25 years on – or the other thing that nobody believes about me

Last week I was advised that my working with Children Check in Victoria had been approved. For most people this would be a formality and not cause for anxiety or stress but not me. What\ever I apply for these sorts of things – and as a former career public servant this has occurred quite frequently – I am filled with dread, self-doubt and judgement and blame. Why? Well, the Yennski police history has more things on it than it should (as more than zero!) Between 1994 and 1999 I was a criminal. A real one involving lot of prison and whatnot. There are tow things people don’t believe about me – my age and my criminal history. I can absolutely guarantee that I am fifty and when I was 20-25 I was involved in criminal activities. I have a book about it! (the criminal activities not the age. I don’t think anyone would buy a book about my age!)

I am certainly not proud of this part of my life. My last conviction was in September 1999, and I have not so much as jaywalked since then. In 1999 I turned 25. I had seen a lot nastier stuff in my youth than most people my age. I got involved in drugs and crime due to a partner who was older than me and very dangerous. By the time I worked out just HOW dangerous I knew I was in too deep and knew his plans and feared for my safety should I leave, so I went along with him. I was arrested with him for a robbery and spent six months in jail. After I was released, I was so damaged and traumatised. I had spent six months as an autistic prisoner, trying to work out what criminals expected – and particularly what made them angry! I masked at an Oscar-winning level and the whole situation resulted in me feeling the need to self-medicate with various drugs.

The drug use was pretty intense and after less than a year I was very unwell with what would shortly be diagnosed as schizophrenia. I have the same diagnosis 30 years later and have taken some pretty brutal medications for that entire 30 years and will probably take them for the rest of my life. I spent the next four years in and out of institutions – prisons and hospital – and my life was unliveable. In 1999 things had started to shift in my mind. I decided that a new millennium should equal a new life for me. When I was released in February 2000, I had worked out that I didn’t want an institutional life anymore and that things needed to change,

In 2001 I was living in mental health residential care. I. lived in a very nice suburb and saw people down the street who clearly had very good jobs. I realised that maybe I could one day have a job and a mortgage and a suit! Within eight years I had all those things. Yup, go Yennski!!

I try to remember my early life when I meet people who are struggling with their own. I have gone from being a desperate prisoner with no money, no job and no education – and for a while no home – to being a ridiculous over-achiever with a mortgage, lots of art, qualifications, a good work history – and a very good cat! Yesterday I was in Civic and there was an older person using a walker with a very skinny dog. I am pretty sure they were homeless. I regret to say that I tried to keep my distance but then the person called out that they liked my tattoos. So, I ended up having a lovely conversation with them and met their dog – whose name was Honey (‘honey by name honey by nature’ apparently).

While it is really easy to judge and assume, especially with people who look a bit ‘iffy.’ But even people who are ‘iffy’ are deserving of respect and kindness. And maybe that ‘iffy’ person – the prisoner the addict, the homeless person – is not deserving of judgement and assumptions but instead for kindness, love and support. Those attributes demonstrated by people in my own life were the main reason I am where I am now – and that I am even around at all! I don’t mean that all people involved in the criminal justice system or who are homeless or dependent on drugs should write a bunch of books and give two TEDx talks and win awards of course! What I mean is that how we treat people – our judgements and assumptions as well as our kindness and inclusion – can make a big difference in their lives. In my life the main people doing the loving and kindness were my parents. Anyone who knows my parents knows that they are the best and they saved my life – or enabled me to save my own life anyway!

I am grateful for the support I have received, and I am also grateful for my ability to let go of blame and that I try to avoid doing a lot of judging and assuming – about others or myself. So, 25 years ago my life was very different indeed and now I have mostly a very good and satisfying life. Big Yennski yay to that! And if my twenty-something self met me now, well I suspect that would be rather surprised!! Although actually they would probably ask me for money!

Schizophrenia and me – why I embrace my ‘other’ diagnosis

On this day thirty years ago, I can tell you what I was doing and pretty accurately. I was a very recently released ex-prisoner – long story! (refer to my autobiography for more details – Finding a different kind of normal) I was staying with friends who were not criminals. I was utterly miserable and took comfort in my best friend at the time – cannabis! This friend had a few ‘cousins’ that I was also friendly with – amphetamines and LSD! Shortly after this day in 1995 my housemate’s asked me to leave as they were worried I would attract police attention due to my drug use. It took a while to find a new home – amazingly most share house tenants looking for a new housemate didn’t want a drug addled ex prisoner! Who knew?? I ended up in a boarding house. It was one of the loneliest times of my life. Shortly after that I moved in with my drug dealer – I know hey, how could that possibly go wrong??

