myself but it seemed fitting.

I am intentionally not talking about the level of inequality which is highly evident in Alice Springs and other desert towns. I am definitely not unaware of the issues and that is something for a future blog post. This one is more about my experiences and how amazing it was to visit this part of the world. I know – and it was clearly apparent – that there are basically two distinct ways to experience Alice Springs – that of tourists and those employed in the tourist industry and those who are marginalised.

And if you haven’t been to the desert and want to then please go. It is amazing and moving and my short visit was life changing.

One happy, non-stressy Yennski

When I was a child, my dad was friends with a man who was a business consultant of some kind and was a good judge of character. He told my dad that I would ‘get whatever they put their mind to’ in life. This was an interesting observation of a nine-year-old child, but it turned out to be true.

When I was a teen and young adult, I intentionally sought out negative outcomes for myself and guess what? I got negative things as a result! I discovered how easy it was to throw my life down the toilet – and I can attest from experience that it is frighteningly easy to do this! I spent four years as a prisoner between 1994 and 2000, dropped out of uni, had a major drug problem which led to me getting a diagnosis of schizophrenia – which I still need to take pretty brutal medication for now, even thirty years after the first episode of illness! Yep, screwing up my life and jeopardising my future didn’t take alot of work at all! I got what I wanted and what I wanted was not good.

In 2000 I was released from prison and started on a very different path. I decided that I wanted the new millennium to equal a new life so changed my ways. I aspired to be ‘ordinary’ – meaning I wanted an education, a professional job, a mortgage and a suit. And guess what? Within eight years of that goal, I had all those things. impossible? Not when you apply my absurd level of determination and motivation and through doing so proving my dad’s friend right.

Of course, my life was not easy at any point, but things did change in a big way.

Almost twenty years after acquiring my aspiration of a professional job, mortgage, suit and so forth I am actually happy. Not manic or delusional but genuinely happy. Anxiety always used to be my constant companion. It was severe and resulted in a number of episodes of psychosis – the anxiety neurotransmitters in my brain somehow trip off the psychosis chemicals resulting in – in my case anyway – years of misery and a very long time in recovery. A few years ago, I was so anxious it resulted in a suicide attempt! When I was in hospital afterwards talking to the psychiatrist and I said my suicidal behaviour was triggered by the internet not working at my house, he took it pretty seriously and for the first time ever I was properly medicated for anxiety. This turned out to be life changing! No longer did everything stress me out and make me miserable and worried about the anxiety triggering psychosis.

A couple of years ago I experienced ongoing bullying which made me very anxious and miserable. My psychiatrist at the time – a lovely woman called Julie – said how impressed she was with managing my stress and other feelings around the bullying as she had been very concerned the stress around it would result in psychosis. I think overcoming this situation with the bullies was the start of a period in, my life that I called being ‘non-stressy Yenn’. Nothing really worries me at the moment. I don’t; catastrophise about things and I usually have the approach to life that things should work out. It is amazing!

The other day I acknowledged that I was happy to go to sleep because going to sleep is such a nice thing! I appreciate how wonderful things are and face the world with genuine gratitude. How odd! It doesn’t mean there are no challenges in my life – far from it. It just means I respond to things indifferently. I am in almost constant physical pain with my arthritis and there is a whole subculture of bigots who hate me and my work and all I stand for. One of my books even faced bigotry and attempted cancellation the other day. This is not OK on any level but my main issue with it was that the bigots were harming transgender people rather that they were attacking my book.

I love being non-stressy, happy Yennski. I am not sure if this is a permanent state of being or if I will go back to worrying about everything but, as Janis Joplin wisely said, ‘get it while you can!’ I wish everyone some of my non-stressiness 🙂

Coming to terms with my ‘other’ diagnosis

I was talking with a friend the other day. They asked which of my diagnoses of autism and schizophrenia came first. In fact, they both came fairly close to each other – autism was 1994 and schizophrenia was 1995. (ADHD by comparison was in 2019 and anxiety somewhere in the mix – I don’t remember quite when!).

