What to do when your executive function doesn’t want to function!

I have a wonderful art therapist who is paid through my NDIS funding. I love her to bits and find her sessions really helpful – and sometimes revealing! A while back she gave me an executive functioning assessment. I have known my executive functioning might not be in the same area as others’, but I was not prepared for the test results. My score for executive functioning was three per cent! I know these things can fluctuate depending on the day and how the person being assessed is feeling but really, three percent!!

If you don’t already know about executive functioning it is a key part of how your brain works. Google tells us that:

Executive functioning is the brain’s management system, a set of cognitive skills like working memory, flexible thinking, and self-control, that help you plan, focus, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks to achieve goals and manage daily life. These crucial skills, controlled by the prefrontal cortex, allow for goal-directed behaviour, problem-solving, and adapting to new situations, impacting success in school, work, and social interactions.

Thanks Google!

Neurodivergent folks, and particular ADHDers and autistic people, often have challenges and differences around their executive functioning. It can impact on all sorts of areas of life. For me the area that frequently concerns me is its impact on my employment and capability at work. I was a public servant for 17 years. Most of the time I was a great public servant but every manager I ever had commented on my problematic attention to detail.

I am totally brilliant at some things in the workplace but others I struggle with, often due to executive functioning differences. While most of my managers in the past have appreciated my high level of skills in other areas and overlooked my unreliable memory, occasional missed meetings and typos, others have taken issue with this. I don’t blame them really, but I also understand the reason for the issues is something largely beyond my control.

One thing that executive functioning may respond to is strategies, tools and workarounds. An example is how I keep a flyer above my desk in my home office which lists the things I need to do to overcome issues with my executive functioning and its impact on my work. Things like ‘Check calendar – today, tomorrow, new week’, ‘Read ALL email content’ and ‘When you feel like sending it, review again’. This list helps me to be aware of potential issues and address them. I have a bunch of other strategies, and most of the time I remember meetings, get things done on time and with minimal or no errors. I do better with other elements of executive functioning, mostly because I have learned to. In my earlier years I had huge issues with impulse control and addiction but thankfully these things are not really an issue now. It’s mostly just the work stuff but I recognise that other people can have a number of challenges in this area.

Posing a question or two now:

Is my executive functioning my fault and me being careless or slack?

No absolutely not. Like my ADHD and autism, it is part of me, and I cannot magically fix it. I cannot choose to not have these issues or to overcome them through willpower and positive thinking!

Should people like me even be in the workforce?

Yes! Absolutely. I know that most of my employers these days are very happy to have me on their books. What I lack in organisation and being careful I make up for in creativity, loyalty, empathy and knowledge. I have never been fired from a job for any reason and these days I think I have 11 sources of income so I must be doing something right workwise. This is not just true for me – it also relates to others with similar experiences with executive function at work.

Is this just an issue at work?

Nope. It can have an impact on a load of life experiences – things like relationships with friends, family and partners, in education settings, in independent living and even in leisure activities.

How can this be addressed?

As executive functioning issues are not able to be ‘fixed’ and are not the fault or responsibility of the person experiencing them, then the best strategies may well be building in strategies! A good workaround or strategy can make all the difference here. These will most likely be determined buy the needs of the person who needs them.

Is executive functioning a failing or a reason to feel guilty?

Would you feel guilty about having brown eyes? Of course not. Having different kinds of executive functioning – even being in the bottom third percentile, Yennski! – is just part of what makes people who they are.

We live in world where a degree of executive function is often required but there are ways to address any issues to make navigating life easier. A world that was more accepting and understanding would be the best solution to these issues, I think.

“Stop! Impostor!” understanding and challenging impostor syndrome

Impostor syndrome is something which many people – and particularly Disabled people – experience. You have almost certainly come across the term before. It is defined as “self-doubt over one’s skills and intellect and the inability to internally attribute success”.

People who belong to marginalised groups often experience impostor syndrome. It has significant impacts on areas like employment and leadership roles. The messaging we get from others around our capacity can impact on feelings of impostor syndrome and make it difficult to have confidence around our capability to function. Ableism can contribute to impostor syndrome – both the ableism we receive from others and internalised ableism.

I remember being told once that because I am autistic I would be unable to manage a team. Because I was full of self-doubt and internalised ableism anyway, I took this to heart. Despite the comment being an isolated thing and it being said in 2008, even now I doubt my capability to manage staff and lead a team!