I was traumatised by my recent six month stay at her majesty’s hotel and managed my troubles through becoming a person described by peers as ‘the most prolific and generous dope smoker in Melbourne’. Now a lot of people have periods of their life where they manage issues through self-medicating with drugs. I think the majority of these people probably come out the other side and get on with their life. However some drug users – like 21 year old Yennski – have a genetic makeup which results in drug use triggering psychosis. For many of these people – in this case a group which does NOT include me – have one episode of psychosis and never have another one. Sadly, for me I have an illness thirty years after this started. I need to be constantly vigilant around looking after my mental health. I have been taking heavy duty medication since 1995 – more about that soon.

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia shortly after the episode in the druggie house – and we all got evicted from the druggie house, so I spent some time homeless. I had not understood of what my illness involved. I was advising by pretty much everyone in my life to stop doing drugs but sadly it wasn’t that easy and it took me another ten years to completely stop using drugs.

My illness is not my friend. It frightens me and threatens my welfare and sometimes even my life. I have spent around three years of my life in hospitals and a further three years in mental health residential services and a further four years in prison. I remember going to court for crimes and my lovely lawyer – the awesome Vince – showing the magistrate photos of my artwork and telling them that I was a former art student. The magistrate on every one of these occasions would say how sad they were that there was no appropriate place for me and that jail was the only available option.

So, I have spent 20 per cent of my life in institutional care (and I used that term lightly!) These days my life is very different. I still have my illness, and I still take medication every day, but I am also in place where I am considered ‘successful’ and an overachiever.

I take a medication called Clozapine. This medication is pretty much the last line of defence for treatment-resistant schizophrenia. I avoided going on it for many years because in many ways it is a scary medication. There are some side effects from clozapine which are life threatening. There is a high level of maintenance for this drug to ensure those side effects don’t occur – monthly blood tests, annual echocardiograms and biannual ECGs. I have now been on Clozapine for just over five years. When I started taking it, I was in hospital. It has to be closely monitored for 18 weeks after commencing treatment so almost people start taking it in hospital and I was in hospital anyway! I would look at the pills in my hand and say ‘please be my friend little Clozapines’. And five years later I can say that those little Clozapines have become a very good friend. I have not been psychotic since them – an amazing achievement. They also help with sleep and anxiety so extra yay to that! I actually regret not going on Clozapine earlier.

I have been told that there are three different experiences of schizophrenia I terms of episodes of illness– one where you have one episode of psychosis and that is all, the other is where you have periodic episodes of psychosis, but it is mostly controlled with meds and lifestyle and the third where someone is unwell all the time. I am sad that mine wasn’t the first option but very relieved I am not the third one!

People often don’t believe my diagnosis when I am well. I certainly don’t fit the stereotype – although who does? Stereotypes are pretty unhelpful! I am a bit of an anomaly though. In terms of achievements, I am impressive regardless of any psychosocial issues. People can be really ableist and unhelpful around schizophrenia though. People often don’t disclose at work. When I was s public servant, I had a number of people tell me very quietly when nobody else was around that they had schizophrenia or bipolar but ‘please don’t tell anyone’. I had a young woman in a residential care place I was at tell me she had just been diagnosed with schizophrenia and asked me what it meant in terms of her future. I told her it didn’t really need to mean anything in terms of things like her capability to engage in work or study and that I had done both and done them well. There is so much negative messaging and assumptions around this illness and I would love to smash these so to speak!

My ‘other’ diagnosis is part of me just like my Autism and ADHD identities. The stigma and bias around schizophrenia is significant. ‘Psychosis’ is so frequently used incorrectly to describe violence and representation in media usually has characters with schizophrenia as being dangerous at worst and burdens on society at best. I think we have a long way to go in terms of understanding and inclusion. I for one am out loud and proud as a person with schizophrenia. I work and live independently and pay a mortgage. No that those things necessarily denote life success, but I find them fulfilling and they are in contradiction of the stereotype. Yup I will keep trying to challenge those sorts of assumptions and stereotypes as I think they stop people from being willing to share their experience and feel good about themselves.

This is a drawing i made in hospital in 2019. Unwell Yennski tends to be very creative!

Loneliness and Yenn – with a nod to Star Trek Voyager and Seven of Nine

My favourite character in any drama or movie is one of the characters in Star Trek Voyager – a former Borg drone freed form the Borg collective who joins the crew of Voyager called Seven of Nine. For those who don’t share my enthusiasm for all things Trekkie, the Borg are a hostile, cybernetic alien species who go around assimilating people to their collective. They have assimilated thousands of species. The Borg is a hive consciousness, in which billions of drones communicate with one another. A Borg drone is never alone. They have the voices of the collective with them all the time. Oddly enough I often feel like I wouldn’t mind being assimilated by the Borg – I would have the collective knowledge of thousands of species, constant companionship and I would never be alone! For Seven of Nine being separated from her fellow drones was a difficult transition and she complained of loneliness a lot.

