20 years since Finding a Different Kind of Normal: Being an advocate, trying to change the world and those sorts of things…

I am Yenn – author of 18 published books, international keynote and TEDx presenter, social media presence, cat lover and all-round autistic trailblazer – which are all rather odd things to say about yourself! I have been an autistic advocate for twenty years this year. The catalyst for my somewhat changed life from poverty to renowned advocate was my friendship with the late great autistic author and advocate Polly Samuel. It was mostly brought about Polly through supporting me to write the first serious piece of writing I ever did, what would become my first book, the autobiography Finding a Different Kind of Normal. To say the book changed my life would be an understatement of a very high order!

So, if you get in your TARDIS, Delorian or other patented time machine and set the coordinates for early 2005 you will meet a very different version of Yenn. This Yenn had a different name and a very different life to the version of Yenn writing this post! Yenn in the early 2000s was poor – living in public. I was recovering from a very traumatic and shameful criminal past which, then at least, was quite recent.  However, I might have been poor and have a horrible past, but I was also aspirational. I was doing a Master’s degree and had plans to escape poverty. I even used to look at real estate websites imagining that I would one day be able to purchase a home, despite the fact that at the time I was living in poverty with minimal savings.

At around this time lots of people said that I should write my autobiography because my life was apparently interesting. I didn’t want this. I figured a book about my life, criminal history and all, would result in judgement and criticism. Then I met Polly Samuel. Polly said if I wrote my life story it would be for the parents of autistic young people who are caught up in the criminal justice system who felt ashamed to engage in the parent community as they feared judgment. If I wrote it, according to Polly, my book would be for this group of parents. It didn’t take me long to realise that would include my own parents, so I went ahead and wrote the book.

It took me four weeks to write the book. It was intense and cathartic. At the time it was the most impressive thing I had ever done. I didn’t really think it would be published but Polly sent the manuscript to her publisher, and it didn’t take them long to accept it. I was a real author. Wow! The funny thing is that I have only had one judgemental response to the book in the past twenty years!

The book helped me to build my confidence and within a few months of its publication I applied for ‘real’ jobs in the public service and was successful. Had it not been for the book and the confidence it gave me I would not have applied for any professional jobs. My life would have been very different!

In the twenty years since I wrote the book, I have had a load of amazing experiences and become a sought-after autistic author and advocate. I now have 18 published books including 13 with Jessica Kingsley Publishers. I have become a sought-after autistic advocate and speaker, and I now have my own business as a consultant and coach. In the past twenty years I have owned two properties, given two TEDx talks, spent 17 years in the public service in many different roles. I have worked with some amazing people – too many to name them all.  I have received a number of awards and I am even featured on a mural in Canberra featuring ‘local heroes’. (This makes me laugh as I looked up the other people featured on the mural. One was a police officer who saved 15 people in a flood….and then there is me. I sit at my laptop and write memes and blog posts of reflections from the perspective of my cat! Probably not really very heroic.) There is even a Yenn cocktail which was created for an author event at a gin distillery! And if you are interested, I think it contains gin, raspberry, grenadine and lime. It was pretty tasty. People ask me for advice and I am mentoring and coaching a number of people. I often get asked to do cool things. I have been part of a podcast for Audible alongside comedians Tom Ballard and Susie Yousuf and I was on the judging panel for the Australian Podcast Awards alongside comedian Meshell Lawrie as few years ago. I have launched many books – my own and others’. I have a pretty enviable life although it is not necessarily easy particularly as I have significant mental health issues requiring medication and management and seeing professionals on a regular basis.

I gave someone a Yenn business card the other day. The description of my job on my card is ‘Autistic and ADHD advocate, coach, author and consultant’. The person receiving my card said ‘I want your job!’. I want my job too! I have the best job in the world at the moment and my first book was a major factor in me getting to where I am.

People often ask me if it is hard to write a book. It isn’t for me because I love writing and am actually quite good at it! Whether it is hard or not, I think writing your life story can be a wonderful thing to do, regardless of whether you publish it. I don’t generally read my content after it is released into the world, but I have read the autobiography a couple of times. I am struck by how much I have forgotten about things that happened in the past which I had included in the book! I guess that reflects the catharsis involved in writing it. I used the book to exorcise some demons I suppose.  

People love my autobiography. I know advocates who have read it and said that it inspired them to become advocates and / or authors themselves. There is a band called The Velvet Underground which was active in the 1960s. They produced a record which was not widely purchased when it first came out. One of the band members said that very small numbers of people bought their album but everyone that did started a band after hearing it. That’s sort of how I feel about my autobiography. It is not well-subscribed. I have many books that have sold considerably more copies than my autobiography but for me my first book remains my most meaningful, the one I feel the most fondly about. I know a lot of people for whom my autobiography was the first autism book they read and it changed their lives. That is something I feel very proud about and I am so glad my work helps other people.  

