Sunflower’s story – a kitty perspective

My name is Sunflower, and I am a tortoiseshell kitty that lives with my Human, Yenn. I haven’t always lived with Yenn. I used to live on the streets in Canberra. I was very little and I had five kittens. Some nice humans rescued me and my kittens. They had a big house and lots of people came to visit me. My Human, Yenn, was the last one to visit and they adopted me – but not my kittens. I was put in a carrier and taken a long way away to my Human’s house. It was very cosy and had lots of art, shiny things and things I could knock on the floor!

My Human talked to me in human. Their spoken cat wasn’t very good, and I needed to teach them how to miaow properly, but I knew they loved me even if their communication was a bit iffy. My Human is an author, consultant and advocate. This means they spend most of their time working on their computer – I sometimes come and ‘help’ – all work needs kitty supervision! I also supervise showers, visits to the toilet an watching TV – feline supervision is always required in these situations!

It took me a while to get used to life with my Human, but they were so loving and tried so many different sorts of cat food until they found some that I liked! For a former street cat I am pretty fussy! They put three bowls of water out because when I drink water, I like to swipe at it with my paws and then lick it off! It means a lot of water goes on the floor!

After a while I got used to life with my Human. When they go to bed, I sit on them for a while and then curl up next though them. I like to walk around the lounge room and then flop onto my side so my Human can give me belly pats. Most cats bite humans that pat their belly but not me. I never bite my human when they do this – I just purr loudly. Whenever they come home after being out – even if only for a few minutes – they sit on the bed, and I come and sit on their lap and purr and then lick their nose! I love to show my love for my Human by licking them! Usually, I lick their hands and toes but sometimes their face too! I used to lick my kittens, and it was my way of telling them I loved them and cared for them so the same goes for my Human!

My Human tells everyone that I am a gentle soul and that there I s no aggression in me. They are right. I am a very calm and contented kitty. When I go to the vet, I make friends with them! The vet even calls me Princess. when I stay at cat boarding, I say hello to anyone who walks past me, and I ask for cuddles. I am a very purry cat. I love to play and not just with toys designated for cats. I also like fidget spinners, the curtains, the modem, shoelaces and jewellery. I also love to chase moths and any other small creepy crawlies. And I like to observe the birds outside. I think I would probably overcome my fear of outside if catching a bird outside was a possibility!

Sometimes I get scared and have to hide. Three things make me scared: thunder, the vacuum cleaner and going outside. When the back door is open, or the vacuum is running or there is a thunderstorm I hide at the very back of the wardrobe! It’s OK though because as soon as the noise or outdoors is no longer an issue I come about and ask for cuddles again!

My Human needs me. They can get quite stressed and sad, and, in those times, they need their kitty friend. My Human has had a lot of cats in the past. Other humans that like cats say my Human is a very good cat parent. One of my Human’s friends said when they die they want to come back as one of Yenn’s cats! I am a happy and contented little furry person. My Human has lots of names for me – smoochy pie, Missy Moo, Furry pants, Smooch-pot, furry, Versmoochen and a bunch of others! I love my Human and I am delighted that they chose me as their kitty.

I hope you liked my story – and purrrrrrrrrrr

Six years of being Yenn – name, identity and pride

Content warning – transphobia and hatred

On 11 February 2019 I was at work. My job was in education program compliance in the Australian Public Service which paid the bills but wasn’t really very exciting! I suddenly thought ‘Yenne’? I wrote it down, but it was not quite there. Then I wrote ‘Yenn’ and bingo! I will unpack this a little. I came out as non-binary in 2018 and my name was an issue. Actually, my name had ALWAYS been an issue. I didn’t like it, and it didn’t sit with me, but I never had reason to consider changing it. In 2018 I kept trying to think of a better name for myself, but nothing worked so I decided to leave it to my subconscious. And yay to my subconscious for coming up with such as excellent name! It came to me on 11 February 2019 and has been a welcome part of my identity ever since.

When I thought about Yenn I realised it satisfied a number of things. It was a name that didn’t conjure thoughts of a specific gender, at least in Australia. To yen in poetry is to yearn and I do a lot of self-reflection so that worked nicely, and it included several letters from my ‘dead name’. (And please don’t ask me to say what my dead name is. I really don’t like to do so. If you type my name into Amazon, then my dead name is on my earlier books, but I don’t like to think about it or say it and it does not define who I am).

My name is one of my favourite things about me. Lots of fellow trans folks have told me that it is a great name, and I agree with them. It is a core part of my identity and my pride in being transgender and non-binary and I am proud to be me – extremely proud. We live in an increasingly transphobic world where some – and I use this term very lightly – leaders are filled with hate for transgender people. My name helps connect me with my trans siblings and every time I use my name it is an expression of pride and inclusion.

