CW: mental illness 

I am 48 years old. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1995 and have spent ten years of my life – over 20% or my time on this planet – in institutions of one sort or another. I have taken heavy duty medication for over 25 years. While I see my autism and ADHD as important parts of what makes me Yenn and I sometimes view them as friends, schizophrenia – for me at least – is often viewed as my worst enemy. I sometimes imagine my illness as being like someone who hates me and wants to see me suffer and fail. I would not wish my illness on anyone and if there was a cure for it I would take it and then take it again, just in case it didn’t work the first time!

I have learned to live with my illness – for much of the time. How it manifests for me is that I have episodes of mood issues and psychosis, usually treated with hospital stays and changing medication. It takes a lot out of me and is utterly terrifying. I see psychosis as being like a waking nightmare. I am inhabiting a different universe to others and everything is dark and scary. Ghosts and beliefs I am dead and in purgatory are my constant companion. The worst thing about having a level of insight is that I know something is wrong but I can’t work out how to fix it. I feel myself looking down on myself and saying ‘stop this! Just stop this!’ But I can’t use my willpower to make the illness go away.

One of the worst things about schizophrenia is the stigma and attitudes of others. Even the kinder people seem to have prejudicial attitudes around the illness. Apparently I shouldn’t be doing any of the things I do because I have schizophrenia. I work in a professional role in government administration, I write books and give talks and I own property. Many people think that those with schizophrenia can’t do those kinds of things. We also aren’t ‘meant’ to be in relationships or have kids! The stigma and attitudes in this space often hold people back from achieving things they would like to achieve. Even I thought this. I moved to Canberra in 2007 to take up a public service role. I assumed I must be cured of my schizophrenia because – to my mind at the time – people with schizophrenia weren’t public servants! I didn’t see a psychiatrist in my new home in Canberra and instead saw a GP to prescribe my anti-psychotic medication. I continued to think I did not have schizophrenia up until 2010 when I became very unwell with psychosis and spent the next three years trying to manage severe illness.

I didn’t accept my schizophrenia in any real way until about 2021, having had the same diagnosis since 1995 and finally thinking maybe all those psychiatrists saying the same thing might be correct! It is not a diagnosis I have really embraced until very recently. Now I keep meeting other people with schizophrenia – including some autistic ones – and it is a libration. The illness is a huge challenge for me but being in touch with others with similar experiences is fantastic. 

And just a couple of concluding points… schizophrenia is NOT a ‘split personality’, psychosis does NOT mean violence and people with schizophrenia are in all areas of life, they just might not tell you about it due to fear of stigma. I am proud of myself for managing challenges and doing the best I can to change the world as much as I can in the mental health space as well as the autism / Neurodiversity one. While my schizophrenia poses a number of very difficult challenges, I have learned a lot through managing it and I feel like it has increased my empathy and emotional intelligence. I hope I remain free from psychosis for as long as I possibly can.  

CW: death of pets

Sadly this weekend I had to farewell a member of my household – the beautiful kitty Major Tom. I only had him for just over seven weeks but he made a big impression and was much loved. Major Tom was FIV positive (the cat version of AIDS) and had a range of other health issues. He was somewhere between 8 and 10 years old and was a stray when he was rescued – firstly by Canberra Street Cat Alliance and then by me. 

Why on earth would I have adopted a cat with so many issues? Well if you met him you would understand. He was a prince among felines and an absolute  gentleman. He was never aggressive with me or to my knowledge with anyone else. He loved affection and cuddles. I had such a lovely time smooching with him and giving him pats and love. 

A Yenn does better with a cat and Major Tom was a most excellent cat but he was very sick. When I adopted him he had an infection which was treated but he did not recover. Yesterday morning I took him to the vet for the last time. I had realised he was probably going to be saying goodbye so I gave him all the creamy treats I had in the cupboard as those were his favourite – and by that time were the only thing he would eat. I had a beautiful cuddle with him before he went to the vet which lasted for over half an hour and he just purred and purred. It was like he knew we were going to be parted and he wouldn’t see his favourite human again.

The vet was lovely.  When we said goodbye I was holding Major Tom and telling him how much I loved him. He just slipped quietly away. One minute I was holding my cat and the next he was gone. Even though I only knew him for seven weeks, I really miss him. Having such a sick cat did not do good things for my anxiety and mental health but I never regretted having him. I saved him from a scary life. While I only knew him briefly it was an absolute pleasure to be his human. I hope he is in a good place wherever he is now and I am glad he is at peace and no longer in pain. When I said goodbye to him I thanked him several times. And I am so grateful to have had him in my life, albeit briefly. 