When I was younger, I was a bit like Seven of Nine myself. I felt completely alone. I did have friends and family, but few actually ‘got’ me, and my friends often got sick of me and didn’t want to spend time with me any more. I was extremely lonely. I remember in 1992 I was sharing a house with a student, and she moved out leaving me in three-bedroom house by myself. I remember sitting by the phone willing it to ring and free me from being alone! I think at that time I only had two friends that I could talk to and one of them was in the process of distancing themselves from me.

Even when I had friends as a young person the friendships were very one sided and people seemed to get sick of my apparent oddness. I felt like I was an alien on a different planet. This continued for a long time. A bit like Seven of Nine with being separated from the Borg hive mind I found myself in my own hive mind between 1994-1999 – that being prison. It is hard to be lonely in prison. There are lots of people everywhere in prison – fellow inmates, officers, medical staff, programs staff etc. Whenever I was released from jail I would be gripped with overwhelming loneliness. One time I was in a boarding house where I didn’t know anyone. I was in this tiny room by myself. The mental health crisis team would visit with my medication every night and would want them to have a conversation, but they were busy and would leave straight away. I actually longed for jail and the social company it involved.

Form 2000 I stopped doing anything unpleasant and decided to become a law-abiding and upstanding little Yennski. Loneliness was still an issue. In a service for people with mental health issues that I went to directly after prison in 2000, about halfway through the therapy program I was asked to move into a flat by myself after having been in a group home. I had not been alone at that point for several years and I we s terrified. However, I actually did really well and since then I have almost exclusively lived alone, with the exception of a shared house arrangement for a year or so when I moved to Canberra for work in 2007.

In my travels I learned something about loneliness. Boredom is probably the strongest factor driving feelings of loneliness – for me at least. If I have things to do then I am too busy to be lonely. This was a great discovery. The other thing is cats – once again, for me at least. Having a cat can be amazing company and I definitely prefer having a feline house mate than a human one! The other things which helped me was liking and valuing myself. Another thing is assertiveness and boundary setting. When I was younger, I was so desperate for company that I would spend time with anyone – even those who were harmful to me – to avoid loneliness. Now I am a lot more discerning about the company that I choose. In fact, I rarely need to do much boundary setting or address issues with toxic people – I think the level of self-confidence and pride in who I am somehow emanates from me putting off people who might have preyed upon me in the past! Not that predatory behaviour is ever the fault of the victim – more an observation from my own experience.

So, from longing for the phone to ring and seeking the company of anyone at all regardless of their level of toxicity, I am now pretty happy with my own company. Well, my company and Sunflower the kitty’s company I suppose. While in the past I could not have comfortably lived alone even for a few days, now I would struggle to live with others. And what happened to Seven of Nine in Voyager? Like a good Borg, she ‘adapted’ and came to embrace her humanity and individuality and stopped wanting to return to the collective. I guess you can see why I love Seven as much as I do! I also learned that she is something of a lesbian icon – gotta love that as well! I am not sure if I am an icon for anyone… but icon or not, I am pretty happy with the friends and family I have and comfortable with my own company. Had you told me this would happen when I was younger? I would have been quite surprised – hopefully pleased but definitely surprised!

Don’t tell me what I can’t do! – The impact of deficits thinking and disability

For many years I thought I couldn’t manage staff. The reason for this was a housemate I had telling me I could be public servant but I couldn’t manage staff because I am autistic, and autistic people can’t manage staff – apparently! I took this on board and cultivated a lot of internalised ableism around why I must be an absolutely horrible manager due to my autism. Yup, some advocate, I know!! I would never say or think that about other autistic people but when it came to myself, I went along with the assumptions and stereotypes around autism and management. This was over 15 years ago, and it is only very recently that I have realised I am a very good manager of staff! I would avoid going for jobs which involved managing staff thinking I couldn’t do them. I have learned that I am actually a very empathic, respectful, available and effective manager of staff. Feedback on my performance from staff I have managed was overwhelmingly positive. I can have difficult conversations and be supportive. I have also been a harassment contact officer in a government department which involved a lot of people management skills, and I was so good at that I was asked to be one of the two program coordinators for the harassment contact officers! These are not attributes indicative of a poor manager of staff, autistic or otherwise.

This example demonstrates the issue of deficits thinking and stereotypes and assumptions around disability. We get told what we can and can’t do and it mixes around in our brains and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is based very firmly in ableism and doesn’t help anyone, least of all the person with disability. This issue is everywhere and strengthens a lot of unhelpful thinking around disability. It ties in with a number of related issues – infantilisation, inspiration porn and internalised ableism to name a few. This thinking is entrenched and can hold us back from engaging in life and achieving our potential – whatever it may be.