My Yenn name is so much ‘me’. I love it and I always have. Often someone will ask where I ‘come from’ presumably meaning what country my name is from. I replay that my name came from my brain! Gotta love my Yennski brain. That thing is formidable – and problematic at times but I like to focus on the good bits rather than the bits which have resulted in lots of psych hospital stays over the years! I guess those bits of my brain have a purpose to serve as well.

Being trans and in my fifties is a funny thing. I have trans friends who are in their fifties or older but when I attend trans pride events a large number of the participants are of an age that my kids would have been if I had kids! People ask why I left it so long to come out and I answer that when I was a young person there was not a lot of knowledge around transgender and non-binary identities. I came out as non-binary about a year after I learned it was a ‘thing’. Better late than never, I guess!

Yenn is a wonderful name, and it lends itself to a number of nicknames and amusing terms – Yenniverse, Yennsiversary, Yennie, Yennski, Yeme, Yenntastic! A friend recently commented on my collecting Y-themed things and very astutely said that when I had my deadname I didn’t collect J-themed things! I do love my Y things!

I am immensely proud of all my various identities and experiences, but I also know that there are a lot of people who would hate me and even do violence against me because of the simple fact of my gender as evidenced by my lovely Yennski name. This baffles me. I don’t do hatred. I don’t even really do anger very often. And another person’s gender is really nobody else’s business. I responded to a question on a recent podcast about autism and gender. I said:

Trans people are not for some reason trying to steal the benefits of feminism. We do not have a sinister agenda – or any agenda. Being trans is not a choice and many of the people who detransition do so as a response to hatred and bigotry rather than ‘changing their minds!’ Autistic people can – and do – know their gender. All we want is inclusion and respect and getting the same rights that everyone else has. And we are not recruiting!!

Yep – what Yennski said.

About rejection sensitivity – not a flaw or failing

I have been working on an area which is relatively new to me – Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or rejection sensitivity. What is this you ask? Well, a quick Google tells me that: Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. This condition is linked to ADHD and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. Those differences mean your brain can’t regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviours, making them much more intense.

Thanks, Google!

I actually think it isn’t just ADHDers who experience this. I think a fair number of autistic people – and others – probably do too. I myself am an AuDHDer and I know lot of others when experience this too.

Actually, the description of RSD sounds so like me you wouldn’t believe it! I am terrified of criticism and feedback. Receiving constructive criticism is one of my absolute least favourite things! It makes me stressed, catastrophise and makes my self-esteem take a nose-dive. I don’t even like waiting for what I am fairly certain will be positive feedback! And making errors and mistakes fills me with existential dread. While part of my message as an author and advocate is for people to make positives out of failure and setbacks, I am not always following my own advice. It makes professional employment very challenging – and was a large contributing factor to me leaving one of my previous jobs.

A lot of people don’t understand this condition. They see it as a character flaw or something which can be changed through willpower alone. However, I know that I cannot change this part of being me just by applying some positive thinking – if I could I most definitely would as rejection sensitive dysphoria is very unpleasant and potentially very limiting. It also relates to people pleasing and other attributes often viewed as a character flaw or failing.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I actually quite like my ADHD as it involves lots of really nifty attributes which make it possible for me to do the things I do. However is RSD is part of being AuDHD it is a part I would gladly do without!

Rejection sensitivity is a relatively newly described experience. Just like ten or fifteen years ago people said that ADHD and autism were not actual things but excuses for poorly behaved children or rudeness, so too RSD now is often viewed that way. Wouldn’t it be nice not to have to justify yourself as a neurodivergent person!!

RSD impacts a range of settings and relationships. The more obvious ones are in employment and education as these involve performance discussions and feedback on assessments. These things provide RSD with a wonderful opportunity to be unpleasant to whoever is experiencing it. However, it also related to friendships and relationships. I had an absolute doozy this afternoon. I have been working closely with some people. They are lovley and I am really enjoying working with them. They sent me some messages which I didn’t get to until today. I responded and waited, and they didn’t respond. My first thought was that I must have upset them or done something wrong. When they did contact me, they told me they were at an event interstate and hadn’t seen my messages! This made sense and was a much more likely explanation than me doing some dreadful thing, offending them and them ghosting me! I kept trying to address my anxiety and say to myself that there was a reasonable explanation, and I couldn’t think of anything I had done but the experience was very real! People pleasing is something people with RSD are often told they do. Worrying about getting it wrong combined with communication differences in autism and ADHD make it a real issue.

I used to have a job with managers who didn’t like me much and were quite critical o regular occasions. The amount of negative feedback I got was immense and had a huge negative impact on my sense of self and my confidence. I was told that my trouble with feedback was basically an affectation, and I was being deliberately difficult. I left that job because I figured no job was worth constant misery and stress. These days I mostly work for myself, and it is lovley. I think employers and educators particularly need to understand what RSD is, how it impacts people and know that it is not a flaw or failing. It ties in closely with other kinds of anxiety as well as low self-esteem and impostor syndrome. It is not one of my attributes that I view as a positive. Quite the opposite. If there was a cure for Autism or ADHD I would not take it but if there was one for RSD, I would be lining up all day to get it! And also, when I am struggling with this I reflect that cats do not judge, blame or give any kind of critical feedback. If in doubt cuddle a cat. Actually, I think dogs are pretty good at this too.