Many autistic and neurodivergent people experience impostor syndrome. Belonging to any marginalised group tends to make this a bigger issue, possibly because marginalised people often lack confidence due to being on the receiving end of criticism, prejudice and discrimination.

Impostor syndrome seems to have no relationship with actual capability. A person can be highly competent but doubt themselves and their ability to do whatever they need to do! I always say that when managers are offered management training the ones that need it will decline and those who don’t will opt to do it! It is impacted by perception – both that of the person experiencing it and those they interact with. I see impostor syndrome as being fed by self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. It can make life very challenging. There is a strong relationship with impostor syndrome and employment but it can also relate to things like accessing education and parenting and family relationships.

I am about to commence my PhD with a full scholarship at the University of Wollongong. Yay to this! However, it is not all joy for me as my impostor syndrome means I doubt my capability to complete my studies. Everyone tells me how competent and skilled I am in the academic world but I struggle to believe that I have anything to offer the world of academia! This is despite the fact that I am already successfully working in a number of academic roles, including marking Masters students’ assignments, serving on a project advisory group, co-directing a research project and creating and running a Masters in Autism subject! None of my colleagues or managers in these roles has said anything critical about my work but I still doubt myself!

I do think it is ironic that I am someone with such significant impostor syndrome, given my various accomplishments. I suppose if it can affect me, it can affect anyone!

I try to address it with logic – although I am acutely aware that anxiety and self-doubt do not generally listen to logic. I guess it is about recognising strengths, challenging negative assumptions and building self-confidence. Being around affirming and supportive people can help – especially if they are at work or wherever you are having issues with impostor syndrome. For me this is an ongoing challenge and one I hope I will be able to manage in time.

Reflection on 2025

I know most people that write Christmas or end of year notes do so to a seklect number of friends ad family – and my social media family is quite a large group of people, but I thought it would be nice to share my reflection as I consider my social media family to be part of my family!

I am currently staying with my lovely Purkis family, you know, the family that I am biologically connected to rather than those who follow me online! I was talking to my parents and saying 2025 had been one of my most eventful years ever! Thankfully that was mostly for positive and edifying reasons than dire ones!

This year has been my first full year out of the Australian Public Service. When I left and went into business in early 2024, I was unsure if I was making horrible mistake! In fact, I was not. In hindsight I am much happier – and wealthier – as a small business and part-time employee than I was as a bureaucrat!

I started one regular / salaried job this year – as a deputy CEO with the Disability Leadership Institute. This was a fantastic job. The DLI – if you have not come across it yet – is a great organisation which promotes and drives leadership for Disabled people. If you identify as a Disabled person who has an interest in leadership I would recommend membership. I absolutely loved working at the DLI but did need to leave that role recently…. More on the reason for that later! I also finished up at my job at Rebus Theatre which was a job that I also really loved.

I have a couple of wonderful NDIS clients who I do peer mentoring with and will hopefully get to keep working with into the future. I love that role and hopefully I am making a difference and empowering people.

I think I gave 28 talks in 2025 – not the most for a year but definitely up there! I am writing two more books with the awesome Tanya Masterman and also working on some kid’s picture books with another friend. These don’t have a contract yet, so fingers crossed for that!

I have been doing a bunch of academic work too. I have a research project that I am codesigning at Latrobe Uni. It is all about autism, entrepreneurship and wellbeing. We are getting right into it now. I also do an advisory group with Latrobe and some work with the University of Wollongong including casual marking and running my autism in adulthood course… which brings me to the most exciting news I have had in a long time. Next year I will be commencing my first year of a PhD at the University of Wollongong. I have been granted a full scholarship so I will be paid to study – tax free! Very large Yennski yay to all of this! I am very excited. My project will be around autism and employment – so look out when it comes time to collect the data as I will be reaching out to people who might want to participant in my research! I am delighted that the University is so confident that my research will be so wonderful that they want to pay me lots of money to do it! It is a big change and a big adventure. Dr Yennski here we come! This is the reason I left the DLI. Sadly there is a limited number of hours that even I can work!

On a more personal level, Yennski HQ continues to make the happy. There is so much art now that I am having to move things around on the walls to make everything fit! Sunflower the cat is – of course – the best cat in recorded history (yup, I’m slightly biased!). She really is a gentle soul and a great support. She loves to ‘help’ when I work and follows me wherever I go. She is in the cat hotel (boarding) for the next week while I am away.

