I often say that I am the youngest older person that I know! This year I turned 50 which presumably is on the older side of middle age. I don’t feel middle-aged at all! I feel about 19 and I understand that many other older and middle-aged people also feel about 19. The important thing in this space is that I am NOT 19!  I am of a completely different generation to an actual 19-year-old. I know this because my oldest niece is 18 and the world she inhabits is very different to the one I do! Generational differences are real. I want to unpack my thoughts around these differences and particularly in the autism space.

Shortly after I actually was 19 I turned 20 (I know, amazing!!) It was 1994 and the appropriate diagnosis had existed in the diagnostic literature for less than a year and pretty much nobody had heard of it. The world for a diagnosed – and undiagnosed- autistic person was poles apart from what we have now. Schools had no concept of autism and how they might need to support their students. Thinking around autism was almost entirely negative and at the time I was diagnosed I am pretty sure the term neurodiversity was yet to be coined. The medical model of disability was almost entirely espoused – probably by both clinicians and autistic folks alike. It was a very different world. I was one of the first diagnosed autistic adults in Australia. People these days say I am a ‘trailblazer’ due to my tenure as an advocate, but I think also because I lived in the time I did and everything that went along with it.

I struggled with my lack of an early diagnosis. It actually impacted on my capability to be a good advocate at times. One of these was when I was at a panel event and there were parents talking about the positive interventions in school for their autistic kids and how these needed to be expanded. I was torn for agreeing with the parents that interventions and supports needed to be expanded and feeling very jealous that nothing like that existed when I was in school!

People in my age group and a little younger often get their autism diagnosis in their thirties or forties – often when their kids get a diagnosis. I think within the ranks of autistic folks this group of autistic parents probably forms a specific demographic and generation of autistic people. Then there are young adults, teens, tweens and kids – all groups that I love to write books for incidentally! The difference between being diagnosed and not – and also knowing you are autistic or not – makes a big impact on how autistic people navigate life. These considerations can cross generations.

In wider society – beyond the ranks of autistic people – there are also distinct generational differences, and these also affect autistic people form each group. I do think we need to be careful around generational differences though, as a lot of the categorising of generational experiences and attitudes relates to understanding around marketing and advertising, but there are definitely differences. Even between the three generations of my immediate family there are clear differences in attitudes, experiences use of language and expression through fashion. One example of these is that gender diversity tends to be viewed very differently based on age. Of course there are many exceptions to this but often older people (70s and over) find the whole concept baffling and even threatening, people of my generation want to be respectful but may have to consciously work at it and people of my niblings’ generation (teens) often have little to no issues around understanding and accepting trans and gender divergent folks and can’t see what the issue is.

As I said at the start, I consider myself a very ‘young’ older person. In terms of expression through fashion, I have blue hair and extensive tattoos, most of my clothes come from Dangerfield and Black Milk and art websites like Redbubble and Etsy. I consider myself very ‘woke’ and I ‘speak young person’ (although possibly at a beginner level!). However, in terms of popular culture I couldn’t reliably name five current bands or movie stars and there are so many fandoms now that I can’t keep up! I know when I really was 19, I was across most of the content in popular culture.

I don’t want to be young really. When I was young, I was bullied and had zero self-esteem. Being assertive and setting boundaries  was for other people, and I was constantly being given a hard time by predatory men. These days I do assertiveness well and I like myself plus I am kind of wise and people seek me out for advice and thoughts. I see people who are younger than me and think how much older than me they look but maybe our attitudes and experiences are similar. Not sure. And re autism, I don’t know if getting a diagnosis as a child would have made my life better, possibly but possible not. I think it probably would have just made my life different. I suspect I may have less birthdays in the future than the past but that is OK. I am OK with death. It happens. One of my favourite comedians, Russell Howard, said that life is about collecting as many memories and experiences as you can while you are here. I like that. I also like the idea that it is a good thing to leave the world a little better when you go than it was when you came in. I like that too.      

Yes, this is little Yennski. Cute, weren’t they!

I was diagnosed as autistic in 1994. At the time it was considered a rare thing. In Victoria, where I lived, there were two clinicians who could diagnose autism – a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist. When Igot my diagnosis, I was told that I fulfilled all the criteria in the DSM IV (the diagnostic manual at the time) for autism (or Asperger syndrome as it was known then). Not some, many or a few but ALL the criteria. In my life I have only met one clinician who didn’t think I was autistic and that was in 1996 when autism was quite a new thing and many psychiatrists had no idea what it meant.

As a child and undiagnosed Autistic person, I knew I was different to most of my peers. I knew because people told me – mostly bullies sadly! I was desperate to be accepted and tried – mostly quite unsuccessfully – to mask and appear more like my schoolmates. As a young adult I thought I had mastered the art of masking and seeming socially acceptable, but it came at the cost of me having any sense of identity or pride of who I was. I didn’t ever want to look ‘different’ and if I thought something would make me seem more like the majority of humans I would do it! I didn’t accept my autism diagnosis for many years because of this.

I did thankfully learn some autistic pride and ended up accepting who I really was – as demonstrated by the publication of my autobiography in 2006. I am now very much out loud and proud autistic.