Interesting times – why I am transgender and proud whatever happens

Trigger warning: Transphobic hatred, bigotry, Trump

I am transgender and non-binary. This is not a secret, nor should it be. My gender and identity are a source of joy and celebration for me. I do not like closets because they are dark and isolating and scary. I want everyone else who is trans to be happy and proud of who they are and not afraid to come out through fear of bigotry and transphobia from others. I am someone who has been out loud and proud as Queer since 1991, and I have no intention to change that.

I feel the need to be up front about some things. Being transgender is not ‘unnatural’. If was there would be no transgender people. Being trans is not a fad or phase. It is not due to coercion from militant trans people. It is not caused by being around other trans people, looking at trans content or even watching The Matrix. It is not a reason for shame or guilt. Being trans is not a ‘sin’. To my knowledge – and I grew up very religious, so I have read the Bible several times in my youth – there is no mention of being transgender as a sin in the Bible, plus why on earth do we need to pay attention to a book that was written between over 2000 years ago! Being trans is definitely not a case of trans women somehow wanting to ‘steal’ all the benefits of feminism. That one always baffles me, and I suspect the people who make that pernicious statement know full well that they are actually saying those things to lend validity to what is basically hatred plain and simple.

I know I will be trolled for this post, and I actually don’t really care. I don’t care about trolling because things have shifted to my mind. I have always been on the receiving end of transphobia, homophobia and hatred but at this point in history things seems to have gotten even more serious than they were in the past. We have a political ‘leader’ – who is about as much a real leader as my cat is an aardvark I might add – who hates us and has made public statements threatening trans folks. Pardon the colourful language but this shit just got even more serious than it was – and it has always been pretty serious anyway.

We are now actually expecting Queer refugees from the USA due to all the state-sanctioned hatred and discrimination. Seriously what has happened to the world? I will not stand by and watch this and not do anything. I know there isn’t a huge amount I can do but anything I can do I will. I wear pride pins most of the time. I share what I hope to be a message of respect and inclusion with my public profile. It isn’t really an enormous public profile, but I think it can help. There is that statement ‘Evil triumphs when good people do nothing’. I am not planning on standing by a watching and saying nothing as these horrors occur. I can’t help but wonder what is in the future and how bad things could become. It is way beyond any horror scenario I could have imagined already.

I am trans, I am proud, and I am not going to watch hell uphold without saying something. I do think that trans folks face a lot of hatred anyway and we are a highly discriminated against group – all the more reason to stand up and be counted. I worry for our world for many reasons but the one that involves my trans siblings – and let’s face it, me as well, facing hatred and violence makes me angry and sad. I fail to understand hate on any grounds but someone’s gender seems such a strange thing for bigots to care about. I always say that whatever happens in terms of respect and inclusion we cannot be complacent. Inclusion does not travel a clear linear path in time from discrimination to inclusion and things naturally get better. It doesn’t work like that and there is no reason for complacency. I am going to keep doing what I do around inclusion and fighting hatred – minor though my reach, power and influence might be.

And as I have your attention, here is a link to my 2023 TEDx talk about Autigender: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSC1P49jOec

Crime and punishment – beyond blame and vengeance

Yesterday I was walking from my workplace to the tram stop and I felt someone grab me from behind. I then found myself face to face with an old man who accused me of stealing his drugs and cigarettes. He grabbed my handbag and tried to take it off me. I resisted and yelled out that I was being attacked. Thankfully the man ran off when I yelled, but I felt very shaken. It was a very scary and unexpected experience.

This experience got me thinking about crime and society and things like that. Initially I thought about my would-be mugger. Presumably he has a pretty crappy life and probably wasn’t in a good frame of mind when he attacked me. Not that this excuses violence and picking on Yennski who was just trying to get home to feed their kitty, but it did help me to get past judging him. Happy people don’t generally get involved in criminal behaviour.

Then I thought about myself and my own aberrant behaviour in the past. There are two things about me that nobody believes – that I am fifty years old and that in my youth I was a prisoner. I look pretty different from to most people’s assumptions around criminals and prisoners but I can assure you that between 1994 and 1999 I had ‘Victorian Government’ written on my towels, my correspondence was opened by officers and I was only referred – to by the officers – at least – as ‘Purkis’.

I should say here that I had untreated schizophrenia, and I had a big illicit drug problem. In sociological terms I was definitely oppressed. In terms of intersectionality, prisoners are generally a pretty roundly oppressed group! To say that crime is simply an individual poor choice is simplistic and unhelpful.