It is a lovely book, and I have been told it is very readable. People often tell me that they meant to read one chapter and then find themselves at 4am having read the whole thing in one sitting! If I wrote it again it would be different, but I think it benefits from being my first serious piece of writing. It is more raw, more immediate. I once received negative feedback saying that it ‘wasn’t helpful and it was just stories’ to which I would respond that stories and narratives are actually extremely helpful. We learn through stories. We are narrative creatures and communication often involves anecdotes, reflection and stories. History is simply a collection of stories. As such I give you my story such as it was twenty years ago. Enjoy. https://woodslane.com.au/products/9781843104162?_pos=9&_sid=aaef2dcea&_ss=r  

Generational differences and autism

I often say that I am the youngest older person that I know! This year I turned 50 which presumably is on the older side of middle age. I don’t feel middle-aged at all! I feel about 19 and I understand that many other older and middle-aged people also feel about 19. The important thing in this space is that I am NOT 19!  I am of a completely different generation to an actual 19-year-old. I know this because my oldest niece is 18 and the world she inhabits is very different to the one I do! Generational differences are real. I want to unpack my thoughts around these differences and particularly in the autism space.

Shortly after I actually was 19 I turned 20 (I know, amazing!!) It was 1994 and the appropriate diagnosis had existed in the diagnostic literature for less than a year and pretty much nobody had heard of it. The world for a diagnosed – and undiagnosed- autistic person was poles apart from what we have now. Schools had no concept of autism and how they might need to support their students. Thinking around autism was almost entirely negative and at the time I was diagnosed I am pretty sure the term neurodiversity was yet to be coined. The medical model of disability was almost entirely espoused – probably by both clinicians and autistic folks alike. It was a very different world. I was one of the first diagnosed autistic adults in Australia. People these days say I am a ‘trailblazer’ due to my tenure as an advocate, but I think also because I lived in the time I did and everything that went along with it.

I struggled with my lack of an early diagnosis. It actually impacted on my capability to be a good advocate at times. One of these was when I was at a panel event and there were parents talking about the positive interventions in school for their autistic kids and how these needed to be expanded. I was torn for agreeing with the parents that interventions and supports needed to be expanded and feeling very jealous that nothing like that existed when I was in school!

People in my age group and a little younger often get their autism diagnosis in their thirties or forties – often when their kids get a diagnosis. I think within the ranks of autistic folks this group of autistic parents probably forms a specific demographic and generation of autistic people. Then there are young adults, teens, tweens and kids – all groups that I love to write books for incidentally! The difference between being diagnosed and not – and also knowing you are autistic or not – makes a big impact on how autistic people navigate life. These considerations can cross generations.

In wider society – beyond the ranks of autistic people – there are also distinct generational differences, and these also affect autistic people form each group. I do think we need to be careful around generational differences though, as a lot of the categorising of generational experiences and attitudes relates to understanding around marketing and advertising, but there are definitely differences. Even between the three generations of my immediate family there are clear differences in attitudes, experiences use of language and expression through fashion. One example of these is that gender diversity tends to be viewed very differently based on age. Of course there are many exceptions to this but often older people (70s and over) find the whole concept baffling and even threatening, people of my generation want to be respectful but may have to consciously work at it and people of my niblings’ generation (teens) often have little to no issues around understanding and accepting trans and gender divergent folks and can’t see what the issue is.

As I said at the start, I consider myself a very ‘young’ older person. In terms of expression through fashion, I have blue hair and extensive tattoos, most of my clothes come from Dangerfield and Black Milk and art websites like Redbubble and Etsy. I consider myself very ‘woke’ and I ‘speak young person’ (although possibly at a beginner level!). However, in terms of popular culture I couldn’t reliably name five current bands or movie stars and there are so many fandoms now that I can’t keep up! I know when I really was 19, I was across most of the content in popular culture.

I don’t want to be young really. When I was young, I was bullied and had zero self-esteem. Being assertive and setting boundaries  was for other people, and I was constantly being given a hard time by predatory men. These days I do assertiveness well and I like myself plus I am kind of wise and people seek me out for advice and thoughts. I see people who are younger than me and think how much older than me they look but maybe our attitudes and experiences are similar. Not sure. And re autism, I don’t know if getting a diagnosis as a child would have made my life better, possibly but possible not. I think it probably would have just made my life different. I suspect I may have less birthdays in the future than the past but that is OK. I am OK with death. It happens. One of my favourite comedians, Russell Howard, said that life is about collecting as many memories and experiences as you can while you are here. I like that. I also like the idea that it is a good thing to leave the world a little better when you go than it was when you came in. I like that too.      

Yes, this is little Yennski. Cute, weren’t they!

Uncertainty, patience and anxiety

I am not a patient person. Anyone who knows me knows that. I want things done NOW!! Waiting for emails from prospective employers can fill me with immense anxiety and I struggle and have to distract myself by doing something other than thinking about whatever I think needs to happen. It’s funny because while that is the case for some things, for others it is a case that I could happily wait until the end of time. Odd this being human bizzo! (and I am delighted that Word accepts the term ‘bizzo’ and doesn’t think it is a typo!)