And a recent cool thing is my latest tattoo. It is a rainbow butterfly with a semicolon for a body. There is significance to all that – the butterfly is a symbol of transition, the rainbow colours are for LGBTQIA+ Pride, and the semicolon is my saying ‘I will keep going regardless of how tough things get’. I love it a lot and am now trying to find all my clothes that allow me to display it!

And finally – and something probably missing from most Christmas letters – in some respects this year has been hard. My anxiety has dealt me a lot of blows. I have spent a lot of time worrying and second guessing my decisions. I have been highly anxious and had to seek support. This is my life. I think this will probably always be my life. I know I am accomplished and have a bunch of things others are impressed by but there is a cost. The good thing out of this is that my schizophrenia medication that I am now on is very effective. In the past high levels of anxiety over a prolonged period would always result in psychosis, meaning lots of hospital stays and me putting my life on hold for at least a year to recover. This is not currently part of my life. I now don’t get terrified about my anxiety turning into psychosis which is wonderful. I see anxiety as just an unpleasant experience which will hopefully pass – that’s it. So, all things considered I am probably OK. I have certainly done a lot of learning and growing this year and will no doubt continue to do so.

I have also got to this point where I say, ‘I’m 51 and I don’t give a crap’. What I mean by this is that if someone doesn’t like me or says something rude, I tend to just let it go. It is quite liberating I must say!

Anyway, that is a lot of Yennski! On a non-me note, I hope you have a great Christmas if you celebrate it and a wonderful Thursday if you don’t! The holidays can be stressful and unpleasant there are a lot of expectations floating around that don’t really help anyone. If you don’t want to celebrate don’t! I spent some years not doing traditional Christmas as that was where I was at and now, I am OK with doing it. As with everything, ‘do what works’.

So merry Christmas, happy holidays and happy Festivus to all! Let’s see what 2026 brings in the land of Yennski and Sunflower and also in your respective worlds…

What to do if your working memory doesn’t work!

Working memory forms part of a number of elements of something called executive functioning. Executive functioning relates to all those enabling-type parts of our brain that allow us to manage our lives. Autistic, ADHD and AuDHD folks often have challenges around executive functioning. I am definitely among them!

AI tells me that:
Executive function is a set of mental skills, like a brain’s CEO, that help you plan, organize, manage tasks, control impulses, and adapt to new situations by managing your thoughts, emotions, and actions to reach goals

I think that sums it up succinctly. Thanks AI!

Within the umbrella of executive functioning, is the specific capability of working memory. Working memory enables you to hold information in your mind for a short while and retrieve that information when you want or need to.

Everyone who knows me knows that I struggle with anything practical, and that I forget lots of things and working memory is something I am not all that proficient at! For me this can make life challenging to say the least.

People often note that I forget things, lots of things. If someone tells me their weekend plans, I often forget, despite not wanting to. I have been known to miss meetings and forget tasks. Trying to remember what I did yesterday is often extremely difficult. I rarely remember what I have read in books – including what I have written in my own! I have been working on a research project which is co-designed and I created a massive spreadsheet to capture and code all the data. I then went in and added codes / themes for each research question based on the data we collected through interviews. This morning, I tried to recall some of the themes without referring to the spreadsheet and I struggled to! I finished with this spreadsheet yesterday so one woudl imagine that the information presumably should still be in my brain!

I feel the most impact of these issues relates to my experiences in undertaking employment.

I really struggle with jobs where there are loads of ‘moving parts’ and multiple things I need to get across and remember. Some years ago I had one role which I had to leave because my manager saw my memory recall issues as being a performance issue. Rather than trying to support me with strategies or give me more suitable work she gave me a hard time and initated a performance management process. Even though this was some years ago I still feel something of a trauma response around what became a very stressful situation. I don’t think the main issue was my performance, rather the need for my manager to understand the impact of my executive functioning issues on my work and work with me to address these. Apart from this, my work – and my work ethic and level of loyalty to the employer – was of a high standard. You might imagine that seeing the positives of having some Yenn in your workplace would be a plus at work but sadly not in this instance!

I think some people view executive functioning and working memory issues as poor performance or some kind of intentional behaviour or being ‘slack’ – as if the person is being deliberately incompetent or careless. For me – and presumably others – this is far from the case. I am defined by work. Work is tied in with my identity and my sense of pride in who I am. The idea of underperformance horrifies me and contributes to the kind of high anxiety that actually makes my performance dip!

I think the idea of the spiky profile of autism applies here. I am so good at some things that others find it hard to comprehend and I also find other things that others take for granted immensely challenging.