Crime has both a social and an individual element. By this I mean that society impacts on criminal behaviour – research demonstrates that a large percentage of criminals come from a small number of postcodes. Being oppressed in other areas can end up meaning that someone commits crimes. In Australia, first Nations people are extremely overrepresented in the prison population. To my mind this isn’t because First Nations peoples are particularly poorly behaved – there is a bunch or evidence around a number of elements which impact on rates in incarceration for different oppressed groups.

The social element of crime is really clear but there is also an individual element. People do make choices to commit crimes. So, society has a big impact on crime, but the induvial choices people make is also a factor / determinant of criminal behaviour. Ah yes, nuance! Nuance in this space in my experience is rare. The attitudes of a lot of people – and media commentators – is ‘criminals are bad and should be punished.’ It would be an easier problem to address of it was that simple!

For me, my shameful history makes me very sad. I have a lot of remorse and dislike media attention in case anyone I victimised in my early life sees me and feels triggered or is (probably justifiably) angry that someone like me gets opportunities. What got me involved in crime was a relationship with a man ten years older than me who was a very scary criminal. I got so involved with him that I was afraid d to leave so I committed crimes with him and we both went to jail. After that I was so traumatised by being constantly in fear of my safety in jail that I self-medicated with illicit drugs. This resulted in me getting a diagnosis of schizophrenia – which I have still 30 years later. I ended up in hospital with psychosis and was delusional thinking that prison was s a depression cure. You would be surprising how easy it is to get in jail if you want to, even when you are psychotic! Thus began over three years as a prisoner. I became the most self-destructive and desperate person you could imagine. [And I should note that psychosis does not necessarily make a person violent or result in aggressive behaviour. People experiencing psychosis are actually a very vulnerable group.] My life was hellish and miserable.

If it is easy to get INTO the criminal worlds then it is difficult to overcome this! I spent many years trying to change my life. I went to university, wrote a book and ended up as a commonwealth public servant. Whenever I go for a job I need to prove myself through police checks an such forth. I have never been refused any of these clearances, but the process always fills me with stress – and takes a while due to the need for risk assessments!

I will never be the person who seeks vengeance around criminal behaviour. I know what it is like on both sides of the law. I know that many criminals are desperate and oppressed and overwhelmingly powerless. Being in the criminal world and all it entails results in being completely disempowered at least in a social sense.

So, while being attacked in the street yesterday was unsettling and unpleasant and scary, I have some empathy for the perpetrator. Presumably he was having a very crappy day and may have been unwell with psychosis or other mental health issues just like myself in the 1990s.

I firmly believe that the concept of justice reinvestment – where public money is diverted from building new prisons and put instead into development for the small number of neighbourhoods which are disproportionally represented in numbers of criminals. There is evidence that this approach is beneficial in reducing crime. I so don’t think ‘fixing’ crime should involve harsh punishment – in fact that doesn’t seem to make a difference. I am not a person who seeks blame and vengeance and if supporting criminals and their communities reduces crime then let’s do that! I got free from my own time in prisons and the criminal world when I accessed a mental health support live-in program on release from jail in early 2000. Rather than blaming and punishing me this service supported me to become who I am – author, TEDx speaker, community advocate, artist and consultant. I tend to think 2025 Yennski is probably a good thing to have around the place!

20 years since Finding a Different Kind of Normal: Being an advocate, trying to change the world and those sorts of things…

I am Yenn – author of 18 published books, international keynote and TEDx presenter, social media presence, cat lover and all-round autistic trailblazer – which are all rather odd things to say about yourself! I have been an autistic advocate for twenty years this year. The catalyst for my somewhat changed life from poverty to renowned advocate was my friendship with the late great autistic author and advocate Polly Samuel. It was mostly brought about Polly through supporting me to write the first serious piece of writing I ever did, what would become my first book, the autobiography Finding a Different Kind of Normal. To say the book changed my life would be an understatement of a very high order!

So, if you get in your TARDIS, Delorian or other patented time machine and set the coordinates for early 2005 you will meet a very different version of Yenn. This Yenn had a different name and a very different life to the version of Yenn writing this post! Yenn in the early 2000s was poor – living in public. I was recovering from a very traumatic and shameful criminal past which, then at least, was quite recent. However, I might have been poor and have a horrible past, but I was also aspirational. I was doing a Master’s degree and had plans to escape poverty. I even used to look at real estate websites imagining that I would one day be able to purchase a home, despite the fact that at the time I was living in poverty with minimal savings.

At around this time lots of people said that I should write my autobiography because my life was apparently interesting. I didn’t want this. I figured a book about my life, criminal history and all, would result in judgement and criticism. Then I met Polly Samuel. Polly said if I wrote my life story it would be for the parents of autistic young people who are caught up in the criminal justice system who felt ashamed to engage in the parent community as they feared judgment. If I wrote it, according to Polly, my book would be for this group of parents. It didn’t take me long to realise that would include my own parents, so I went ahead and wrote the book.

