A good friend and advocate friend of mine recently received an award. This was most excellent news and it is much deserved as she does incredible work in the community. I was very happy that she received the award, however my impostor syndrome went into overdrive! I thought that I would never get an award, that the organisation what hosted the ceremony must hate me as they didn’t invite me to the event and that this meant that ALL autism organisations must hate me because nothing I do is of worth or value. Also my followers would probably all desert me and nobody would ever want to read my books ever again! Wow, all that from one friend winning a well-deserved award! Impostor syndrome is not a new thing for me. I have experienced it for many years. I think it comes from a mix of feeling devalued and being anxious that I am not good enough.
A quick Google search defines impostor syndrome as “the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.” It is a challenging thing to deal with and leaves you doubting your capability and even your value as a human being. It tends to happen despite any accomplishments you may have. In my case this mismatch between my self knowledge and what I actually do is particularly marked. I have written nine published books, given hundreds of presentations including one for TEDx and many major conferences. I have sixteen awards and finalist certificates, dozens of media appearances and a very large following on social media. Impostor syndrome would not seem very logical given all my accomplishments but I always say anxiety doesn’t listen to logic and I think impostor syndrome is a kind of anxiety.
Looking more broadly, I think there is a big intersectionality consideration around impostor syndrome. White cis gender heterosexual abled men do not seem to suffer from it in the same way others do – although I accept there may be exceptions to that. However, it does seem to be largely an intersectional issue. I think that this is because members of equity or intersectional groups receive constant messaging from society that we are somehow wrong. We get invalidated, stigmatised, bullied and gaslighted a lot which often compounds our experience of imposter syndrome. A person who is confident in themselves, who likes and values themselves and is not subject to discrimination is probably less likely to experience impostor syndrome than a person whom has spent their life being discriminated against, belittled and invalidated.
Autistic people are definitely prone to impostor syndrome. We are so frequently given messaging that we are not OK, that we are somehow broken and in need of fixing. Autistic people can find ourselves doubting who we are and minimising our skills and achievements. Autistic people often belong to additional intersectional groups so can get a double – or triple – whammy of the kind of thinking which fosters impostor syndrome. There are also gendered considerations with this. Traditionally women and girls are ‘supposed’ to not put themselves forward and to downplay their achievements. This can contribute significantly to impostor syndrome. I was told as a child to not be ‘proud’ and any confidence I displayed tended to be treated as a negative quality. Impostor syndrome can impact on your life in a big way. Imagine going for a job and not thinking you have any relevant skills? This happens, and it happens a lot for autistic people. It’s hard enough to get a job for autistic people without a bunch of impostor syndrome and self-doubt being thrown into the mix! It can colour our whole experience of life and our sense of who we are.
There is a cousin of impostor syndrome which is called status anxiety. A quick Google (Google is clearly doing well out of me today!!) defines it as “the constant tension or fear of being perceived as “unsuccessful” by society in materialistic terms”. This is the result largely of living in a world that has what are essentially some pretty odd notions of success. People talking about ‘real’ jobs and valuing people based on their income or career is really harmful. So many autistic people are unemployed, underemployed or employed in unsuitable jobs that status anxiety can be a real problem for us.
Essentially what I want to say about all of this is that success is subjective, your job does not define your worth and that you are enough just as you are. Now all I need is to apply that to myself and we will all be happy!
Yenn Purkis Autism Page 