Employing autistic folks, to my mind, is not about ‘fixing’ them or approaching management through the lens of ‘one size fits all’, infantilism, tokensim, viewing them as ‘inspiring’ or as superheros or savants. When people do have spiky profiles in the workplace the key is to understand what this means for the individual and support them to undertake their work well and providing support and encouragement.

My working memory issues might make me seem incompetent to some people. I have created a series of structures and strategies to address working memory issues and address them as much as I can. Things like tracking spreadsheets, traffic lights on tasks, Outlook calendar invites and email flags and categories all help me to avoid missing something. I still miss the occasional meeting but most of the time I do quite well with my task tracking and other strategies. Like many executive functioning issues, I cannot ‘fix’ it but I can put in place some helpful workarounds to make any impact less.

People don’t often understand how someone with a master’s degree and 18 published books can be apparently so dreadful at remembering things and being practical. I suspect it is one of those brain wring things so not something to be fixed but more to be understood. When I had that manager who performance managed me, she always seemed disappointed in me for not improving even though I was doing my utmost to improve my performance. I will contrast this manager to one of my closest friends. This friend knows I am not practical and can’t hold things in my brain for very long. This friend does not try and change me. Instead, she supports me with the things I find hard and encourages me to build more practical approaches where I can.

Given these two examples I know who I think is doing the best job around supporting me with my working memory issues and it isn’t my former manager!

Executive functioning issues can’t be ‘fixed’, but they can be supported through others understanding and not just viewing the deficits and challenges but also the positives a person has to offer. Providing understanding and assistance is far preferable to apportioning blame and judgement. I would like to think that regardless of memory difficulties employers can see beyond that to my strengths – and the strengths of others with similar experiences.

Yenn at work at the Australian Public Service (2015)

Being aware of ‘me’ messaging – or why it probably isn’t about Yenn

I had an epiphany yesterday – albeit an epiphany prompted by a friend. I have known this particular friend for a very long time. I respect and look up to her. She is one of my favourite people in the world. Every so often I make a comment, and my friend will say ‘it’s not all about Yenn!’ In the past I just thought it was about my autism rand not being something I could be aware of and address.

I actually am quite self-focussed. I like me. I am proud of me, and I tend to think I offer a lot to the world. I also have impostor syndrome and rejection sensitivity and have experienced a lot of trauma and invalidation – meaning the inside of my brain can be an interesting place at times! My positive views of me have been a protective factor in a world that has not always been kind or respectful of me and what I bring to the world. I suspect my self-focus possibly serves a purpose around protecting me from hatred. I like and value myself and this makes it harder for bigotry and bullying to ‘stick’. However, it is also presumably annoying for others, especially now that I am what I term a ridiculous overachiever! So today I recognised that my being so self-focussed might be a thing I can change.

I struggle with self-awareness in communication. I struggle to be aware of what I am saying and how others perceive my conversation. I usually address this through being extra nice and kind – then if people think I am being inappropriate or irritating they won’t mind so much! I find the idea of looking in on myself and being aware of what I am saying quite tricky at times, so when faced with the statement ‘it’s not all about you Yenn’ I have struggled to know which thing I was saying that prompted this response! I forget what I say a lot of the time, often immediately after saying it! This can certainly be tricky in terms of communicating with others.

As I mentioned, today I had an epiphany – prompted by the statement ‘It’s not all about Yenn’. I hadn’t realised before how much I approach the world in a Yenn-focussed way! Looking at my social media, almost everything is about my personal experience rather than advocacy-type things – although given I belong to intersectional groups, advocacy probably happens through my personal experience. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing, but I hadn’t realised before today. I looked at my Yemes in Canva – which total around 2000 images – and it took several scrolls through to identify any which didn’t start with ‘I’ or ‘My’! Taking this on board I am going to try to be less ‘it’s all about Yenn’. Other advocates don’t seem to do this. They talk mostly about issues and activism, not what they are wearing or the fact their cat caught a fly!

I think there is a place for my very personal Yenn brand, but I also think it might be nice to shift the focus from me to other topics a bit more in my work as well.

It is an odd place to arrive at after fifty-one years. I don’t think my self-focus is because I think I am better than others or my life is more interesting. It is just how I am. I have used my Yenn brand to overcome a lot of challenges but maybe now it is time to let some of the Yenn things alone and focus more on changing the world in whatever way I can. This is particularly true in the current world political situation. I am an autistic and transgender person so there is plenty I can do – and need to do – to work towards addressing the bigotry and hatred which is out there. I mean I have been doing this for a while but through the lens of brand Yennski.