I think I will be finding myself another cat in the relatively near future. The loss of major Tom is pretty raw still so I doubt I will be rushing out and getting another cat next week. However, I know that I do better with a cat. My friend that I had lunch with today said she saw how happy I was when I adopted Major Tom and she is right. A Yennski does better with a cat. Thank you Major Tom for being in my world and giving me joy and love. I am sorry to see you go. You will be missed. 

Content warning: bullying 

There is a saying that the coolest adults were unpopular at school. I am not sure how ‘cool’ is defined but I do agree with the sentiment. I was certainly not in any way shape or form cool at school but I like to think I am pretty cool now!

Quirky is a positive quality in my mind. Being a bit left of centre, a little idiosyncratic is a good quality. Despite my current view it took me a long time to accept my own quirkiness. 

When I was at school I would have done anything I possibly could to have been accepted by the ‘cool’ kids. Instead they – and it seems most of the other kids too – took it upon themselves to bully me and make my life unpleasant. I tried as hard as I could to fit in. I changed my fashion sense to be a bit more like everyone else’s. I lost my English accept because nobody else had one. I even changed the spelling of my name, thinking that removing an ‘e’ would make me less of a target! I never achieved coolness at school.

My wish to fit in and be how I thought everyone else was followed me into early adulthood. I masked like nobody’s business and tried to be socially accepted. I was actually quite good at hiding my quirks. I was so good I believed my own performance! I was ashamed to be my true self.

Thankfully my life changed. I matured and built my self-esteem. I also wrote a book which changed my world. The book was all about my journey as an undiagnosed autistic person so I had put my autistic experience and my true self out into the world in book form. I started to feel proud of who I was – autistic, Queer, schizophrenic and everything else that I once would have hidden in shame because it was quirky or unusual.

I now love my quirky Yennski self. I am proud of my various differences and unique take on life. I know that I have as much right to exist and thrive as anyone else does. I would so much rather be quickly than ‘ordinary’ – whatever that is! Quirky is a good quality I think. So many Neurodivergent people – including me – are beautifully,  wonderfully, fantabulously quirky. Yay to that! Let us celebrate our quirks. 

Some of you might wonder what the topic of this post means. Basically passing privilege is when you belong to a disadvantaged group but people cannot tell this from looking at you and assume you are from a privileged group.

For me I have a few passing privilege experiences – particularly in terms of invisible disability and my gender identity. The assumption I think is that passing privilege is something a person probably wants to have as it shields them from random bigotry and ableism from strangers. I have friends whose gender expression is more ambiguous than mine and who people are more likely to assume are transgender and I have friends who are wheelchair users. These friends are on the receiving end of nastiness, bigotry and paternalism and everything that comes with it. I do not have that experience – and I usually have  to come out to people for them to know I am Queer or Disabled.

When people me I always think they might think I am a lesbian woman but that is it. When I say I have written books on autism a lot of people think I am an academic, parent or professional. In terms of my gender expression, these days I get a lot of people assuming I am female. While these things might sound like a positive they really aren’t. Instead of facing direct transphobia and ableism when walking down the street, I face erasure. Every time someone says ‘ladies’ when referring to me I die a little inside. I really don’t cope with being constantly misgendered. When I was younger my gender expression was very much the expectation of a male. Bus drivers would call me ‘mate’ when greeted with my checked shirt and work boots and shaved head and I loved it. I am tempted to change my expression (clothes etc) to to being more masculine so I don’t get mistaken for a woman every single time! However, it is not me that needs to change.

So passing privilege enables me to not be attacked by strangers but it comes at the cost of my my various identities. Passing privilege has one very handy impact which is that is make me a pretty good ally if any of my my friends are being attacked by bigots. I think it would be nice if these considerations were unnecessary and people were respectful and understood that a person’s gender has nothing to do with their physical appearance. I shouldn’t have to change my style because people assume I am a girl. People need to understand that gender expression, gender identity and biological sex are different things. People need to understand that many disabilities are invisible and autistic people don’t have a big sticker on our heads sating ‘autistic’. Passing privilege shouldn’t be necessary as a ‘thing’ because we should all be able ourselves and express our identity in whatever way we like.   

In am 48 years old. When I turned thirty I had lunch with my mum. I said to her ‘I might be thirty but I feel 19.’ My mum, who at the time was in her late fifties, said ‘yes. Me too.’ This was quite an eye opener for me as I considered my mum quite old. Now I am 48 – getting closer to my mum’s age at the time – and I certainly don’t feel old, and yes, I still sort of feel 19! 