I suspect patience is a thing I could learn. Maybe I am learning it? Who knows.

Patience ties in with thoughts of anxiety around uncertainty. As an autistic person – and an ADHD person for that matter – uncertainty is not my friend. It usually goes from being aware that something is uncertain to worrying about the uncertainty to catastrophising about the absolute worst thing that can happen. This process can take a matter of seconds.

People often say I am good at having contingencies and working out my plan for the future. The next paragraph is an example of what others think is me planning well but which I actually know is me catastrophising…

  1. I am a small business now and I have a mortgage
  2. I currently only have one day a week of regular work and the contract for that expires in May 2025
  3. I have enough money coming in from my business at this point but there is a possibility I will not get enough work and need to use my savings to pay the mortgage
  4. My savings will run out, nobody will want my services as a business and nobody will want to employ me
  5. I will run out of money
  6. I will have to sell Yennski HQ
  7. I will have to move in with my parents or a shared house and I will need to give up my kitty
  8. I will be miserable, unable to work, unwell with schizophrenia on an ongoing basis and die unhappy

This process goes through my head a lot more times than it should.

However, a person can look at uncertain situations and think about the potential for either a negative or a positive outcome. So instead of the scenario above I could say:

  1. I have a small business and a mortgage
  2. I am currently earning enough money to support myself
  3. If I need more regular work I am highly employable and some organisation is bound to want my expertise in their company
  4. I should be able to stay at Yennski HQ for as long as I choose and keep my kitty
  5. I will die at a good old age, fulfilled and happy, surrounded by family and friends – and cats – and will leave a wonderful legacy.

I do wonder why my brain so often goes to the first scenario. I think I might be hard wired to worry and catastrophise and see the negatives. I don’t want to and suspect it might be possible to alter that initial response to uncertainty.

For me at the moment it is all about managing uncertainty, altering my focus and approach to things and practicing patience wherever I can. I suspect these are ongoing skills that will hopefully improve over time. I think I need to take a leaf out of Sunflower the kitty’s book – she is very good at waiting for things and is rarely anxious. And despite being a cat I doubt that she ever ‘cat’astrophises!  

I do hope I learn how to manage uncertainty better, limit catastrophising and build my ability to wait for things patiently. I guess it is nice to get to work on self-improvement!

Sunflower kitty practicing patience, relaxation and kitty mindfulness (which I am sure is a thing!)

What a year!!

2024 was one of the most challenging, difficult and amazing years of my life. I made difficult decisions and made some major changes, most of which turned out to be very positive.

The most significant change for 2024 (and possibly ever) was that I left my public service job of over 17 years and went into business for myself. This decision was described as ‘brave’! It was actually in response to my being very unhappy at work and needing a change in a hurry.  It wasn’t really a choice to my mind, but I have not regretted my decision even once. Everyone tells me how happy I seem now – even my parents say I sound happy on the phone! My mental health is better than I think it has ever been, and my only worry is uncertainty around where my income will come from – but thus far it has been OK. I think leaving my job was one of the most radical changes in my whole life! Being a business is wonderful – and if anyone has any work they need me to do please let me know!!

I have had a lot of accomplishments this year. I had five books published in 2024! They were three new titles in the Awesome guides for amazing autistic kids’ series – one on autistic pride, one on feelings and emotions and one on relationships with friends and family. These were coauthored with the awesome Tanya Masterman and illustrated by the equally awesome Glynn Masterman. I also had In Our Words (with Wayne Herbert and thirteen amazing contributors) and The Neurodivergent Blogger published by Lived Places Publishing. I see a pleasantly healthy  royalty payment or two in my future! I do love the books. If I could choose to do only do one thing in my working life it would be to write the books

I also became an academic at two universities. No idea how I managed that, but it is pretty cool. I created a course on autism in adulthood for My Life My Decisions which we have run once and are now advertising it for a second time. Here is a link if you are interested – and it isn’t just for students – https://mylifemydecisions.org/courses-page/

I spent the year continuing to bond with Sunflower the cat (who is currently sitting on my foot and purring loudly!). She is so lovely. She doesn’t have any aggression in her. Even the vet calls her ‘princess’ probably because instead of attacking her (as Mr Kitty was notorious for among every vet he ever met), Sunflower thinks the vet is a new friend needing cuddles and purrs! In January I got a tattoo of Sunflower and Mr Kitty on my right arm which is a lovely thing – and probably confirms me as a crazy cat person!

I did loads of talks for different organisations including three as part of Spring Out (Canberra Queer festival held in November each year) and two for I-Day. I MC’ed the Disability Leadership Oration and watched my second TEDx talk quite a lot of times (In my defence it is a good TED talk, even if I did it!!!) I made lots of art and started seeing a wonderful art therapist who has provided me with some great strategies around anxiety.