I have certainly been having a good number of epiphanies lately! I’m interested to see how this realisation impacts my work and how I interact with others into the future.

Thinking about intersectionality, disadvantage and privilege

A few years ago, I published a blog post and one of the responses was that I understood intersectionality where many other commentators did not. Kudos to me! (Although I had to Google intersectionality at that point to find out what I was apparently good at!) These days lots of commentators talk about intersectionality. It is a useful concept, especially in my line of work – Queer and neurodiversity advocacy!

Intersectionality is a concept which was identified by academic and civil rights activist Kimberle Crenshaw. Initially it was used to describe the compounded disadvantage experienced by women who were People of Colour. This was back in the late 1980s. Since then, the concept has been widened to include people from a number of other marginalised groups, including people with disability and neurodivergent people.

The concept of intersectionality is basically that if you belong to more than one marginalised group then this compounds the disadvantage your experience. There is a wonderful visual example of this. A while back a video did the rounds of social media illustrating the concept of intersectionality. There was a line of people who were about to have a running race. White people were told to take two steps forward, then cis gender men, then heterosexual people, then non-disabled people and so forth. Who do you reckon won the race? Probably not the fastest runner but the person who is least marginalised / belongs to the largest number of privileged groups!

Intersectionality is not an individual concept. It is a sociological one. This means that someone who has a bunch of privilege might actually have a crappy life and vice versa. For example. I belong to a bunch of marginalised groups but most of the time being me is pretty good! Intersectionality is about society and the structural barriers marginalised people face.

An important concept in this space is privilege. In this context, privilege refers to not belonging to marginalised groups. You can have areas of privilege and areas of disadvantage at the same time. For example, I am white and middle class (privileged groups), but I am also Autistic and Queer (marginalised groups).

Being privileged is not ‘bad’ – you can’t really help it, and it isn’t a choice! However, being privileged can impact your level of understanding of the challenges faced by others. It is important to be aware of your privilege and not come from a viewpoint of lacking understanding that you are privileged. The statement ‘check your privilege’ relates here. An example was a friend of mine who worked in a public service department. My friend is a woman from a refugee background and has a pretty good bead on intersectionality. Her boss – a white, cis gender, heterosexual, non-Disabled man – was putting together a conference. He showed my friend his proposed speaker list. She looked at it and said ‘you have no People of Colour, no First Nations people, no women…’ Her manager was genuinely amazed and said, ‘where did you get such incredible insight?’ He was not being deliberately discriminatory, but he had no idea of his level of privilege and that a conference would benefit from a more diverse range of speakers – or maybe that there even WERE speakers from diverse backgrounds!

People who are privileged often have no concept of their privilege. I imagine this is because it is not something they often need to reflect on – most likely nobody is telling them! For me as a transgender and autistic person I get a lot of reminders that I am different, but I don’t think it goes the other way so much.

Another area within the intersectionality space is about the difference between who blames who when there are issues. Generally – but not always – people from marginalised groups will fight the power so to speak. This is because they are marginalised, and wider society has either casued or compounded this and put barriers in their way. Privileged people – also generally but not always – are not able to fight the power because they are not oppressed by structures in society. Sadly, this can mean the turn on marginalised people. I always think ‘punch up not down’ in this situation – thanks to comedian the awesome Hannah Gadsby for reminding me of this metaphor!

Intersectionality is an important lens through which to view society – not just for those from marginalised groups but for everyone. It helps to understand diversity and inclusion and to be able to understand and support others and address societal barriers and discrimination. It is also a great support for those seeking to make a difference – such as activists and advocates.

Yenn’s rainbow boots!

Medication and performance – or where did my work mojo go?

I take a medication called Clozapine. As medications go it is a case of ‘this is serious mum – REALLY serious!’. Three of the potential side effects are life threatening and so I have to have regular blood tests, ECGs and Echocardiograms to be able to keep taking the meds. When I started on the medication in 2020 it needed to be done in hospital as an impatient and took over three months to titrate up to an effective dose. Clozapine is the medication of choice for treatment resistant schizophrenia. It is a wonderful medication, and I have not been unwell since I went on it.

However, clozapine is a pharmaceutical friend which comes with some major strings attached. One of these is it effect on my brain, and particularly the ability for my brain to remember things and manage lots of things at the same time.