Many people are debilitated not so much by their disability but by this deficit thinking and attitudes. A catalyst in my life which drove me to my career of activism and advocacy was meeting an autistic young person for whom much of the dialogue around their capability was based in deficits thinking a doubting his capability. When I told this person about my work in the public service and that I had written a book, and I was autistic he responded by telling me that I was lying as it was impossible for an autistic person to write books or work in administration! Not only was a I am bit affronted that my life and a career were apparently a lie, but I was also more worried that this person inhabited a world where these things probably were impossible. At this moment I realised that I needed to make a difference and support autistic people to be proud of why they are and to support them to navigate life in whatever domain they like. It is also important to be aware that if someone can’t work or study that doesn’t mean they are deficient. Everyone has different capabilities and things like the capability to work should not be a matter of judgement about someone’s worth.

Deficits rethinking holds people back from navigating life. It impacts on self-confidence and self-esteem. In the example around staff management in my experience it has resulted in me avoiding going for jobs due to my concerns around my management capability when in fact I am a good manager.

These attitudes of deficits thinking and making unhelpful assumptions around the capability of Disabled people don’t help anyone and can drive negative outcomes. I remember being at an event at Parliament House a few years ago. I was there with some of the senior staff at the Autism Cooperative Research Centre. I got into a conversation with a senior executive at one of the major banks. I thought we had a pretty good conversation until she turned away from me and said to the CRC Chair well within my earshot ‘Oh she is very articulate, isn’t she?’ meaning me! I was horrified. What would I be if not articulate? I have a master’s degree and have written 18 books! These ableist attitudes are everywhere. Seeing Disabled people as being somehow less capable and requiring condescension. It is very frustrating and not OK on any level! I often wonder how it could work if I reversed it a paternalized the non-Disabled person? Actually, I should probably do that!!

We need to avoid stereotypes and assumptions around people’s capability based on Disability. I am not going say ‘we have superpowers…’ because to my mind that also feeds into paternalism and inspiration porn. I think we should take people as they are and avoid judgements around capability and definitely avoid deficits thinking. I do have a bunch of deficits but so does everyone else – Disabled and not. I also have a bunch of strengths- as does everyone else – Disabled and not!

All the same and a little bit different – my problem with intelligence

I just had my Sunday NDIS worker come over. I have had her every Sunday for almost two years. She takes me to the laundromat and then grocery shopping. I love this worker, and we get along very well. Today she said something which got me thinking. Apparently, the other NDIS support workers in her office say they don’t want to work with me because I am too intelligent an accomplished and they feel they can’t make conversation with me. This came as a bit of a surprise and a disappointment. I certainly don’t want to intimidate people out of wanting to work with me!

This got me thinking about intelligence and why I don’t really like it as a concept. I want to unpack thoughts on intelligence – whatever that means – and viewing other people through the lens of a hierarchy with some people apparently ‘better’ or ‘more’ or whatever. I have had this issue in the past and it is strange. Firstly, yes, I am accomplished in the transitional sense of the word. I am definitely an overachiever too. However, this is not really all that meaningful in terms of my character or how I experience life. I would rather be kind, respectful and inclusive and able to navigate life with minimal stress and mental health dramas if I was picking personal tributes than intelligent and accomplished!

The whole concept of intelligence is highly fraught as well. It is measured through some unhelpful and confusing methods like IQ tests. ‘Intelligence’ is a loaded and often weaponised term used against people deemed to have ‘low’ intelligence. Intelligence, like disability, is one of those things that is measured as a deviation from a ‘norm’ of being human and as such often results in ableism and discrimination. Plus, it is largely meaningless.

I always think that IQ tests, exams and job interviews are similar in that they only really measure proficiency at the test itself. If you test as having a high IQ then you probably do but if you test as having a low IQ it doesn’t necessarily mean you have a ‘lower’ level of intellect, just that IQ tests are not your ‘thing’! IQ tests are often culturally biased and gendered as well so if you are a white cis gender man you are likely to score higher than others. The whole thing is unhelpful and ableist and when it comes down to it intellect is a poor measure of a person anyway!

I am sad that my previous NDIS workers don’t want to have me on their books due to my intellect and accomplishments. I really am. I never go into a conversation or relationship reflecting on those characteristics and to me it is just being me. I don’t wander around reflecting on how intelligent I am or how accomplished I am. As I mentioned, these things are part of me but they don’t make me better or worse than anyone else. My life can be extremely stressful, and I can struggle to get through every day. My accomplishments don’t really stop that happening. Intellect is a fraught notion along with success and accomplishment. It is better I think to focus more on a person’s character and personality as a measure of their character – or just to respond to people as you find them.