It took me four weeks to write the book. It was intense and cathartic. At the time it was the most impressive thing I had ever done. I didn’t really think it would be published but Polly sent the manuscript to her publisher, and it didn’t take them long to accept it. I was a real author. Wow! The funny thing is that I have only had one judgemental response to the book in the past twenty years!

The book helped me to build my confidence and within a few months of its publication I applied for ‘real’ jobs in the public service and was successful. Had it not been for the book and the confidence it gave me I would not have applied for any professional jobs. My life would have been very different!

In the twenty years since I wrote the book, I have had a load of amazing experiences and become a sought-after autistic author and advocate. I now have 18 published books including 13 with Jessica Kingsley Publishers. I have become a sought-after autistic advocate and speaker, and I now have my own business as a consultant and coach. In the past twenty years I have owned two properties, given two TEDx talks, spent 17 years in the public service in many different roles. I have worked with some amazing people – too many to name them all. I have received a number of awards and I am even featured on a mural in Canberra featuring ‘local heroes’. (This makes me laugh as I looked up the other people featured on the mural. One was a police officer who saved 15 people in a flood….and then there is me. I sit at my laptop and write memes and blog posts of reflections from the perspective of my cat! Probably not really very heroic.) There is even a Yenn cocktail which was created for an author event at a gin distillery! And if you are interested, I think it contains gin, raspberry, grenadine and lime. It was pretty tasty. People ask me for advice and I am mentoring and coaching a number of people. I often get asked to do cool things. I have been part of a podcast for Audible alongside comedians Tom Ballard and Susie Yousuf and I was on the judging panel for the Australian Podcast Awards alongside comedian Meshell Lawrie as few years ago. I have launched many books – my own and others’. I have a pretty enviable life although it is not necessarily easy particularly as I have significant mental health issues requiring medication and management and seeing professionals on a regular basis.

I gave someone a Yenn business card the other day. The description of my job on my card is ‘Autistic and ADHD advocate, coach, author and consultant’. The person receiving my card said ‘I want your job!’. I want my job too! I have the best job in the world at the moment and my first book was a major factor in me getting to where I am.

People often ask me if it is hard to write a book. It isn’t for me because I love writing and am actually quite good at it! Whether it is hard or not, I think writing your life story can be a wonderful thing to do, regardless of whether you publish it. I don’t generally read my content after it is released into the world, but I have read the autobiography a couple of times. I am struck by how much I have forgotten about things that happened in the past which I had included in the book! I guess that reflects the catharsis involved in writing it. I used the book to exorcise some demons I suppose.

People love my autobiography. I know advocates who have read it and said that it inspired them to become advocates and / or authors themselves. There is a band called The Velvet Underground which was active in the 1960s. They produced a record which was not widely purchased when it first came out. One of the band members said that very small numbers of people bought their album but everyone that did started a band after hearing it. That’s sort of how I feel about my autobiography. It is not well-subscribed. I have many books that have sold considerably more copies than my autobiography but for me my first book remains my most meaningful, the one I feel the most fondly about. I know a lot of people for whom my autobiography was the first autism book they read and it changed their lives. That is something I feel very proud about and I am so glad my work helps other people.

It is a lovely book, and I have been told it is very readable. People often tell me that they meant to read one chapter and then find themselves at 4am having read the whole thing in one sitting! If I wrote it again it would be different, but I think it benefits from being my first serious piece of writing. It is more raw, more immediate. I once received negative feedback saying that it ‘wasn’t helpful and it was just stories’ to which I would respond that stories and narratives are actually extremely helpful. We learn through stories. We are narrative creatures and communication often involves anecdotes, reflection and stories. History is simply a collection of stories. As such I give you my story such as it was twenty years ago. Enjoy. https://woodslane.com.au/products/9781843104162?_pos=9&_sid=aaef2dcea&_ss=r

Generational differences and autism

I often say that I am the youngest older person that I know! This year I turned 50 which presumably is on the older side of middle age. I don’t feel middle-aged at all! I feel about 19 and I understand that many other older and middle-aged people also feel about 19. The important thing in this space is that I am NOT 19! I am of a completely different generation to an actual 19-year-old. I know this because my oldest niece is 18 and the world she inhabits is very different to the one I do! Generational differences are real. I want to unpack my thoughts around these differences and particularly in the autism space.

Shortly after I actually was 19 I turned 20 (I know, amazing!!) It was 1994 and the appropriate diagnosis had existed in the diagnostic literature for less than a year and pretty much nobody had heard of it. The world for a diagnosed – and undiagnosed- autistic person was poles apart from what we have now. Schools had no concept of autism and how they might need to support their students. Thinking around autism was almost entirely negative and at the time I was diagnosed I am pretty sure the term neurodiversity was yet to be coined. The medical model of disability was almost entirely espoused – probably by both clinicians and autistic folks alike. It was a very different world. I was one of the first diagnosed autistic adults in Australia. People these days say I am a ‘trailblazer’ due to my tenure as an advocate, but I think also because I lived in the time I did and everything that went along with it.