In 2007 I joined the public service. I am intelligent and the work was engaging. I never had any worries around performance. Quite the opposite in fact. One of my managers told me I would be able to do any job in the department if I put my mind to it. Flash forward to 2023 and I was unable to do even a mid-level role in the public service. I struggled to do what was expected of me. Unfortunately, at the time I didn’t have very understanding managers so life at work was very unpleasant and I quit.

Up until recently I thought the issue in my public service role was solely my managers but looking back I realise that my performance actually was pretty patchy. I didn’t understand this at the time as I had no real insight into my work. I has never been an underperformer in the past so why I should I be now?

The realisation about the impact of my meds on my work only really sank in this week after I had to quit a job that I absolutely loved, mostly because I couldn’t keep up with the conflicting priorities and need to know who lots of people are and what they do. When I first realised this, I went into a bit of a panic as I thought maybe I won’t be able to work anywhere again.

Actually, I don’t think that is true. The three jobs I have left because of this issue have all been roles where there were loads of small elements which needed tracking and prioritising. When I have work which I can do one thing at a time, I seem to be OK. So my academic work is not too challenging, and my support worker work is also OK. It is a bit of a rude shock though, the idea that maybe the issue will worsen, and I won’t be able to work at all. I am defined by my work. My work is what makes me who I am. I love to work, so much so that I have to force myself take weekends!

I guess it is a sobering kind of thing. I am someone with schizophrenia with a large profile and a CV that would rival most senior managers. I am considered brilliant and competent. Authors frequently get their publishers to ask me to provide an endorsement for their books. I am a brand. I am sought after all over the world and strangers regularly come up to me and say how wonderful my work is. I have always had a sort of dystopian Yennski career nightmare. It involves me being old, chronically unwell and in psychiatric hospital and saying to the nurses that I used to write books and them not believing me at all and saying, ‘that’s nice sweetie.’ Being unable to work is probably the closest fear I have to my fear of death – which is significant! I mean imagine a world without Yennski Horrible!!

My various disability conditions haven’t posed much of a threat to my employability for many years and having them do so now does not fill me with joy I must say! But I guess it helps to view myself as vulnerable and for there to be the possibility of limitations on what I do now and into the future. It also helps me to appreciate how well I have done thus far. A lot of other people with schizophrenia can’t work at all or spend lots of their lives unable to be part to the workforce. I used to be one of them, then I wasn’t and maybe possibly I will again in the future, I don’t know – and uncertainty is not my friend.

I am not quite sure how I should approach this. I tend to be pretty competitive in my attitudes around being me so maybe I should turn this into a competition – see how long I can continue working for, how many suitable roles I can find, whether I can actually improve matters, maybe how philosophical and accepting I can be about the whole situation!

I don’t have any solution to this at all. No nifty little Yennski pearl of wisdom, no free, unsolicited advice! I guess just embrace the uncertainty and aim to be the best Yenn I can be regardless of what I can or can’t do jobs-wise. And cuddle Sunflower too of course. There isn’t much that the world can throw at me that can’t be solved with some cuddles with a purring Sunflower the kitty.

‘Nobody gets out of here alive!’ – The unexpected positives of thinking about mortality

The title of this post is a quote from 1960s band The Doors’ lead singer Jim Morrison – who proved himself correct shortly after making this statement by dying at the age of 27!

Why is Yennski thinking about death, you might ask? It isn’t a very edifying topic – kinda morbid and sad. But Jim Morrison was absolutely correct, every single one of us has a limited time on this planet.

I have heard of some young people in recent years who basically give up before they start in life, not engaging in study or work or seeking relationships and connections, overwhelmed by the fact that we are all going to die and particularly in relation to concern around climate change. I actually wonder why this is not an approach taken by more people. It is sort of logical in a depressing way.

For me, I am ambitious, motivated and want to change the world as much as I can – which admittedly probably isn’t a lot! So why am I presumably getting negative and morbid?

Well, there are a few things. The first one is that I am now 51. I mean a lot of people are older than that, but my physical and mental health seem to be deteriorating at an alarming rate lately. My grandmother lived to be over 100 and I used to want to follow in her footsteps but now that I am in constant pain from my arthritis and I have less energy and other health things go wrong that maybe being around for another fifty years might no longer be an aspiration! I should confirm I am very happy to stick around and deal with my health issues – please don’t call the crisis team on my behalf! Health issues aside, I am happier at the moment than I have been in a long time – I’m just happy but in pain!