I added more artworks and ‘nice things’ to Yennski HQ. It really is the second-most Yenn place in the world (the first being the inside of my funny author Yennski brain!!). I learned things, met new friends and sadly farewelled at least one person who decided that they really dislike me – which I am sure is their loss!

I got myself a new passion / fandom which is the Borg in Star Trek. I hadn’t had a proper autistic passion for many years, so it was lovely to get a new one, albeit a very niche fandom! I think I have purchased most of the existing Borg merchandise in the world already. And if anyone wants to buy me a gift then anything Borg-related would be very much appreciated and would give great joy.

At this point in time, life as Yenn is pretty good. Had you told me at this time last year that I would quit my secure job and go it alone I would have been rather surprised! I think I did the right thing even if it is a little scary. I know I did the right thing. My former job was destroying me, and I was utterly miserable. Now my only problem – my ONLY problem – is a slight concern about getting enough work and I know on logical level that I am a very employable person plus I have all the necessary cards and clearances for employment so it is unlikely I will ever be unemployed unless there is a situation where my mental health or other issues make work impossible.

This year I turned fifty. Pretty much nobody believes this. I always say that there are two things people don’t believe about me – my age and that I spent time in prison in my youth. I assure you that both things are correct, even if they seem highly unlikely! Most people tell me they think that I am in my thirties – and I guess maybe people are fooled by the purple hair and tattoos and proliferation of pride-related accessories (including on my walking stick which has Queer Pride stickers all over it). I am not really 50 in my mind. I feel like I am probably about 22. Despite that I know I really have been on this planet for over ½ century and it is almost certain that there will be fewer birthdays in the future than in the past.  

When I was 25, I completely changed my life and made a clear decision to seek out positive things. Now at fifty I suppose I am doing a similar thing, albeit in a different sort of context. Let’s see what the next 25 years bring! One scary – and wonderful – thing about life is that we don’t know what happens next. So here is to my big adventure in the future, learning new things, meeting lovely people, making art, writing things and cuddling kitty.

Anxiety – a companion but not a friend

Like many autistic and otherwise neurodivergent folks I am quite good at being anxious! I can worry about anything. A recent example relates to the wonderful course I have created on Autism in Adulthood. This thing is amazing. Students in the initial tranche told us how much they enjoyed it and found it helpful. Yesterday we went out for the next tranche of the course and advertised it all over the place. You would imagine this is a good thing? Um, cue Yennski’s anxiety….

I worried that nobody would enrol in the course and then I worried that I had upset my colleague despite there being zero evidence for either of these things! I was so worried that I applied for two public service jobs this morning, thinking I wouldn’t be able to support myself as a business. Ugh. I always say I could worry for Australia!

Anxiety does not listen to logic. If it did psychologists would be unemployed! While it cna be unpleasant and even dangerous, anxiety is a valid emotion and has a very useful evolutionary purpose. Imagine the difference between a person who has capacity to be anxious seeing a tiger running towards them and about to attack. They would either try to fight back or run away from it or hide – these would all be very useful actions to take when under physical threat, fulled by anxiety and the chemical reactions that take place when a person is under threat or believes themselves to be under threat. Then imagine someone with no capacity for anxiety meeting the tiger. They might say ‘oh what a majestic kitty. Can I pat you?’ presumably followed by the tiger enjoying an unexpected lunch of the human variety!

While we need a degree of anxiety for self-protection, having too much – and having it on an ongoing basis – can be very damaging. People in prehistoric times probably encountered an anxiety-provoking situation for a few minutes or an hour and then the threat was addressed so they didn’t need to keep being anxious. However, these days anxiety can go on for days, months or indefinitely. If you have a workplace where there is bullying, every time you go to work your anxiety will peak and stay at a high level until you go home – and even then it will probably follow you wherever you go. If you have financial issues you might be anxious about that all the time. Ongoing / prolonged anxiety can be very damaging.

I have a few mental health conditions including generalised anxiety. I had this for decades before anyone picked up on it and thought it would benefit from some treatment. At the age of 47 I finally got medicated for anxiety and it made an instant difference. Anxiety used to be constant for me but now it is less of an issue. I also used to feel anxiety as a very physical thing. I would feel tightness in my head and ‘butterflies’ in my stomach. Now my anxiety manifests as tiredness which for some reason I find preferable.

Anxiety as a mental health issue is often discounted as ‘just anxiety’ – as if it is of lesser impact than other mental health issues. This is unhelpful. It is especially unhelpful for me as prolonged and extreme anxiety turns into psychosis meaning I cannot do anything much for about two years and which is very unpleasant and frightening.