Age is an odd thing. It is probably the only area of privilege / disadvantage where both ends of the spectrum can experience disadvantage. Young folks and old folks alike can face ageism. It is also something which is relative to where you are at a particular point in your life. I remember thinking thirty five was really old but now I think of thirty five as young! 

People around my age and older often find ourselves being nostalgic for earlier times. People can think that things were somehow better when we were younger. This is not new and has been going on forever. We can also get a bit judgey abbot younger people! I know I do and I absolutely hate it. I am always open to listen to new and different ideas and I really don’t like being ageist when I catch myself doing so. I think a lot of autistic people who are older can be more ‘young at heart’ and relate better to younger people

I actually quite like being older. People seem to listen to my opinion more and not dismiss me so much. I look considerably younger than I actually am which has fed into this. However, I am aware that as I get older still this will probably change. Assigned female at birth older people are often on the receiving end of being ignored due to their age. I guess I have that to look forward to!

As a transgender person I am grateful to be free of the transphobic prejudice which some older people have. Although this bigotry is not confined only to older people and older people can be inclusive and respectful around gender diversity – just look at my awesome parents who seem almost entirely free of bigotry and have oodles of love and respect for me! However, it does seem to often be younger people who are more respectful and understanding around gender.

And now it’s time for my age-related soapbox… When I was a young person there was criticism around ‘political correctness’. Political correctness was often seen as a bad thing. This was actually just a way to attack people from groups facing disadvantage and be racist, ableist, transphobic etc. We now has the terms ‘woke’ and ‘cancel culture’ which to my understanding are similar things to ‘political correctness’. Sadly some people do not seem to have moved on from when I was a young person and use these terms to attack people and to be bigoted. I fail to understand how it is a good thing to be disrespectful or bigoted and I fail to see how sticking up for folks and being a genuine ally is a bad thing.

I just want to sign off with saying I like who I am at 48. I don’t actually feel any age as a ‘number’ but I have done some good things in my life and I am working to leave a positive legacy, make a difference and generally rock the casbah and so forth :). 

Tomorrow, as I imagine you may know, is Christmas Day. Christmas means lots of things to different people. It doesn’t mean an awful lot to me these days. I am not really religious, don’t believe in Santa and I don’t generally celebrate the day. I think a lot of people find that a bit odd. This year the only gift I bought was for Secret Santa at work and the only gifts I received were from my mum and form my Secret Santa at work. I am spending the day at A Gender Agenda  at a Festivus event for transgender folks but I would be perfectly happy spending it with my cat and the television and maybe some writing.

I think Christmas can be a lovely thing but it can also be very challenging. I know in previous years I have been accused of being a grinch due to my commentary on the issues neurodivergent people can face in the festive season but I hold with what I have said, Christmas can be very stressful for neurodivergent folks. You might have to spend time with family members that you don’t get along with. You may be faced with festive food that you really don’t like. The pressure to give gifts – and receive them – can be very difficult and there can be sensory issues. There might be a lot of alcohol around and for some Neurodivergent – and other – people this can be triggering, especially if people get drink and behave poorly or if people have ben victimised by intoxicated people in the past.

Christmas can be very stressful. And that is just for people who observe it. Christmas – no matter how much one focuses on Santa Claus and the elf on the shelf – is a Christian festival. If you are not a Christian but live in a predominantly Christian country it can be very stressful and p[people can feel they don’t fit in. Sometimes people face discrimination on the basis of religion too. And for people who are very Christian – such as my mum – the holiday can be stressful because it is not Christian enough! It can certainly be a bit of a minefield!

It took me a long time to get to where I am at now in relation to Christmas. I genuinely do not mind that I am not spending it with family. It really is just another day. If you find it stressful try to find a solution or solutions that help it to be less so. Don’t feel pressured to do things you find stressful or triggering. And remember that it actually can be magical and lovely as well. When I was a kid I loved Christmas because fit all the tinsel and shiny things and it was absolutely enchanting. I wish you a merry Christmas and hoary holidays. Go well and if you are celebrating I hope you have a wonderful Tim. And if you are not celebrating? Well maybe drop me a message and we can have a chat 🙂 

It is not a secret that I have schizophrenia – far form it. I am quite comfortable talking about my ‘other’ diagnosis. One thing about schizophrenia is that it is usually treated with anti-psychotic medication. I have taken medication continuously since1995 and, barring any medical breakthroughs, I will be taking medication for the rest of my life. 