I was in denial about my autism for seven years after I got the diagnosis. Impressive though that is in terms of magnitude of Yennski not getting it, my schizophrenia diagnosis took me a lot longer to accept.

I have taken medication for schizophrenia for over 30 years. These medications are pretty brutal and most have significant side effects. Doctors do not generally prescribe such things lightly, but I still believe for many years that the meds were for something else. Even now I wonder on occasion if I need to take the meds. It is a common experience apparently – thinking ‘I feel well so I can stop with the medication’. The one time I did stop taking the meds I get extremely unwell and spent a month in hospital – something which you might think would demonstrate that I probably do have the diagnoses!! The other reason I am reluctant to take the meds is that I think I don’t have the diagnosis so why would I take the medication for it?

I have had a number of psychotic episodes and psychiatrists and nurses in hospital have told me that what I was experiencing was psychosis but even then, I didn’t really accept the label. I have gradually started to accept schizophrenia over the past few years and only really properly accepted it in recent months. I am not 100 per cent sure why it took me so long to come to terms with my schizophrenia diagnosis. I think popular culture may have had an impact. People with schizophrenia in popular culture are usually irrational, unable to engage in things like work or intimate relationships, are constantly unwell and are either perpetrators or victims of violent crime (usually perpetrators. In fact the term ‘psychotic’ tends to be used – incorrectly – in popular culture to describe a person being violent. There are very few representations of schizophrenia in the media and popular couple that are positive. In my case, because I did not fit the stereotypes it contributed to my belief that the diagnosis was inaccurate.

I didn’t want to have schizophrenia. To my mind there was nothing particularly good about it and a lot of negatives. When I was in hospital, I would see other people who were experiencing psychosis and it scared me, especially when I saw older people. Would this be me as I grow older? I wondered.

I now take a medication called Clozapine. This is an anti-psychotic medication which is only ever prescribed to people with treatment-resistant schizophrenia. Over the years hospital psychiatrists tried to put me on Clozapine, and I always declined. In 2020 when COVID had just become a ‘thing’, I went on Clozapine. It took 17 weeks of monitoring and tests and even now I need to have monthly blood tests and see a Clozapine nurse every month. I describe Clozapine as being a great medication but being a pain in the butt! It has actually been life changing. Things which I thought were correct without any doubt – such as there being ghosts in my house and being unable to do a bunch of things for fear of angering the ghosts – have become non-issues since going on Clozapine and I now recognise that these and other beliefs were due to delusional thinking.

So now after thirty years I have properly embraced my ‘other’ diagnosis. It is not shameful, and I do not need to be some kind of popular culture stereotype. It is part of me like all my other brain things are part of me. I can mostly mange it with medication and therapy. I am now meeting other autistic people with a schizophrenia diagnosis – there is a whole community of us! Schizophrenia is not reason for shame or self-loathing. It is another part of what makes me who I am. Like any chronic health issue it needs some management and understanding. It amazes me that it took me so long to accept my schizophrenia. I am meant to be wise and insightful. I guess I can’t be wise and insightful about everything! Anyway, it is nice to be in a place of acceptance and understanding.

Unwell Yenn drawing from 2019

‘Go my team – not!’ or being someone with no sense of allegiance

I was down the street today to donate some items no longer required at Yennski HQ to the Salvos op shop. It is a nice walk – about twenty minutes through Gungahlin town centre. There are often people out with their dogs – and one person who walks their smoochy Bengal cat on occasion! Today, as soon as I left Yennski HQ I noticed some very loud people. I was concerned for my safety before realising that they were football fans and evidently there was a game today and they felt the need to celebrate! They all wore the same tops and beanies and were definitely together through their shared love of the Canberra Raiders rugby league team. This baffles me. I have never felt an allegiance to a football club or any other sports team. And I do not feel anything in terms of my nationality. If Australia are playing cricket against, for example, India (or anywhere else) I have no wish for them to win and I feel nothing if they lose. I am not in the team, and I do not share any friends, family members or colleagues who are in the Australian team – or the Indian team for that matter! As such it confuses me as to why anyone would care unless they were participating themselves or were close to someone who was.