I have developed a range of strategies to address my anxiety. These include:

  • ‘Trump’s at the door!’ When I was in a residential mental health service a while ago the worker told me I could imagine thoughts that cause anxiety as being someone knocking on my door. I couldn’t help them being there but I could decide whether or not to let them in! I adapted this to be more Yenn-friendly and decided the thoughts were Donald Trump at my door and there was no way known I would let him in! So now when I get worried with anxiety I say to myself  ‘Trump’s at the door!’ – effective and amusing all at once!
  • Distraction. This is to my mind the gold standard in mental health strategies. Focussing on something other than the anxiety (or other issue). It works really well for me and I recommend it as a strategy.
  •  Medication. Anxiety meds have changed my life. Please don’t ask me which I take because different meds work differently with different people. I would say be careful of regular usage of the benzo-diazepine family of meds (e.g. Xanax, Valium etc) as they can be highly addictive – although they can be effective as an infrequent thing or when Ia person is in crisis.
  • Worry journal / time. This one works by getting you to decide to put off worrying except for a at certain time of day – for me it is 5:30pm. Write your worry in a journal and work out strategies and mitigations during your worry time and then put off any further worries until worry time the next day. I always doubted the effectiveness of this strategy until I tried it but I actually now find it really helpful.
  • Be prepared and willing to accept help.
  • Practice breathing exercises – these can involve slowing your breath or being aware of your breath. I know a lot of people don’t enjoy meditation or mindfulness (including me) but there are some many methods of meditation and breathing exercises that it should be possible to find one that works for you!

Everyone has different anxiety strategies that work for them. I have been building my arsenal of anxiety strategies for a long time and I have found it helps to approach these things with an open mind and hope that they will work.

Anxiety is a serious thing which requires understanding, treatment and support. Autistic folks are particularly prone to anxiety given that the world is so frequently not very neuroaffirming or inclusive for us which can exacerbate anxiety as can a lack of understanding of autism and anxiety from clinicians. More understanding of autistic experience and mental health across the board would help address this.

Autistic AF

I was diagnosed as autistic in 1994. At the time it was considered a rare thing. In Victoria, where I lived, there were two clinicians who could diagnose autism – a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist. When Igot my diagnosis, I was told that I fulfilled all the criteria in the DSM IV (the diagnostic manual at the time) for autism (or Asperger syndrome as it was known then). Not some, many or a few but ALL the criteria. In my life I have only met one clinician who didn’t think I was autistic and that was in 1996 when autism was quite a new thing and many psychiatrists had no idea what it meant.

As a child and undiagnosed Autistic person, I knew I was different to most of my peers. I knew because people told me – mostly bullies sadly! I was desperate to be accepted and tried – mostly quite unsuccessfully – to mask and appear more like my schoolmates. As a young adult I thought I had mastered the art of masking and seeming socially acceptable, but it came at the cost of me having any sense of identity or pride of who I was. I didn’t ever want to look ‘different’ and if I thought something would make me seem more like the majority of humans I would do it! I didn’t accept my autism diagnosis for many years because of this.

I did thankfully learn some autistic pride and ended up accepting who I really was – as demonstrated by the publication of my autobiography in 2006. I am now very much out loud and proud autistic.

The purpose of this post is about self-reflection and understanding. I have recently realised that I present to the world as autistic in a big way. The reason I struggled at masking in my teen and early adult years was that my natural presentation to the world is, well, Autistic as f*ck! I only just worked this out. I mean self-reflection is one of my skills but it is hard to be objective about my own presentation as I am seeing from the inside looking out and not the other way around!

People usually respond to me in a way that I now understand means they think ‘ooh this person is different….’ There is a reason that only one clinician in my life has doubted my autism diagnosis – and I have had hundreds or mental health workers of one form or another over the years.  I could mask until the metaphorical cows come home and people would probably still think ‘ooh this person is different…’ These days I love my difference. I love that I fulfilled all the diagnostic criteria for autism in 1994 and I love that I have an accomplished and fulfilled life complete with all my various differences.

I am so proud to by me obviously autistic self. I actually have no idea what motivates neurotypical folks and how they present to the world. If someone said they would pay me lots of money to play the part of a neurotypical person I would struggle – and this is probablty a good thing. I am (very) different not less and I get to share my perspectives with the neurotypical / allistic folks to help them understand autistic perspectives through viewing my experience and how I present to the world.

It took me a long time to understand that I am ‘different’ on any deep level but now I do, I think it is awesome. I have also become very confident in my middle age so if someone has an issue with my ‘difference’ and wants to give me a hard time than I really don’t care. I don’t feel bad like I used to when people attacked me for being visibly ‘different’. I either ignore the person or I call them on it, depending on the situation. I wish I had that confidence as a child, teen and young adult but I do now so that is OK too.

I love that lot of autistic young people these days seem to be so much more confident that I was at their age and that they have a ‘family’ of other autistic people. I would never have imagined that happening when I was younger. A sense of pride and self-acceptance is a wonderful thing.

I am Autistic as F*ck and happy and proud to be so. Difference is not only not less, but it is awesome! So, I share my pride in my difference and the fact that I navigate the world as a visibly different person and an out loud and proud autistic and ADHD (AuDHD) person and someone who also belongs to a number of Queer identities and has schizophrenia. Own your pride, own your difference and keep being wonderful.