The other thing which has happened has been a greater tolerance of the idea of my own mortality. Those who follow my work may have noticed that I have a pretty strong sense of who I am. I am very present and very grounded – these are probably positive qualities, but they mean I have always struggled with the idea of my own death. Now I think I am maturing and moving beyond that – I no longer avoid the topic and reflect that the point of my being here to make a difference. I feel that my every act should relate to leaving a positive legacy. I realised that I want to leave the world a little better off for my being in it when the time comes for me to say goodbye.

And finally, I have a recent / current thing which is making me consider these issues more closely. It is probably nothing to worry about but last week I got a call back form breast screen after a routine mammogram. I have to go back and have more thorough screening – so either there is something to worry about or not. I guess I will find out at the appointment or shortly afterwards. To use the late great author Terry Practhett’s term, if anything iffy shows up it will be an ‘embuggerance’! I am crossing everything – including Sunflower’s sweet little furry paws – that I am OK, but I honestly don’t know. I am not as freaked out as I was. If something shows up, I will manage it, but it has certainly got my train of thought going down some difficult metaphorical tunnels!

However, amidst all the stress and fear of potential doom I realised something pretty cool – actually a couple of somethings. The first is, thinking about my death possibly happening sooner that I would have expected puts everything else into perspective! Not much point worrying over petty things! Secondly, I thought to myself ‘what do I need to do before I die’ and the answer was nothing. I has done everything I need and want to do. I have turned my life around to go from very desperate drug addict and prisoner who couldn’t hold a job and spent time homeless to being an author, presenter and all round rocker of casbahs. I have an amazing house, my friends are all amazing people who I love, I have a great relationship with my family members after some difficult years, I have meaningful work – including the best job I have ever had (my role as Deputy CEO External Relations at the Disability Leadership Institute). As such I am happy to go whenever my time comes. I have no regrets. I am not sure I know anyone else in a similar situation. I think those two positives probably outweigh any stress and unpleasantness and uncertainty! ….And if my tests come back OK, I will be throwing a party!

Yennski’s holiday

I just returned from holiday – something I have not done since 2008 – and even that was half-holiday and half book tour! For my entire life – all 51 years of it – I have wanted to see the desert. I have lived in Australia since 1986 so you would think some desert would have featured in my experience! Alas no. I grew up in the country, but it definitely wasn’t desert country! I moved out of home in 1992 and moved to Melbourne and have lived in cities of one kind or another ever since!

I have meant to travel to the outback, but it just never seemed to happen. Earlier this year my parents told me they were planning a holiday to Queensland and Northern Territory and that they would be in Alice Springs. I asked if I could come along for the Alice Springs bit for a few days and so it happened.

Flying up from Adelaide I had a window seat and looked out at massive expanses of desert country. It was truly magnificent! We landed at Alice and the landscape was like something from another planet. My parents met me at the airport, and we went to the hotel. I was so tired due to having got up at 2 am – I always get up really early when I have a morning flight. I worry that my meds will mean I sleep through my alarm, so I get up as soon as I wake up – which is usually around 2-3am! I was so tired that when I checked into the hotel, I was worried I would forget the PIN number for my credit card, and I couldn’t remember my postcode! I basically slept all night and woke up to a new day in the centre of Australia.

We did so many amazing things. The desert was as magical as I had imagined. It felt like home somehow. I found myself overwhelmed by the sense of ancient time and history in the landscape. Australia is home to the oldest continuous cultures in the world. Of course, this is as true in Canberra as much as it is in Alice Springs, but the sense of time and ancient human history – and geological history – seems that much greater in the desert, more immediate. It is hard to describe that sense of ancient time. It was amazing. I felt like I had been there before.

One of my main goals in the desert was to purchase some art. I did a bunch of research on galleries selling artwork by First Nations artists. I had a list of about eight galleries. On Monday we were in the centre of town and there was one of the galleries I had researched so I went in. It was stunning. They had art from a range of regions including sculptural works by the Tjanpi Desert Weavers. I love their work so purchased a sculpture of an echidna made out of yarn and dried grass. I bought a canvas in the traditional style illustrating a women’s Dreaming story as well as a little bowl with purple and blue decoration. I had a great conversation with the gallery owner who works closely with the artists whose work he sells. The gallery owner told me that the canvas I bought was painted by one of the youngest of three generations of women artists. He gave me bios for the artists who created each of my artworks as well as the Dreaming story that was described by the work on canvas.