A lot of people assume medication is a negative. I would disagree with that. For m the medication enables me to live a fulfilled life and keeps me safe from psychosis (most of the time). Psychosis is basically like being in a waking nightmare. It is terrifying and dangerous. I wish I didn’t need to take the meds but I do. 

Psychiatric medications work differently for each person. There is no point recommending a medication to someone because what works for me may not work for someone else. I have had to try a range of medications before I found a regimen that suits me and helps with the symptoms. The medication doesn’t ‘cure’ me of the illness but it makes life more manageable. I now take an antipsychotic medication called Clozapine. Clozapine is like the last line of defence schizophrenia medication. It is only prescribed for treatment-resistant schizophrenia. It has potentially life-threatening side effects so doctors do not prescribe it lightly. For me it has ben life changing and I know that I need to as I had to stop taking it briefly last year and I got impressively unwell!

I have a love hate relationship with the meds. They enable me to work and write and do all the good things I do but they impact on my enjoyment of life. I have to go to bed at 7pm and wake up eleven or twelve hours later. The medication has stolen my evenings! The meds also put on weight and have an impact on my cognition so I am a lot less of an intellect than I was – a pretty difficult  thing for an author and knowledge worker! 

When people say they don’t want to put their child on medication for things like ADHD I am conflicted. I know that for a lot of people ADHD meds are life-changing. Doctors generally have a fair grasp of the impact of medicating a child but I do understand if parents are reluctant as ADHD meds are pretty heavy duty. I also know that ADHD meds can make a huge positive difference for people with ADHD be they a kid or an adult. It is important to know is that neurodivergent people – and especially autistic people – can have different reactions to medication to their neurotypical peers. Doctors prescribing medication really need to know this as an autistic person can need a lot less – or more – medication to their neurotypical peers to achieve a therapeutic and effective dose. 

So for me, medication is an essential part of managing my mental health issues. It is not an option for me to not take it.  I need it and I always well. I am very grateful that the meds exist and I can access them as they enable me to do the things I do. 

I always say an accurate diagnosis is a gift, mostly because, well it is! Knowing what is going on in terms of health, mental health and neurology enables people to access a number of useful things. Things like helpful treatment, an understanding of why they experience life the way they do and even an identity and a community. I find my autism and ADHD diagnoses enable me to understand myself and also to understand why I experience the world the way I do. My schizophrenia and anxiety diagnoses enable me to access treatment which makes my life not only considerably more manageable but also enables me to live in a world where – most of the time at least – I am not caught in the waking nightmare that is psychosis.

…so, you will probably understand why I struggle when people call my diagnoses ‘labels’ and see this as a negative thing. The most common place where this kind of thing occurs seems to be with some parents of neurodivergent children. When the possibility of a diagnosis is raised these people will say ‘oh but I don’t want to label my child’. I will pause here for a moment to reflect on the relationship between many autistic advocates and neurotypical parents of autistic kids. There is a long history of antagonism between both groups. I definitely don’t want to tell parents how to do their job and my view is that most parents I have met are on their own journey. Me giving them a hard time is likely to be counter-productive and possibly make them reluctant to listen to any autistic voices in the future. I always say we are all at different points on our journey and I want to support knowledge and understanding rather than blaming anyone.

That said, I have some major concerns about the ‘I don’t want to label my child’ statement. Firstly, autism is an actual thing. It is not a label. Not giving a child or adult a diagnosis does not stop them being autistic, In fact they will still b autistic but less able to access supports and adjustments, making their life more difficult. Also, autism is not necessarily a bad thing. Autistic is a neurotype rather than a disease or disorder so having a diagnosis is often a positive thing in terms of identity and self-knowledge. And finally, these days there is a lot of information in the world about autism. A parent might not want to ‘label’ their child but the child themselves may be acutely aware that they are autistic, with or without the ‘label’. Not labelling your child will not stop them being autistic. It will just stop them from accessing a bunch of helpful things and their own community. And if they already identify as autistic, then avoiding a ‘label’ might actually become an ongoing issue between parent and child.

Autism is not a label. It is a difference, a culture, an identity, a way of experiencing the world, the source of some positives and some challenges and a way of understanding who you are. Not a label at all really.