I struggled with my lack of an early diagnosis. It actually impacted on my capability to be a good advocate at times. One of these was when I was at a panel event and there were parents talking about the positive interventions in school for their autistic kids and how these needed to be expanded. I was torn for agreeing with the parents that interventions and supports needed to be expanded and feeling very jealous that nothing like that existed when I was in school!

People in my age group and a little younger often get their autism diagnosis in their thirties or forties – often when their kids get a diagnosis. I think within the ranks of autistic folks this group of autistic parents probably forms a specific demographic and generation of autistic people. Then there are young adults, teens, tweens and kids – all groups that I love to write books for incidentally! The difference between being diagnosed and not – and also knowing you are autistic or not – makes a big impact on how autistic people navigate life. These considerations can cross generations.

In wider society – beyond the ranks of autistic people – there are also distinct generational differences, and these also affect autistic people form each group. I do think we need to be careful around generational differences though, as a lot of the categorising of generational experiences and attitudes relates to understanding around marketing and advertising, but there are definitely differences. Even between the three generations of my immediate family there are clear differences in attitudes, experiences use of language and expression through fashion. One example of these is that gender diversity tends to be viewed very differently based on age. Of course there are many exceptions to this but often older people (70s and over) find the whole concept baffling and even threatening, people of my generation want to be respectful but may have to consciously work at it and people of my niblings’ generation (teens) often have little to no issues around understanding and accepting trans and gender divergent folks and can’t see what the issue is.

As I said at the start, I consider myself a very ‘young’ older person. In terms of expression through fashion, I have blue hair and extensive tattoos, most of my clothes come from Dangerfield and Black Milk and art websites like Redbubble and Etsy. I consider myself very ‘woke’ and I ‘speak young person’ (although possibly at a beginner level!). However, in terms of popular culture I couldn’t reliably name five current bands or movie stars and there are so many fandoms now that I can’t keep up! I know when I really was 19, I was across most of the content in popular culture.

I don’t want to be young really. When I was young, I was bullied and had zero self-esteem. Being assertive and setting boundaries was for other people, and I was constantly being given a hard time by predatory men. These days I do assertiveness well and I like myself plus I am kind of wise and people seek me out for advice and thoughts. I see people who are younger than me and think how much older than me they look but maybe our attitudes and experiences are similar. Not sure. And re autism, I don’t know if getting a diagnosis as a child would have made my life better, possibly but possible not. I think it probably would have just made my life different. I suspect I may have less birthdays in the future than the past but that is OK. I am OK with death. It happens. One of my favourite comedians, Russell Howard, said that life is about collecting as many memories and experiences as you can while you are here. I like that. I also like the idea that it is a good thing to leave the world a little better when you go than it was when you came in. I like that too.

Yes, this is little Yennski. Cute, weren’t they!

Uncertainty, patience and anxiety

I am not a patient person. Anyone who knows me knows that. I want things done NOW!! Waiting for emails from prospective employers can fill me with immense anxiety and I struggle and have to distract myself by doing something other than thinking about whatever I think needs to happen. It’s funny because while that is the case for some things, for others it is a case that I could happily wait until the end of time. Odd this being human bizzo! (and I am delighted that Word accepts the term ‘bizzo’ and doesn’t think it is a typo!)

I suspect patience is a thing I could learn. Maybe I am learning it? Who knows.

Patience ties in with thoughts of anxiety around uncertainty. As an autistic person – and an ADHD person for that matter – uncertainty is not my friend. It usually goes from being aware that something is uncertain to worrying about the uncertainty to catastrophising about the absolute worst thing that can happen. This process can take a matter of seconds.

People often say I am good at having contingencies and working out my plan for the future. The next paragraph is an example of what others think is me planning well but which I actually know is me catastrophising…

I am a small business now and I have a mortgage
I currently only have one day a week of regular work and the contract for that expires in May 2025
I have enough money coming in from my business at this point but there is a possibility I will not get enough work and need to use my savings to pay the mortgage
My savings will run out, nobody will want my services as a business and nobody will want to employ me
I will run out of money
I will have to sell Yennski HQ
I will have to move in with my parents or a shared house and I will need to give up my kitty
I will be miserable, unable to work, unwell with schizophrenia on an ongoing basis and die unhappy

This process goes through my head a lot more times than it should.

However, a person can look at uncertain situations and think about the potential for either a negative or a positive outcome. So instead of the scenario above I could say:

I have a small business and a mortgage
I am currently earning enough money to support myself
If I need more regular work I am highly employable and some organisation is bound to want my expertise in their company
I should be able to stay at Yennski HQ for as long as I choose and keep my kitty
I will die at a good old age, fulfilled and happy, surrounded by family and friends – and cats – and will leave a wonderful legacy.