I want to finish with a story from a friend who passed away a couple of years back. This friend ran an organisation supporting non-speech communication. People – usually children – who did not use verbal speech, attended this service. My friend worked with a lot of kids who didn’t speak and who had been given a very low IQ score. However, when my friend re-tested these kids using an assessment tool designed for non-speakers, not only did the kids often score an average IQ but many of them scored above average or very high. This illustrates the issues with IQ tests and the concept of intelligence. How many other kids and adults miss out on accessing what life has to offer due to a test which isn’t tailored to their needs and as such doesn’t accurately measure what it intended to measure – and then what is being measured if not meaningful or helpful? Be very careful when thinking and talking about intellect. It is a concept which is frequently based in a deep level of ableism and is more often than not quite meaningless, not to mention damaging.

Sunflower’s story – a kitty perspective

My name is Sunflower, and I am a tortoiseshell kitty that lives with my Human, Yenn. I haven’t always lived with Yenn. I used to live on the streets in Canberra. I was very little and I had five kittens. Some nice humans rescued me and my kittens. They had a big house and lots of people came to visit me. My Human, Yenn, was the last one to visit and they adopted me – but not my kittens. I was put in a carrier and taken a long way away to my Human’s house. It was very cosy and had lots of art, shiny things and things I could knock on the floor!

My Human talked to me in human. Their spoken cat wasn’t very good, and I needed to teach them how to miaow properly, but I knew they loved me even if their communication was a bit iffy. My Human is an author, consultant and advocate. This means they spend most of their time working on their computer – I sometimes come and ‘help’ – all work needs kitty supervision! I also supervise showers, visits to the toilet an watching TV – feline supervision is always required in these situations!

It took me a while to get used to life with my Human, but they were so loving and tried so many different sorts of cat food until they found some that I liked! For a former street cat I am pretty fussy! They put three bowls of water out because when I drink water, I like to swipe at it with my paws and then lick it off! It means a lot of water goes on the floor!

After a while I got used to life with my Human. When they go to bed, I sit on them for a while and then curl up next though them. I like to walk around the lounge room and then flop onto my side so my Human can give me belly pats. Most cats bite humans that pat their belly but not me. I never bite my human when they do this – I just purr loudly. Whenever they come home after being out – even if only for a few minutes – they sit on the bed, and I come and sit on their lap and purr and then lick their nose! I love to show my love for my Human by licking them! Usually, I lick their hands and toes but sometimes their face too! I used to lick my kittens, and it was my way of telling them I loved them and cared for them so the same goes for my Human!

My Human tells everyone that I am a gentle soul and that there I s no aggression in me. They are right. I am a very calm and contented kitty. When I go to the vet, I make friends with them! The vet even calls me Princess. when I stay at cat boarding, I say hello to anyone who walks past me, and I ask for cuddles. I am a very purry cat. I love to play and not just with toys designated for cats. I also like fidget spinners, the curtains, the modem, shoelaces and jewellery. I also love to chase moths and any other small creepy crawlies. And I like to observe the birds outside. I think I would probably overcome my fear of outside if catching a bird outside was a possibility!

Sometimes I get scared and have to hide. Three things make me scared: thunder, the vacuum cleaner and going outside. When the back door is open, or the vacuum is running or there is a thunderstorm I hide at the very back of the wardrobe! It’s OK though because as soon as the noise or outdoors is no longer an issue I come about and ask for cuddles again!

My Human needs me. They can get quite stressed and sad, and, in those times, they need their kitty friend. My Human has had a lot of cats in the past. Other humans that like cats say my Human is a very good cat parent. One of my Human’s friends said when they die they want to come back as one of Yenn’s cats! I am a happy and contented little furry person. My Human has lots of names for me – smoochy pie, Missy Moo, Furry pants, Smooch-pot, furry, Versmoochen and a bunch of others! I love my Human and I am delighted that they chose me as their kitty.

I hope you liked my story – and purrrrrrrrrrr

Six years of being Yenn – name, identity and pride

Content warning – transphobia and hatred

On 11 February 2019 I was at work. My job was in education program compliance in the Australian Public Service which paid the bills but wasn’t really very exciting! I suddenly thought ‘Yenne’? I wrote it down, but it was not quite there. Then I wrote ‘Yenn’ and bingo! I will unpack this a little. I came out as non-binary in 2018 and my name was an issue. Actually, my name had ALWAYS been an issue. I didn’t like it, and it didn’t sit with me, but I never had reason to consider changing it. In 2018 I kept trying to think of a better name for myself, but nothing worked so I decided to leave it to my subconscious. And yay to my subconscious for coming up with such as excellent name! It came to me on 11 February 2019 and has been a welcome part of my identity ever since.