I am well known for being a fan of all things feline. I have loved cats for as long as I knew they existed. I have had six cats over the course of my life: Smokey when I was a kid, Sensei when I was a young adult, Monty when I was an errant druggie person, Tilly when I was at university and trying to better my life, Mr Kitty when I was an unwell public servant in Canberra and Major Tom – who I have now. My cats have often mirrored where I am at in terms of my mood and life. I have a very strong affinity to cats. I sense non-verbal cues and body language in a cat that I would never notice in a human. While eye contact with people makes me feel like I can see straight into their soul and is very unpleasant, I often give my kitties the smooch look as I call it. (Where you look at the kitty, narrow your eyes and look away. If they reciprocate it usually means they love you!)

I have always loved cats. I often say that a Yenn without a cat is barely a Yenn at all. Actually I have Major Tom on my knee as I type. It isn’t very comfortable but what is lacks in comfort it makes up in, well adorable!! Many autistic people  have a bond with animals which is beyond what most other people can understand. When Mr Kitty came into my life in 2013 my mental health improved exponentially. Holding or just being near a cat lowers my stress and makes me feel good. A cats purr can relax me when nothing else does and burying my face in a purring kitty is one of the best sensations around.

It isn’t just cats either. Autistic people can have a bond with all sorts of different creatures. The awesome advocate Summer Farrelly have a connection with chickens and I have several autistic friends who have service dogs and love them like you couldn’t imagine.

I think being around animals is often a huge plus for us and they help us to navigate life well. Some autistic people do not connect with creatures,  and of course that is fine too. Contrary to me, my mum – who is also autistic – does not have any connection with pets although she loves nature and all the birds and flowers and fungi. 

I will always be a cat person and to my mind there is shame in that,. I am as close to my cats as many people are to their partners or even children – and in some cases possibly more so! The company of kitties makes my world an infinitely better place. Bring on the kitty iI say (And Major Tom says purr and ‘could I have some more cat food please nice human person who rescued me’.) 

I am a non-binary and transgender person whose name is Yenn. My name was not always Yenn. Yenn is the name I chose for myself to reflect my true self and identity. My name has many meanings. It relates to poetry as to yen in poetic language is to yearn and I do that in spades! I spend a lot of time reflecting on who I am and sharing those reflections. Plus I am in fact a poet – I have been writing poetry since I was seven years old and these days have some poems in anthologies and competitions. My name is also not gendered make or female, at least not in Australia where I live, meaning my name is a reflection of my transgender and non-binary identity. And finally, my name contains a couple of letters from my dead name – the name I was given at birth and which I had for over forty years and I feel it is good to have a nod to the past as it shaped who I am now. 

Most transgender people I know that have changed their names do not like talking about their ‘dead name’. This includes me. I feel uncomfortable even thinking of my dead name in relation to myself. Choosing to write this post was very challenging as I didn’t really want to share my dead name with a wider audience but I decided to write it anyway, mostly because many people are unaware of considerations around transitioning and affirming gender.

People often ask me what my dead name was. This makes me very uncomfortable – and I suspect many other trans people too. I chose my real name for a reason and when people want to know about my dead name I feel very bothered and stressed. However I recognise that people are interested in these things. But a note for cis gender folks, please don’t ask trans folks what our dead names were our worse still ask ‘is that your real name’? Yenn is more my name than my dead name ever was. A name is all about identity and how people see us. Our name is probably the most personal thing we own. It is upsetting when someone drags up the name we had prior to affirming who we actually are.

For me I have another challenge which is that I had a public profile under my dead name and I have one under my affirmed name. So there is a lot of content in the world under my dead name. Sometimes I will be on a Zoom chat and my dead name will pop up unexpectedly! Many of my books and awards are under my dead name. The good folks at TEDx Canberra updated my details on the YouTube site for my talk but most of the organisations I worked with in the past have not done this. I don’t know what to do to address this but I really struggle with it. 

I guess on the one hand my dead name was how people described me for most of my life but it really never seemed to ‘fit.’ I absolutely love my new, affirmed name of Yenn. I am more myself as Yenn than I ever was as ‘Jeanette’. I never had any pet names or nick names with my dead name but as Yenn I have a bunch – Yennski, Yennie, Yenns, My Yennie friend to name a few. And then there are ways I use my name in amusing ways – Yenniversary, Yenniverse, Yennish etc. I think this is very telling of how comfortable I am as Yenn. So please don’t ever call me or any of my trans peers by our dead name and don’t ask ‘is that your real name?’And know that Yenn is so completely who I am that I can’t imagine being called anything else. 

Image: Yenn wearing a rainbow wig at the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in 2019