We visited some wonderful places including Standley’s Chasm and the Alice Springs Desert Park. The Park was fantastic. They had loads of exhibits for animals and birds, including a transgender black cockatoo! The keeper explained that the cockatoo had initially had female plumage which apparently is very distinctive and colourful. They then took on the male plumage and behaviour. So now I want to find out about other transgender animals!! One night we drove a little way out of town and parked and turned off the lights and just looked at the stars. It was just stunning!

So, my holiday lasted four days which is not a long time. I didn’t do any paid work – apart from responding to one email. I had my phone on silent most of the time and I had an absolutely wonderful time. I think I may need to do a holiday every year!

Being with my parents was so nice. I had been a little worried we would irritate each other but I needn’t have worried. They were both delighted at my response to the desert and also delighted to share the experience with me and see my response, When we parted company to catch our respective flights home I did something I had never done before and kissed my mum on the cheek. I surprised myself but it seemed fitting.

I am intentionally not talking about the level of inequality which is highly evident in Alice Springs and other desert towns. I am definitely not unaware of the issues and that is something for a future blog post. This one is more about my experiences and how amazing it was to visit this part of the world. I know – and it was clearly apparent – that there are basically two distinct ways to experience Alice Springs – that of tourists and those employed in the tourist industry and those who are marginalised.

And if you haven’t been to the desert and want to then please go. It is amazing and moving and my short visit was life changing.

One happy, non-stressy Yennski

When I was a child, my dad was friends with a man who was a business consultant of some kind and was a good judge of character. He told my dad that I would ‘get whatever they put their mind to’ in life. This was an interesting observation of a nine-year-old child, but it turned out to be true.

When I was a teen and young adult, I intentionally sought out negative outcomes for myself and guess what? I got negative things as a result! I discovered how easy it was to throw my life down the toilet – and I can attest from experience that it is frighteningly easy to do this! I spent four years as a prisoner between 1994 and 2000, dropped out of uni, had a major drug problem which led to me getting a diagnosis of schizophrenia – which I still need to take pretty brutal medication for now, even thirty years after the first episode of illness! Yep, screwing up my life and jeopardising my future didn’t take alot of work at all! I got what I wanted and what I wanted was not good.

In 2000 I was released from prison and started on a very different path. I decided that I wanted the new millennium to equal a new life so changed my ways. I aspired to be ‘ordinary’ – meaning I wanted an education, a professional job, a mortgage and a suit. And guess what? Within eight years of that goal, I had all those things. impossible? Not when you apply my absurd level of determination and motivation and through doing so proving my dad’s friend right.

Of course, my life was not easy at any point, but things did change in a big way.

Almost twenty years after acquiring my aspiration of a professional job, mortgage, suit and so forth I am actually happy. Not manic or delusional but genuinely happy. Anxiety always used to be my constant companion. It was severe and resulted in a number of episodes of psychosis – the anxiety neurotransmitters in my brain somehow trip off the psychosis chemicals resulting in – in my case anyway – years of misery and a very long time in recovery. A few years ago, I was so anxious it resulted in a suicide attempt! When I was in hospital afterwards talking to the psychiatrist and I said my suicidal behaviour was triggered by the internet not working at my house, he took it pretty seriously and for the first time ever I was properly medicated for anxiety. This turned out to be life changing! No longer did everything stress me out and make me miserable and worried about the anxiety triggering psychosis.

A couple of years ago I experienced ongoing bullying which made me very anxious and miserable. My psychiatrist at the time – a lovely woman called Julie – said how impressed she was with managing my stress and other feelings around the bullying as she had been very concerned the stress around it would result in psychosis. I think overcoming this situation with the bullies was the start of a period in, my life that I called being ‘non-stressy Yenn’. Nothing really worries me at the moment. I don’t; catastrophise about things and I usually have the approach to life that things should work out. It is amazing!

The other day I acknowledged that I was happy to go to sleep because going to sleep is such a nice thing! I appreciate how wonderful things are and face the world with genuine gratitude. How odd! It doesn’t mean there are no challenges in my life – far from it. It just means I respond to things indifferently. I am in almost constant physical pain with my arthritis and there is a whole subculture of bigots who hate me and my work and all I stand for. One of my books even faced bigotry and attempted cancellation the other day. This is not OK on any level but my main issue with it was that the bigots were harming transgender people rather that they were attacking my book.

I love being non-stressy, happy Yennski. I am not sure if this is a permanent state of being or if I will go back to worrying about everything but, as Janis Joplin wisely said, ‘get it while you can!’ I wish everyone some of my non-stressiness 🙂