When I thought about Yenn I realised it satisfied a number of things. It was a name that didn’t conjure thoughts of a specific gender, at least in Australia. To yen in poetry is to yearn and I do a lot of self-reflection so that worked nicely, and it included several letters from my ‘dead name’. (And please don’t ask me to say what my dead name is. I really don’t like to do so. If you type my name into Amazon, then my dead name is on my earlier books, but I don’t like to think about it or say it and it does not define who I am).

My name is one of my favourite things about me. Lots of fellow trans folks have told me that it is a great name, and I agree with them. It is a core part of my identity and my pride in being transgender and non-binary and I am proud to be me – extremely proud. We live in an increasingly transphobic world where some – and I use this term very lightly – leaders are filled with hate for transgender people. My name helps connect me with my trans siblings and every time I use my name it is an expression of pride and inclusion.

My Yenn name is so much ‘me’. I love it and I always have. Often someone will ask where I ‘come from’ presumably meaning what country my name is from. I replay that my name came from my brain! Gotta love my Yennski brain. That thing is formidable – and problematic at times but I like to focus on the good bits rather than the bits which have resulted in lots of psych hospital stays over the years! I guess those bits of my brain have a purpose to serve as well.

Being trans and in my fifties is a funny thing. I have trans friends who are in their fifties or older but when I attend trans pride events a large number of the participants are of an age that my kids would have been if I had kids! People ask why I left it so long to come out and I answer that when I was a young person there was not a lot of knowledge around transgender and non-binary identities. I came out as non-binary about a year after I learned it was a ‘thing’. Better late than never, I guess!

Yenn is a wonderful name, and it lends itself to a number of nicknames and amusing terms – Yenniverse, Yennsiversary, Yennie, Yennski, Yeme, Yenntastic! A friend recently commented on my collecting Y-themed things and very astutely said that when I had my deadname I didn’t collect J-themed things! I do love my Y things!

I am immensely proud of all my various identities and experiences, but I also know that there are a lot of people who would hate me and even do violence against me because of the simple fact of my gender as evidenced by my lovely Yennski name. This baffles me. I don’t do hatred. I don’t even really do anger very often. And another person’s gender is really nobody else’s business. I responded to a question on a recent podcast about autism and gender. I said:

Trans people are not for some reason trying to steal the benefits of feminism. We do not have a sinister agenda – or any agenda. Being trans is not a choice and many of the people who detransition do so as a response to hatred and bigotry rather than ‘changing their minds!’ Autistic people can – and do – know their gender. All we want is inclusion and respect and getting the same rights that everyone else has. And we are not recruiting!!

Yep – what Yennski said.

About rejection sensitivity – not a flaw or failing

I have been working on an area which is relatively new to me – Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or rejection sensitivity. What is this you ask? Well, a quick Google tells me that: Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. This condition is linked to ADHD and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. Those differences mean your brain can’t regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviours, making them much more intense.

Thanks, Google!

I actually think it isn’t just ADHDers who experience this. I think a fair number of autistic people – and others – probably do too. I myself am an AuDHDer and I know lot of others when experience this too.

Actually, the description of RSD sounds so like me you wouldn’t believe it! I am terrified of criticism and feedback. Receiving constructive criticism is one of my absolute least favourite things! It makes me stressed, catastrophise and makes my self-esteem take a nose-dive. I don’t even like waiting for what I am fairly certain will be positive feedback! And making errors and mistakes fills me with existential dread. While part of my message as an author and advocate is for people to make positives out of failure and setbacks, I am not always following my own advice. It makes professional employment very challenging – and was a large contributing factor to me leaving one of my previous jobs.

A lot of people don’t understand this condition. They see it as a character flaw or something which can be changed through willpower alone. However, I know that I cannot change this part of being me just by applying some positive thinking – if I could I most definitely would as rejection sensitive dysphoria is very unpleasant and potentially very limiting. It also relates to people pleasing and other attributes often viewed as a character flaw or failing.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I actually quite like my ADHD as it involves lots of really nifty attributes which make it possible for me to do the things I do. However is RSD is part of being AuDHD it is a part I would gladly do without!

Rejection sensitivity is a relatively newly described experience. Just like ten or fifteen years ago people said that ADHD and autism were not actual things but excuses for poorly behaved children or rudeness, so too RSD now is often viewed that way. Wouldn’t it be nice not to have to justify yourself as a neurodivergent person!!