History – or being an ethical person with an unethical past

There are two things which people don’t believe about me when I tell them. One is my age. Apparently, I look like I am in my thirties, but I am in fact fifty. The other one relates to what I view as my ancient history. Between 1994 and 1999 I was a criminal. Of course, this is now so long ago that it doesn’t show up on a police check, but it impacts on my sense of who I am and wish my actions in those years had never happened.

When I was (actually) 30 I met autistic advocate and internationally bestselling author Polly Samuel. I had only recently embraced my autism diagnosis. I was very poor living in public housing with a stalker for a neighbour. I was also studying at university in order to get a degree so I could get a ‘real’ job and move out of my public housing flat. I met Polly at a course for autistic people to enable us to work giving presentations on autism to school students. As I was new to the autistic community I hadn’t heard of Polly. She told me she had written nine books, and I thought this was very cool. We soon became friends and Polly became my mentor and a huge catalyst for positive change in my life.

At the time a lot of people had told me I should write my life story and I always declined. I thought if I published my story it would result in judgment and criticism, something I preferred to avoid! Polly said to me that when she gave talks to parents of autistic kids there were always parents who sat up the back and didn’t stay for the cup of tea at the end. These were the parents of autistic kids involved in the criminal justice system. Polly said my book would be for those parents. It took me half a second to realise that was my own parents, so I wrote the book!  

The book was published. This gave me a lot of confidence leading me to apply for – and get – a job with the Australian Public Service. I had to answer a lot of questions about my ‘interesting’ past, but my employment was approved. I was a public servant for 17 years and it enabled me to buy property and became completely independent.

I call myself a highly ethical person with an unethical past. I regret the things that happened in my past despite there being mitigating circumstances. I think my criminal history related to system failure and a lack of appropriate services more than me being evil. However, it is important to note that I did have a choice, and I made the wrong decision on a number of occasions. I think that criminal behaviour has both an individual and societal component. It is no surprise that research has shown that certain postcodes have considerably greater rates of criminal behaviour and victimisation than others and that these postcodes are in areas of economic and social disadvantage.  

I know about institutions. In between prison, psychiatric hospitals and mental health residential care I have spent ten years – or twenty per cent of my life – in institutions of one kind or another. There is a temptation to institutions. Being independent comes with it a lot of responsibility and hard work. I have a mortgage and not a lot of regular work. Having my own place is amazing but it would be nice if I didn’t have the responsibility associated with needing to find ongoing work in order to finance my independence. Of course, I have no intention or desire to enter institutional care, but I do understand the attraction and why I spent so many times in institutions as a young person.

I don’t like my history. I am ashamed of it and if I could go back and somehow fix it I would. I do think it has given me a lot of empathy and understanding for others that I probably wouldn’t otherwise have. I know a lot of autistic and ADHD people end up in trouble with the law for reasons related to society not being inclusive and there not being appropriate services to support them. I remember many court appearances when I was in my twenties. My lawyer, Vince, would show the magistrate photos of my artworks and explain that prison wasn’t appropriate and the magistrate agreeing and then saying that there were no services that were appropriate to supporting me so they sent me to jail. Sadly, this sort of thing still happens thirty years later. This is an area where I haven’t done a lot of work, but which is really important.

Kitty therapists

Anyone who knows me knows that I love cats…. A lot! For most of my life I have had a feline friend. Being around cats is my happy place. They are a better support than a dozen psychiatrists and they make me feel good simply by existing. I got my first cat, Smokey, when I was a child. Since then, I have had Sensei, Monty, Hieronymus Bosch, Tilly, Mr Kitty, Major Tom and Sunflower. I have had friends tell me that when they die, they want to come back as my cat! All of my cats have been rescues – I figure there are enough kitties in the world needing homes that I don’t really want to pay someone a lot of money for a cat of a specific breed. I mean they are all cats, whatever they look like!

Sunflower is my current furry friend. She is such a sweetheart. Sunflower doesn’t have an ounce of aggression in her. She is gentle and sweet. I adopted her from 4Lyfe Rescue in Canberra. The foster carers said she was a very uncomplicated cat and that she is. When I take her to the vet, she makes friends with the vet and explores the treatment room! By comparison, when I took Mr kitty t the vet he would try and attack the staff and run away! In fact, one vet asked me if I boarded Mr Kitty because if I didn’t, I would only need to get him vaccinated every three years not every one year. I think they were keen to avoid contact with him! I used to have to put on big gauntlets and hold Mr Kitty while the vet examined him and gave him his vaccination! I don’t think any vet ever managed to take his temperature.