I do wonder why my brain so often goes to the first scenario. I think I might be hard wired to worry and catastrophise and see the negatives. I don’t want to and suspect it might be possible to alter that initial response to uncertainty.

For me at the moment it is all about managing uncertainty, altering my focus and approach to things and practicing patience wherever I can. I suspect these are ongoing skills that will hopefully improve over time. I think I need to take a leaf out of Sunflower the kitty’s book – she is very good at waiting for things and is rarely anxious. And despite being a cat I doubt that she ever ‘cat’astrophises!

I do hope I learn how to manage uncertainty better, limit catastrophising and build my ability to wait for things patiently. I guess it is nice to get to work on self-improvement!

Sunflower kitty practicing patience, relaxation and kitty mindfulness (which I am sure is a thing!)

What a year!!

2024 was one of the most challenging, difficult and amazing years of my life. I made difficult decisions and made some major changes, most of which turned out to be very positive.

The most significant change for 2024 (and possibly ever) was that I left my public service job of over 17 years and went into business for myself. This decision was described as ‘brave’! It was actually in response to my being very unhappy at work and needing a change in a hurry. It wasn’t really a choice to my mind, but I have not regretted my decision even once. Everyone tells me how happy I seem now – even my parents say I sound happy on the phone! My mental health is better than I think it has ever been, and my only worry is uncertainty around where my income will come from – but thus far it has been OK. I think leaving my job was one of the most radical changes in my whole life! Being a business is wonderful – and if anyone has any work they need me to do please let me know!!

I have had a lot of accomplishments this year. I had five books published in 2024! They were three new titles in the Awesome guides for amazing autistic kids’ series – one on autistic pride, one on feelings and emotions and one on relationships with friends and family. These were coauthored with the awesome Tanya Masterman and illustrated by the equally awesome Glynn Masterman. I also had In Our Words (with Wayne Herbert and thirteen amazing contributors) and The Neurodivergent Blogger published by Lived Places Publishing. I see a pleasantly healthy royalty payment or two in my future! I do love the books. If I could choose to do only do one thing in my working life it would be to write the books

I also became an academic at two universities. No idea how I managed that, but it is pretty cool. I created a course on autism in adulthood for My Life My Decisions which we have run once and are now advertising it for a second time. Here is a link if you are interested – and it isn’t just for students – https://mylifemydecisions.org/courses-page/

I spent the year continuing to bond with Sunflower the cat (who is currently sitting on my foot and purring loudly!). She is so lovely. She doesn’t have any aggression in her. Even the vet calls her ‘princess’ probably because instead of attacking her (as Mr Kitty was notorious for among every vet he ever met), Sunflower thinks the vet is a new friend needing cuddles and purrs! In January I got a tattoo of Sunflower and Mr Kitty on my right arm which is a lovely thing – and probably confirms me as a crazy cat person!

I did loads of talks for different organisations including three as part of Spring Out (Canberra Queer festival held in November each year) and two for I-Day. I MC’ed the Disability Leadership Oration and watched my second TEDx talk quite a lot of times (In my defence it is a good TED talk, even if I did it!!!) I made lots of art and started seeing a wonderful art therapist who has provided me with some great strategies around anxiety.

I added more artworks and ‘nice things’ to Yennski HQ. It really is the second-most Yenn place in the world (the first being the inside of my funny author Yennski brain!!). I learned things, met new friends and sadly farewelled at least one person who decided that they really dislike me – which I am sure is their loss!

I got myself a new passion / fandom which is the Borg in Star Trek. I hadn’t had a proper autistic passion for many years, so it was lovely to get a new one, albeit a very niche fandom! I think I have purchased most of the existing Borg merchandise in the world already. And if anyone wants to buy me a gift then anything Borg-related would be very much appreciated and would give great joy.

At this point in time, life as Yenn is pretty good. Had you told me at this time last year that I would quit my secure job and go it alone I would have been rather surprised! I think I did the right thing even if it is a little scary. I know I did the right thing. My former job was destroying me, and I was utterly miserable. Now my only problem – my ONLY problem – is a slight concern about getting enough work and I know on logical level that I am a very employable person plus I have all the necessary cards and clearances for employment so it is unlikely I will ever be unemployed unless there is a situation where my mental health or other issues make work impossible.

This year I turned fifty. Pretty much nobody believes this. I always say that there are two things people don’t believe about me – my age and that I spent time in prison in my youth. I assure you that both things are correct, even if they seem highly unlikely! Most people tell me they think that I am in my thirties – and I guess maybe people are fooled by the purple hair and tattoos and proliferation of pride-related accessories (including on my walking stick which has Queer Pride stickers all over it). I am not really 50 in my mind. I feel like I am probably about 22. Despite that I know I really have been on this planet for over ½ century and it is almost certain that there will be fewer birthdays in the future than in the past.