I am not sure if this is an autism thing or an ADHD one or if it is related to any of my other identities or if it just one fo those quirks of being Yennski! The interesting thing is that I DO have a kind of allegiance to some of the intersectional groups I belong to but not in the football team or national pride sense. I am proud to be AuDHD, I am proud to be Asexual, and I am proud to be non-binary, but their allegiances seem to be different to the groups most people seem to have allegiances for and probably for different reasons.

For example, if the non-binary football team (hypothetically) were playing against the cis gender team I actually wouldn’t care about the outcome either so maybe it is just that I don’t really care about sports! I suspect it is different to that though. My allegiance to my neurotype and my gender and sexuality come from a place of support, empathy and kindness in the face of a shared experiences of bigotry and hate and living in a world which doesn’t always support or respect us. Football teams do not generally face bigotry and discrimination due to which team they play for!

So, my allegiance for my gender identity, sexuality and neurotype are probably more about supporting my peers and addressing hatred. I am not proud to be an Australian – it is largely meaningless to me. Australia is a great country in some ways and a horrible one in others. I don’t think Australia in essence is all that different to a lot of other countries so why would I need to feel proud to be Australian? However, I am proud to be Ace and trans and AuDHD. Maybe the difference is that I feel part of those groups that I belong to and what happens to my peers also impacts me. The concept of being Australian is maybe too broad to mean much in terms of allegiance or belonging. Maybe if I was a member of the Australian cricket team I would have allegiance to that and care if we won?

I hope people don’t think I am awful because I don’t care about sports and because my nationality isn’t something I strongly attach to – or attach to at all! I am being honest and raising these ideas in case anyone else has a similar experience – and to explain that experience from my perspective.

How pain replaced anxiety as my constant companion and why I am happy for the first time ever

CW: Bullies, mental health issues

Since I was a child, I had a companion who walked with me every step of my journey in the world. It was definitely not a friend. Its name was anxiety. It related to so many things – worrying, catastrophising, fear, phobias, the list is endless. I had a reason to be anxious when I was a school student as every bully at every school I attended made a beeline for me. The advice I received from the various adults in my life was unhelpful to say the least. I was told any number of foolish strategies – ‘just stay away from them’ (um, it’s a school yard not a country) ‘boys will be boys’ (seriously WTF??) ‘They like you. It is just their way of showing it’ (seriously even more WTF!!). Nobody made the bullies accountable for their actions – all the focus was on me to do something. Consequently, I lost any self-esteem I might have had at some point and was afraid to go to school. The bullying resulted in post-traumatic stress which impacted my anxiety.

As a young adult there were all manner of new anxiety triggers – paid work and the social element of that, predatory men who seemed to be everywhere I went and as a twenty-year-old going to prison (long story – if you are interested, I have an autobiography which will tell you all about it). When I was 21, I discovered anxiety combined with illicit drug use can cause psychosis. Cue the past thirty years of my life taking medication for schizophrenia and having periodic episodes of psychosis – imagine being in a waking nightmare you have no control over). Unless there is a miraculous cure, I will have that for the rest of my life. And every time I get highly anxious for a period of time it triggers off the schizophrenia chemicals in my brain and I suffer. A lot. For a long time. It is not pleasant.

However, in recently month the companion that is my anxiety has apparently taken a break. It is not with me all the time and when it returns it is less of an issue. There are a number of reasons for this including medication, my confidence growing and getting lovely feedback from my managers and clients in my various jobs about the good work I do. Finally, I am enjoying being Yenn. I am happy some of the time. It is amazing. I didn’t realise happiness was ever going be a quality describing me.

Unfortunately, one unpleasant companion has been replaced with a new one – physical pain. I have always been very able to manage physical pain. I had a six-hour continuous tattooing session a while back. The artist was very impressed at my ability to stay still while she drilled away! I told her ‘It’s just pain.’ But in the past year I have had constant physical pain due to arthritis. I use a cane some of the time and I am in pain whenever I walk, when I get out of bed an often when I am sitting or standing. I am not used to this. It makes walking any distance unpleasant and I avoid doing so. I realise that people who do not experience constant pain have very little understanding of what it is like.