Mr Kitty was the most difficult cat you could imagine but I loved him so much. He wasn’t generally aggressive with me, just everyone else. He loved me and our bond was so strong. I got Mr kitty as a deliberate mental health strategy. Between 2010 and 2013 I was very unwell with schizophrenia – lots of hospital stays and general misery and unwell Yennski. I had a friend at the time who rescued cats and dogs. She kept saying I should get a kitty. I kept saying no because I worried that a cat might damage my house! Then one day I was home felling utterly miserable. I went out to get the mail and there was a little tabby cat sitting on the wall. I gave kitty a cuddle for some time and when I got inside realised that when I was patting the kitty, I didn’t feel unpleasant any more. I called my friend and asked her to bring me a cat.

She did better than that – she brought me four carriers full of kittens and one with a big grumpy black cat. The kittens were totally adorable, but it was the grumpy black cat that I ended up with. I picked him up and held him close. He immediately snuggled in and purred. He was mine and I was his. My beautiful Mr Kitty who was my mental health support cat and who I had for a wonderful seven years. He destroyed my carpet and vomited on pretty much every surface of my house, but I loved him so much. Sadly, my beautiful Mr Kitty had a heart condition, and I had to say goodbye to him in 2020, when I was in hospital myself. He was a complete menace, destructo-kitty and also the most wonderful cat a Yennski could have. Whenever I went to bed Mr Kitty would sleep next to me on the pillow. I would put my arm over him and cuddle him and we would both go to sleep. He was a prince among felines, and I still miss him. I am grateful for his support as he was a wonderful therapist.

Sunflower is very different. She is quiet and sweet and affectionate. She likes everyone. She will come up to me and flop on the floor which is Sunflower language for ‘please pat me now’. She is playful and loves toys. She is terrified of the outdoors. She has not attempted to go outside since I have had her – almost two years. She follows me wherever I go in the house and gives excellent feline supervision for such activities as having a shower or going to the toilet! I call her my feline overlord and my black and gold brand cat (as she is a dark tortie, so is black and ginger). Sunflower is the best thing in my house by a long shot.

Whenever I come home she follows me into the bedroom and gets a big cuddle. She also likes to give kisses, mostly just to me. When mumma cats have kittens they lick them for grooming and affection. Sunflower loves to lick my hands – and sometimes my head! When I got her she had five kittens. She is the first cat mumma that I have had and I think it is one reason why she is so affectionate. She is desexed now so no more kittens.  

Cats are just the best. When I die, I want to go wherever the cats go!

A lot of other autistic people love cats and other animals. It is a common autistic characteristic. I don’t get human body language, but I do understand nonverbal cues of cats. Cats are easier than humans to my mind. When I was younger if I went to a party, I would talk to the pets rather than the humans! I love how cats make such a difference to me. My mum always worries that I will turn into a crazy cat person and end up with ten cats! While I actually would like ten cats, I don’t think it would be fair on the cats to live in my quite small apartment! I think mostly cats like to be the only cat in a household.

So, cats are amazing therapists at least in my experience. I remember when I just got Mr kitty I had been going to a mental health respite place. They called and said they had a spot and would I like to come in for a couple of weeks. I said I didn’t because I had a cat which made every day mental health respite!

…And Sunflower sends you all some purrs. She is a very purry cat!

Rejection sensitive dysphoria – what it is, what does it feel like and why people need to know about it  

I recently discovered something which made a lot of sense to me and which I wished I knew a long time ago. This is something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (or RSD). Basically, it means that feedback can be experienced as a traumatic experience. People with RSD often become ‘people pleasers’ in order to avoid criticism. It can impact across many domains of life, such as in intimate relationships and friendships and in the workplace or in education.

RSD is apparently more common amongst ADHDers and in my own anecdotal experience AuDHD folks too (i.e. people who are both autistic and ADHD – which includes me). RSD can make social situations very stressful and result in people being withdrawn socially and being perfectionists and worrying about making errors. I had a job once where my manager had a lot of mostly quite difficult feedback for me, and I got so anxious that work went from being one of my favourite activities to being one of the least! I left that role and felt a lot better, but the experience had an impact on my confidence and mental health which took a long time to recover!

These days I tell any new managers that I have RSD and what it means for me at work. Being aware of the issues is helpful and explaining what it is to people that don’t know is also helpful.

I think RSD is related to anxiety – or maybe it can be seen as a trigger for anxiety and self-doubt. For me it is quite debilitating. It makes me afraid of situations – like performance discissions at work or evaluations of my presentations. It doesn’t matter if the feedback I am getting is positive, the very process of evaluation and telling me what is going on – even if it positive – causes high stress. My experience of RSD is similar to a trauma response. It is not a flaw or failing and it needs understanding rather than judgement. I have been criticised as being a ‘snowflake’ and being ‘unable to manage your emotions’ in the past due to my RSD. This kind of response is not only unhelpful it is also hurtful and not appropriate.

RSD is a relatively new thing in terms of it having a definition and name, but I think it has always been around. People need to understand about what RSD means – and especially managers in the workplace and teachers and tutors in school / university / higher education.