RSD impacts a range of settings and relationships. The more obvious ones are in employment and education as these involve performance discussions and feedback on assessments. These things provide RSD with a wonderful opportunity to be unpleasant to whoever is experiencing it. However, it also related to friendships and relationships. I had an absolute doozy this afternoon. I have been working closely with some people. They are lovley and I am really enjoying working with them. They sent me some messages which I didn’t get to until today. I responded and waited, and they didn’t respond. My first thought was that I must have upset them or done something wrong. When they did contact me, they told me they were at an event interstate and hadn’t seen my messages! This made sense and was a much more likely explanation than me doing some dreadful thing, offending them and them ghosting me! I kept trying to address my anxiety and say to myself that there was a reasonable explanation, and I couldn’t think of anything I had done but the experience was very real! People pleasing is something people with RSD are often told they do. Worrying about getting it wrong combined with communication differences in autism and ADHD make it a real issue.

I used to have a job with managers who didn’t like me much and were quite critical o regular occasions. The amount of negative feedback I got was immense and had a huge negative impact on my sense of self and my confidence. I was told that my trouble with feedback was basically an affectation, and I was being deliberately difficult. I left that job because I figured no job was worth constant misery and stress. These days I mostly work for myself, and it is lovley. I think employers and educators particularly need to understand what RSD is, how it impacts people and know that it is not a flaw or failing. It ties in closely with other kinds of anxiety as well as low self-esteem and impostor syndrome. It is not one of my attributes that I view as a positive. Quite the opposite. If there was a cure for Autism or ADHD I would not take it but if there was one for RSD, I would be lining up all day to get it! And also, when I am struggling with this I reflect that cats do not judge, blame or give any kind of critical feedback. If in doubt cuddle a cat. Actually, I think dogs are pretty good at this too.

Interesting times – why I am transgender and proud whatever happens

Trigger warning: Transphobic hatred, bigotry, Trump

I am transgender and non-binary. This is not a secret, nor should it be. My gender and identity are a source of joy and celebration for me. I do not like closets because they are dark and isolating and scary. I want everyone else who is trans to be happy and proud of who they are and not afraid to come out through fear of bigotry and transphobia from others. I am someone who has been out loud and proud as Queer since 1991, and I have no intention to change that.

I feel the need to be up front about some things. Being transgender is not ‘unnatural’. If was there would be no transgender people. Being trans is not a fad or phase. It is not due to coercion from militant trans people. It is not caused by being around other trans people, looking at trans content or even watching The Matrix. It is not a reason for shame or guilt. Being trans is not a ‘sin’. To my knowledge – and I grew up very religious, so I have read the Bible several times in my youth – there is no mention of being transgender as a sin in the Bible, plus why on earth do we need to pay attention to a book that was written between over 2000 years ago! Being trans is definitely not a case of trans women somehow wanting to ‘steal’ all the benefits of feminism. That one always baffles me, and I suspect the people who make that pernicious statement know full well that they are actually saying those things to lend validity to what is basically hatred plain and simple.

I know I will be trolled for this post, and I actually don’t really care. I don’t care about trolling because things have shifted to my mind. I have always been on the receiving end of transphobia, homophobia and hatred but at this point in history things seems to have gotten even more serious than they were in the past. We have a political ‘leader’ – who is about as much a real leader as my cat is an aardvark I might add – who hates us and has made public statements threatening trans folks. Pardon the colourful language but this shit just got even more serious than it was – and it has always been pretty serious anyway.

We are now actually expecting Queer refugees from the USA due to all the state-sanctioned hatred and discrimination. Seriously what has happened to the world? I will not stand by and watch this and not do anything. I know there isn’t a huge amount I can do but anything I can do I will. I wear pride pins most of the time. I share what I hope to be a message of respect and inclusion with my public profile. It isn’t really an enormous public profile, but I think it can help. There is that statement ‘Evil triumphs when good people do nothing’. I am not planning on standing by a watching and saying nothing as these horrors occur. I can’t help but wonder what is in the future and how bad things could become. It is way beyond any horror scenario I could have imagined already.

I am trans, I am proud, and I am not going to watch hell uphold without saying something. I do think that trans folks face a lot of hatred anyway and we are a highly discriminated against group – all the more reason to stand up and be counted. I worry for our world for many reasons but the one that involves my trans siblings – and let’s face it, me as well, facing hatred and violence makes me angry and sad. I fail to understand hate on any grounds but someone’s gender seems such a strange thing for bigots to care about. I always say that whatever happens in terms of respect and inclusion we cannot be complacent. Inclusion does not travel a clear linear path in time from discrimination to inclusion and things naturally get better. It doesn’t work like that and there is no reason for complacency. I am going to keep doing what I do around inclusion and fighting hatred – minor though my reach, power and influence might be.