One thing about having a visible disability – a new thing for me – is people’s reactions. My cane usually ensures people stand up for me on public transport. And people are often more pleasant to me than they were in the past. Given I have had invisible disabilities my whole life this is a very strange thing. The pain itself is unpleasant and knowing it will probably we with me forever – along with my schizophrenia – doesn’t fill me with joy. I can’t take a lot of the painkillers because of interactions with my other meds – and if I had to choose between physical pain and psychosis, I would pick physical pain every time! So, I have to manage things. One good thing about constant physical l pain is it is very effective in building my empathy with others in similar situations. And another thing is that other people who use a cane and wheelchair users that I meet in my travels often nod or smile in acknowledgment!

I always joke about my health conditions that when they were handing these things out, I got confused and kept going to the back of the line to collect another one! It certainly feels like that. I am not overly enthusiastic about having a mobility condition and the pain that goes with it, but I actually do really enjoy not being constantly anxious and worrying that my worrying might trigger psychosis and result in me being out of action for a year or more! I suspect the pain is something I will need to manage and learn some more strategies to manage it.

An open letter to JK Rowling – promoting and defending transgender rights

Dear Joanne,

My name is Yenn. I am an autistic and non-binary activist, author, consultant and presenter. I am out loud and proud in all my identities and particularly my trans / non-binary identity.

As an autistic person I tend to have a passionate interest. One of my interests which lasted many years was Harry Potter. I loved it. I loved the world you created, the magic and the idea that someone who was hated and victimised could end up saving the world. I identified with more than one of the characters in the Harry Potter series. I looked forward eagerly as each subsequent book was released. I felt safe and happy when reading the books and seeing the films. They gave me so much comfort and helped my wellbeing and mental health.

However, I discovered some later that you are a bigot and that you hate transgender people. Hiding behind feminism you preached hatred and prejudice. You absolutely broke my heart. Any transphobic person breaks my heart, but, as the creator of a world that I loved and had as an escape from reality, you were that times 1000. I could not have the books or movies in my house anymore because I couldn’t separate them from the hatred against people like me that you put forward. I also didn’t want to contribute any more funds to your bank balance – I imagine me not buying your products probably has little or no effect on your pay, but it was the principle of the thing.

After removing your content from my world, I put you out of my mind, like an ex-friend who causes stress and trauma when you think of them but who is gone from your life.

However, today I saw a social media post saying you will use your significant funds to attack transgender rights. I am not a particularly angry person, but that post made me angry. Transgender people face all manner of hate and discrimination already. We form one of the most hated groups in the world. There is a saying that if you aren’t part of the solution then you are part of the problem. In your case even this does not apply. Not only are you not part of the solution, but you are also actively and very publicly being part of the problem!

I want to tell you a bit about me – a person who presumably you hate simply because I am trans. I was 44 when I came out as non-binary. I am almost 51 now and am very proud of who I am. Coming out was a liberation but it also resulted in some bigotry which made me disappointed, angry and profoundly sad. I do not have an agenda. I do not want ‘convert’ anyone.My gender is not a fad, a fashion, a woke agenda or political correctness. It is not against Christian teachings; it is not a phase (and what does that mean anyway? A job is a ‘phase’ – you won’t have the same one your whole life so why don’t we say jobs ate a ‘phase’ – or relationships for that matter!). My gender does not impact on anyone other than me – and is not really your business. My gender is one important part of who I am. It is not a choice or preference – it is who I am. There are as many genders as there are people and that is actually a really lovely thing.

There is no reason to hate me or my many millions of trans siblings in the world. I don’t really know why you are so filled with hate.

I am always devastated when people in positions of influence come out with transphobia and other bigotry. People look up to you and you have a responsibility to be a positive force for change – not a hater and a bigot. I have a much, much smaller reach than you and I know this. I ensure that everything I publish and say in the public domain is supportive, inclusive and respectful and comes from a place of kindness. Your profile is infinitely bigger than mine. Imagine what good you could do with that huge reach but here you are attacking people like me for whatever reason you might have.