These days when I start a new job, I tell my manager about my RSD and explain what my experience of it and my needs around it are. It can be the source of criticism a being seen as some kind of character flaw which is unhelpful and unfair. I cannot make myself stop having RSD no matter what people say but I can build my confidence and competence if I am supported appropriately and understood! RSD can cause significant anxiety and feeds into processes of anxiety like rumination and catastrophising.

I try to address my RSD issues in a number of ways. I try to ensure that I am prepared for feedback before it happens as far as possible. I have been known to take a support person into meetings which I fear will involve harsh criticism and I try to keep an open mind about feedback such as when one of my talks has an evaluation at the end! In fact, it is rare for me or receive negative feedback for my talks or for my paid work at the moment, but I still worry!

I undertook ‘people pleasing’ for many years. I was terrified of confrontation or criticism from friends, partners – or anyone! I did everything I possibly could to avoid arguments. I am ashamed to say that I often wouldn’t challenge a friend or partner even if they were saying bigoted or disrespectful things. The issue of being challenged or criticised outweighed my need to challenge unethical or hateful comments. Even now I struggle to challenge people who say disrespectful things. I fact I think I solved these issues by only having respectful and inclusive people in my world!

People pleasing is a big issue. I know it has been and still is for me! I also think that people need a greater understanding of RSD, so they don’t think someone is being overly sensitive or that they are somehow deficient in ‘social skills’. More people knowing about RSD would be beneficial because it would mean that people can make allowances and view people from a kinder and more respectful perspective. Greater knowledge would also enable people who have RSD to understand that they do as I suspect a lot of people with RSD don’t know about it yet and it is likely causing a lot of stress and misery.

I am grateful to have my RSD identification as it allows me to understand myself better.

I don’t feel like…. Identity and self-reflection and perceptions of others

I am a very much out loud and proud:

  • Autistic and ADHD (‘AuDHD’) person
  • Disabled person
  • Non-binary person, and
  • Asexual person – among other things.

I talk about pride and inclusion and respect and identity all the time. The weird  thing is that when I reflect on who I am I don’t see any ‘difference’. I am me. I don’t feel Queer or Autistic or anything else. My identities in these areas are often based on the discrimination I experience and my sense of alienation from typical society but if you asked me what AuDHD ‘feels like’ I would struggle to tell you. I am just Yenn.

I spend a fair amount of my time doing public speaking and talking about intersectionality and identity and mentioning how I am proud to belong to my various ‘groups’. When I speak at these things I am often asked about my identity, and I really struggle to know what to say in any sense of knowing myself as a member of intersectional groups.

I am reminded of my ‘difference’ when I speak with bigoted or narrow-minded people. I was a guest for a research event at Parliament House a few years ago. I was attending with an autistic friend and two neurotypical people form the same organisation I was representing. I got talking with a woman who was a senior executive in one of the big four banks. I thought we were having a good conversation and certainly did not feel ‘different’ while speaking with her. And then the executive turned to my neurotypical college and said, ‘oh she’s very articulate isn’t she’ (about me). I was horrified. I felt a that I was an equal with this person who apparently thought it was amazing that I could hold a conversation. Ugh. Sadly this was not an isolated incident.

I know I am ‘different’ to the cis gender folks, the neurotypical folks, the heterosexual folks. I really do know this, but I don’t go through life reflecting on this. It only really affects me when I meet someone who treats me with disrespect, hatred or infantilises me. Inside I just feel like Yenn, and I am equal to everyone else in the world. Why wouldn’t I be? But I get othered all the time ad face all manner of disrespectful and poor treatment based on differences that I am barely aware of. I hope that I never do any ‘othering’ to other people. I do belong to a few privileged groups in that I am white and financially secure and educated. I don’t think I ‘other’ anyone based on this, but it is likely that I do so, albeit unintentionally. Please do let me know if you see me doing any othering!!

It comes down to that disconnect between what others external to me are seeing and what I am seeing in relation to myself. I know from people’s comments that my fashion sense is pretty idiosyncratic and the way I communicate is a bit ‘odd’ and my love of cats and Star Trek might be a little atypical but to my mind this is just being me and is totally natural. I often look at other people and make my own assessments – they might seem very cis gender in their expression, they might engage in odd and possibly stereotypically neurotypical activities like small talk and dating! These things baffle me and seem very odd but lots of people seem to want to do them.

I suspect that maybe everyone’s view of who they are and the view of them from other people are quite different. I don’t think you can make an accurate assessment of a person’s character through looking at what they wear or other ways they express themselves Making assumptions is not such a good idea! I try not to do it, but I think most people are probably guilty of making assumptions when they meet someone. I think the key strategy to address this is to be aware of it and try to challenge it when you find yourself doing it.

Enough about expression… I think there is clearly a disconnect between my view of who I am and the various intersectional groups that I belong to and that or other people. I don’t ‘feel’ autistic, but I clearly am, and I don’t ‘feel’ asexual but I clearly am. I actually feel like Yenn, but Yenn who has a number of identities and elements to my character and how I express myself, even if I don’t ‘feel’ like that.