When I was 25, I completely changed my life and made a clear decision to seek out positive things. Now at fifty I suppose I am doing a similar thing, albeit in a different sort of context. Let’s see what the next 25 years bring! One scary – and wonderful – thing about life is that we don’t know what happens next. So here is to my big adventure in the future, learning new things, meeting lovely people, making art, writing things and cuddling kitty.

Anxiety – a companion but not a friend

Like many autistic and otherwise neurodivergent folks I am quite good at being anxious! I can worry about anything. A recent example relates to the wonderful course I have created on Autism in Adulthood. This thing is amazing. Students in the initial tranche told us how much they enjoyed it and found it helpful. Yesterday we went out for the next tranche of the course and advertised it all over the place. You would imagine this is a good thing? Um, cue Yennski’s anxiety….

I worried that nobody would enrol in the course and then I worried that I had upset my colleague despite there being zero evidence for either of these things! I was so worried that I applied for two public service jobs this morning, thinking I wouldn’t be able to support myself as a business. Ugh. I always say I could worry for Australia!

Anxiety does not listen to logic. If it did psychologists would be unemployed! While it cna be unpleasant and even dangerous, anxiety is a valid emotion and has a very useful evolutionary purpose. Imagine the difference between a person who has capacity to be anxious seeing a tiger running towards them and about to attack. They would either try to fight back or run away from it or hide – these would all be very useful actions to take when under physical threat, fulled by anxiety and the chemical reactions that take place when a person is under threat or believes themselves to be under threat. Then imagine someone with no capacity for anxiety meeting the tiger. They might say ‘oh what a majestic kitty. Can I pat you?’ presumably followed by the tiger enjoying an unexpected lunch of the human variety!

While we need a degree of anxiety for self-protection, having too much – and having it on an ongoing basis – can be very damaging. People in prehistoric times probably encountered an anxiety-provoking situation for a few minutes or an hour and then the threat was addressed so they didn’t need to keep being anxious. However, these days anxiety can go on for days, months or indefinitely. If you have a workplace where there is bullying, every time you go to work your anxiety will peak and stay at a high level until you go home – and even then it will probably follow you wherever you go. If you have financial issues you might be anxious about that all the time. Ongoing / prolonged anxiety can be very damaging.

I have a few mental health conditions including generalised anxiety. I had this for decades before anyone picked up on it and thought it would benefit from some treatment. At the age of 47 I finally got medicated for anxiety and it made an instant difference. Anxiety used to be constant for me but now it is less of an issue. I also used to feel anxiety as a very physical thing. I would feel tightness in my head and ‘butterflies’ in my stomach. Now my anxiety manifests as tiredness which for some reason I find preferable.

Anxiety as a mental health issue is often discounted as ‘just anxiety’ – as if it is of lesser impact than other mental health issues. This is unhelpful. It is especially unhelpful for me as prolonged and extreme anxiety turns into psychosis meaning I cannot do anything much for about two years and which is very unpleasant and frightening.

I have developed a range of strategies to address my anxiety. These include:

‘Trump’s at the door!’ When I was in a residential mental health service a while ago the worker told me I could imagine thoughts that cause anxiety as being someone knocking on my door. I couldn’t help them being there but I could decide whether or not to let them in! I adapted this to be more Yenn-friendly and decided the thoughts were Donald Trump at my door and there was no way known I would let him in! So now when I get worried with anxiety I say to myself ‘Trump’s at the door!’ – effective and amusing all at once!
Distraction. This is to my mind the gold standard in mental health strategies. Focussing on something other than the anxiety (or other issue). It works really well for me and I recommend it as a strategy.
Medication. Anxiety meds have changed my life. Please don’t ask me which I take because different meds work differently with different people. I would say be careful of regular usage of the benzo-diazepine family of meds (e.g. Xanax, Valium etc) as they can be highly addictive – although they can be effective as an infrequent thing or when Ia person is in crisis.
Worry journal / time. This one works by getting you to decide to put off worrying except for a at certain time of day – for me it is 5:30pm. Write your worry in a journal and work out strategies and mitigations during your worry time and then put off any further worries until worry time the next day. I always doubted the effectiveness of this strategy until I tried it but I actually now find it really helpful.
Be prepared and willing to accept help.
Practice breathing exercises – these can involve slowing your breath or being aware of your breath. I know a lot of people don’t enjoy meditation or mindfulness (including me) but there are some many methods of meditation and breathing exercises that it should be possible to find one that works for you!

Everyone has different anxiety strategies that work for them. I have been building my arsenal of anxiety strategies for a long time and I have found it helps to approach these things with an open mind and hope that they will work.

Anxiety is a serious thing which requires understanding, treatment and support. Autistic folks are particularly prone to anxiety given that the world is so frequently not very neuroaffirming or inclusive for us which can exacerbate anxiety as can a lack of understanding of autism and anxiety from clinicians. More understanding of autistic experience and mental health across the board would help address this.