At the moment we are in a time where inclusion and rights for transgender people are in the balance. It could go one way or the other – towards inclusion or towards exclusion. I know which camp I stand in. I want to leave a legacy when I leave this beautiful world that we all share. I wonder what your legacy will be. I hope my legacy will include words like respectful, decent, kind, inclusive, and understanding. What words will your legacy include? If you don’t want ‘bigot’ and ‘hater’ to be on your list, then I suggest you change your approach – and when you do, please apologise to all the transgender folks that you have attacked. All your money could be so much better used for good purposes and not to attack people like me.

And if you don’t want to change, then please just go away. The world has enough hatred in it without influential people propagating it.

And this is a link to my TEDx talk on Autigender identity and inclusion – watch it – you will (hopefully) learn something. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSC1P49jOec

Yours

Yenn

Where did my anxiety go?

Anxiety was my constant companion for my childhood, teens and most of my adult life. I worried about pretty much everything. Some of things warranted anxiety – being evicted from my house in 1995, being imprisoned, experiencing violence and sexual abuse, not having any money. However, a lot of the anxiety I have experienced was related to things that most people wouldn’t be all that concerned by.

In 2008 I purchased a property – which anyone would agree is stressful! However, the stress did not go away. A year or so after I bought my flat there were some significant plumbing issues. The apartment was quite old and it was built as public housing – meaning it was not built well. Plumbing became an ongoing issue the whole time I lived there.

I have schizophrenia. Yup, apparently whoever was handing out health conditions thought I needed a whole load of them! Schizophrenia for me basically involves psychosis and the worst thing to trigger this is a high level of anxiety. High anxiety has resulted in major psychotic episodes on five occasions in my life since 1995. So, for most people calling the plumber would not be all that challenging but it filled me with terror and stress. After I had to replace my shower in 2010 my mental health just got worse and worse resulting in my spending over two years in and out of hospitals and mental health residential services, which was not pleasant. In fact maintenance around my apartment would result in psychosis twice!! In 2019 I get really unwell after being highly anxious around three things – work stress and bullying with two separate people, complications of a kitchen renovation and being put on ADHD meds by a psychist who should have known better than to put a person with schizophrenia on amphetamines.

Because every time I had gone to hospital in over 20 years I was psychotic and depressed, no psychiatrists picked up on my high levels of anxiety and their relationship to my illness. This only happened in 2021 when high anxiety around my internet not working and my being unable to fix it resulted in a suicide attempt. The doctor I saw in hospital asked the trigger and said he never heard of anxiety that strong that it would result in me preferring death over having faulty internet! This doctor said, ‘I will address your anxiety.’ Of course i didn’t believe him for a moment but actually he did effectively address the problem! This doctor prescribed a medication which immediately had the effect of reducing my anxiety.

In 2023-24 I was bullied by my managers in my professional role. At the time I had a lovely psychiatrist called Julie who was very supportive – she even offered to testify in court if I sued the managers for bullying (which I didn’t although I certainly looked into the possibility!). Being bullied and later as a part of this, performance managed, took a huge toll on my mental health, including my stress levels and confidence. Bullying often involves gaslighting and it did in this situation making me think the problem was me not the managers! I ended up quitting the job – yay to that! The level of constant stress I was under for over a year related to my job would have put me right into psychosis in the past but thankfully this time it didn’t. The medication and my own attitudes and strengths meant I avoided that.

In the past thirteen months my anxiety has reduced significantly. In fact I would now say it is no longer my constant companion. It pops in for a metaphorical cup of tea on occasion but mostly it leaves me alone.