And as I have your attention, here is a link to my 2023 TEDx talk about Autigender: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSC1P49jOec

Crime and punishment – beyond blame and vengeance

Yesterday I was walking from my workplace to the tram stop and I felt someone grab me from behind. I then found myself face to face with an old man who accused me of stealing his drugs and cigarettes. He grabbed my handbag and tried to take it off me. I resisted and yelled out that I was being attacked. Thankfully the man ran off when I yelled, but I felt very shaken. It was a very scary and unexpected experience.

This experience got me thinking about crime and society and things like that. Initially I thought about my would-be mugger. Presumably he has a pretty crappy life and probably wasn’t in a good frame of mind when he attacked me. Not that this excuses violence and picking on Yennski who was just trying to get home to feed their kitty, but it did help me to get past judging him. Happy people don’t generally get involved in criminal behaviour.

Then I thought about myself and my own aberrant behaviour in the past. There are two things about me that nobody believes – that I am fifty years old and that in my youth I was a prisoner. I look pretty different from to most people’s assumptions around criminals and prisoners but I can assure you that between 1994 and 1999 I had ‘Victorian Government’ written on my towels, my correspondence was opened by officers and I was only referred – to by the officers – at least – as ‘Purkis’.

I should say here that I had untreated schizophrenia, and I had a big illicit drug problem. In sociological terms I was definitely oppressed. In terms of intersectionality, prisoners are generally a pretty roundly oppressed group! To say that crime is simply an individual poor choice is simplistic and unhelpful.

Crime has both a social and an individual element. By this I mean that society impacts on criminal behaviour – research demonstrates that a large percentage of criminals come from a small number of postcodes. Being oppressed in other areas can end up meaning that someone commits crimes. In Australia, first Nations people are extremely overrepresented in the prison population. To my mind this isn’t because First Nations peoples are particularly poorly behaved – there is a bunch or evidence around a number of elements which impact on rates in incarceration for different oppressed groups.

The social element of crime is really clear but there is also an individual element. People do make choices to commit crimes. So, society has a big impact on crime, but the induvial choices people make is also a factor / determinant of criminal behaviour. Ah yes, nuance! Nuance in this space in my experience is rare. The attitudes of a lot of people – and media commentators – is ‘criminals are bad and should be punished.’ It would be an easier problem to address of it was that simple!

For me, my shameful history makes me very sad. I have a lot of remorse and dislike media attention in case anyone I victimised in my early life sees me and feels triggered or is (probably justifiably) angry that someone like me gets opportunities. What got me involved in crime was a relationship with a man ten years older than me who was a very scary criminal. I got so involved with him that I was afraid d to leave so I committed crimes with him and we both went to jail. After that I was so traumatised by being constantly in fear of my safety in jail that I self-medicated with illicit drugs. This resulted in me getting a diagnosis of schizophrenia – which I have still 30 years later. I ended up in hospital with psychosis and was delusional thinking that prison was s a depression cure. You would be surprising how easy it is to get in jail if you want to, even when you are psychotic! Thus began over three years as a prisoner. I became the most self-destructive and desperate person you could imagine. [And I should note that psychosis does not necessarily make a person violent or result in aggressive behaviour. People experiencing psychosis are actually a very vulnerable group.] My life was hellish and miserable.

If it is easy to get INTO the criminal worlds then it is difficult to overcome this! I spent many years trying to change my life. I went to university, wrote a book and ended up as a commonwealth public servant. Whenever I go for a job I need to prove myself through police checks an such forth. I have never been refused any of these clearances, but the process always fills me with stress – and takes a while due to the need for risk assessments!

I will never be the person who seeks vengeance around criminal behaviour. I know what it is like on both sides of the law. I know that many criminals are desperate and oppressed and overwhelmingly powerless. Being in the criminal world and all it entails results in being completely disempowered at least in a social sense.

So, while being attacked in the street yesterday was unsettling and unpleasant and scary, I have some empathy for the perpetrator. Presumably he was having a very crappy day and may have been unwell with psychosis or other mental health issues just like myself in the 1990s.

I firmly believe that the concept of justice reinvestment – where public money is diverted from building new prisons and put instead into development for the small number of neighbourhoods which are disproportionally represented in numbers of criminals. There is evidence that this approach is beneficial in reducing crime. I so don’t think ‘fixing’ crime should involve harsh punishment – in fact that doesn’t seem to make a difference. I am not a person who seeks blame and vengeance and if supporting criminals and their communities reduces crime then let’s do that! I got free from my own time in prisons and the criminal world when I accessed a mental health support live-in program on release from jail in early 2000. Rather than blaming and punishing me this service supported me to become who I am – author, TEDx speaker, community advocate, artist and consultant. I tend to think 2025 Yennski is probably a good thing to have around the place!