I will finish with a strategy one of my mental health workers gave me and which I adapted to suit my needs… The worker said imagine the thoughts causing anxiety as someone knocking on your door. You can’t help them being there but the decision as to whether to let them in is up to you. I thought this was a nifty strategy. But being me, I added to it. I thought it wasn’t just anyone knocking at my door, it was Donald Trump! There is no way in a million years that I would let that pitiful excuse for a human being, bigot and latter-day dictator into my house! Now when I start to get anxious I just think ‘ooh, Trump’s at the door!!’ It really helps  …And in answer to the question, I don’t know where my anxiety went but I am very happy that it has largely departed.

and if you know about spoon theory, Yennski has gold spoons!!

Patience, uncertainty and peace – one year on

I wrote the post below around a year ago and came across it in my travels. I thought it might be nice to reflect on it and what has actually happened in the past twelve months in relation to my career…

I am delighted to report that the second scenario in my previous post appears to have happened – I now have (more than) enough work, have even better savings and am happier than I was in my 17 years in the public service. I hardly ever worry about my future now. I know I could get another job without too much trouble and I am very capable. It took a long time to get to that point, but I am very glad to be there now.

So I guess I did learn patience to some degree. I am in a better place mental health wise than I have been in my entire life and one of the main contributors to that is my being self-employed. When I left the public service in 2024 I was so anxious about not being able to support myself but here I am now not only supporting myself but having a larger income than I did as an APS level 6 officer in the public service and I am happy. Go me!

I would never have expected the outcome I got. My anxiety levels are so much lower than they have been in the past. I love my life at the moment and my career is a key part of this. I spent 49 years being highly anxous all the time about pretty much everyhting. These days I still have problematic anxiety but to a much lesser degree.

Uncertainty, patience and anxiety. (May 2024)

I am not a patient person. Anyone who knows me knows that. I want things done NOW!! Waiting for emails from prospective employers can fill me with immense anxiety and I struggle and have to distract myself by doing something other than thinking about whatever I think needs to happen. It’s funny because while that is the case for some things, for others it is a case that I could happily wait until the end of time. Odd this being human bizzo! (and I am delighted that Word accepts the term ‘bizzo’ and doesn’t think it is a typo!)

I suspect patience is a thing I could learn. Maybe I am learning it? Who knows.

Patience ties in with thoughts of anxiety around uncertainty. As an autistic person – and an ADHD person for that matter – uncertainty is not my friend. It usually goes from being aware that something is uncertain to worrying about the uncertainty to catastrophising about the absolute worst thing that can happen. This process can take a matter of seconds.

People often say I am good at having contingencies and working out my plan for the future. The next paragraph is an example of what others think is me planning well but which I actually know is me catastrophising…

I am a small business now and I have a mortgage
I currently only have one day a week of regular work and the contract for that expires in May 2025
I have enough money coming in from my business at this point but there is a possibility I will not get enough work and need to use my savings to pay the mortgage
My savings will run out, nobody will want my services as a business and nobody will want to employ me
I will run out of money
I will have to sell Yennski HQ
I will have to move in with my parents or a shared house and I will need to give up my kitty
I will be miserable, unable to work, unwell with schizophrenia on an ongoing basis and die unhappy

This process goes through my head a lot more times than it should.

However, a person can look at uncertain situations and think about the potential for either a negative or a positive outcome. So instead of the scenario above I could say:

I have a small business and a mortgage
I am currently earning enough money to support myself
If I need more regular work I am highly employable and some organisation is bound to want my expertise in their company
I should be able to stay at Yennski HQ for as long as I choose and keep my kitty
I will die at a good old age, fulfilled and happy, surrounded by family and friends – and cats – and will leave a wonderful legacy.

I do wonder why my brain so often goes to the first scenario. I think I might be hard wired to worry and catastrophise and see the negatives. I don’t want to and suspect it might be possible to alter that initial response to uncertainty.

For me at the moment it is all about managing uncertainty, altering my focus and approach to things and practicing patience wherever I can. I suspect these are ongoing skills that will hopefully improve over time. I think I need to take a leaf out of Sunflower the kitty’s book – she is very good at waiting for things and is rarely anxious. And despite being a cat I doubt that she ever ‘cat’astrophises!

I do hope I learn how to manage uncertainty better, limit catastrophising and build my ability to wait for things patiently. I guess it is nice to get to work on self-improvement!