The purpose of this post is about self-reflection and understanding. I have recently realised that I present to the world as autistic in a big way. The reason I struggled at masking in my teen and early adult years was that my natural presentation to the world is, well, Autistic as f*ck! I only just worked this out. I mean self-reflection is one of my skills but it is hard to be objective about my own presentation as I am seeing from the inside looking out and not the other way around!

People usually respond to me in a way that I now understand means they think ‘ooh this person is different….’ There is a reason that only one clinician in my life has doubted my autism diagnosis – and I have had hundreds or mental health workers of one form or another over the years.  I could mask until the metaphorical cows come home and people would probably still think ‘ooh this person is different…’ These days I love my difference. I love that I fulfilled all the diagnostic criteria for autism in 1994 and I love that I have an accomplished and fulfilled life complete with all my various differences.

I am so proud to by me obviously autistic self. I actually have no idea what motivates neurotypical folks and how they present to the world. If someone said they would pay me lots of money to play the part of a neurotypical person I would struggle – and this is probablty a good thing. I am (very) different not less and I get to share my perspectives with the neurotypical / allistic folks to help them understand autistic perspectives through viewing my experience and how I present to the world.

It took me a long time to understand that I am ‘different’ on any deep level but now I do, I think it is awesome. I have also become very confident in my middle age so if someone has an issue with my ‘difference’ and wants to give me a hard time than I really don’t care. I don’t feel bad like I used to when people attacked me for being visibly ‘different’. I either ignore the person or I call them on it, depending on the situation. I wish I had that confidence as a child, teen and young adult but I do now so that is OK too.

I love that lot of autistic young people these days seem to be so much more confident that I was at their age and that they have a ‘family’ of other autistic people. I would never have imagined that happening when I was younger. A sense of pride and self-acceptance is a wonderful thing.

I am Autistic as F*ck and happy and proud to be so. Difference is not only not less, but it is awesome! So, I share my pride in my difference and the fact that I navigate the world as a visibly different person and an out loud and proud autistic and ADHD (AuDHD) person and someone who also belongs to a number of Queer identities and has schizophrenia. Own your pride, own your difference and keep being wonderful.

There are two things which people don’t believe about me when I tell them. One is my age. Apparently, I look like I am in my thirties, but I am in fact fifty. The other one relates to what I view as my ancient history. Between 1994 and 1999 I was a criminal. Of course, this is now so long ago that it doesn’t show up on a police check, but it impacts on my sense of who I am and wish my actions in those years had never happened.

When I was (actually) 30 I met autistic advocate and internationally bestselling author Polly Samuel. I had only recently embraced my autism diagnosis. I was very poor living in public housing with a stalker for a neighbour. I was also studying at university in order to get a degree so I could get a ‘real’ job and move out of my public housing flat. I met Polly at a course for autistic people to enable us to work giving presentations on autism to school students. As I was new to the autistic community I hadn’t heard of Polly. She told me she had written nine books, and I thought this was very cool. We soon became friends and Polly became my mentor and a huge catalyst for positive change in my life.

At the time a lot of people had told me I should write my life story and I always declined. I thought if I published my story it would result in judgment and criticism, something I preferred to avoid! Polly said to me that when she gave talks to parents of autistic kids there were always parents who sat up the back and didn’t stay for the cup of tea at the end. These were the parents of autistic kids involved in the criminal justice system. Polly said my book would be for those parents. It took me half a second to realise that was my own parents, so I wrote the book!  

The book was published. This gave me a lot of confidence leading me to apply for – and get – a job with the Australian Public Service. I had to answer a lot of questions about my ‘interesting’ past, but my employment was approved. I was a public servant for 17 years and it enabled me to buy property and became completely independent.

I call myself a highly ethical person with an unethical past. I regret the things that happened in my past despite there being mitigating circumstances. I think my criminal history related to system failure and a lack of appropriate services more than me being evil. However, it is important to note that I did have a choice, and I made the wrong decision on a number of occasions. I think that criminal behaviour has both an individual and societal component. It is no surprise that research has shown that certain postcodes have considerably greater rates of criminal behaviour and victimisation than others and that these postcodes are in areas of economic and social disadvantage.  

I know about institutions. In between prison, psychiatric hospitals and mental health residential care I have spent ten years – or twenty per cent of my life – in institutions of one kind or another. There is a temptation to institutions. Being independent comes with it a lot of responsibility and hard work. I have a mortgage and not a lot of regular work. Having my own place is amazing but it would be nice if I didn’t have the responsibility associated with needing to find ongoing work in order to finance my independence. Of course, I have no intention or desire to enter institutional care, but I do understand the attraction and why I spent so many times in institutions as a young person.

I don’t like my history. I am ashamed of it and if I could go back and somehow fix it I would. I do think it has given me a lot of empathy and understanding for others that I probably wouldn’t otherwise have. I know a lot of autistic and ADHD people end up in trouble with the law for reasons related to society not being inclusive and there not being appropriate services to support them. I remember many court appearances when I was in my twenties. My lawyer, Vince, would show the magistrate photos of my artworks and explain that prison wasn’t appropriate and the magistrate agreeing and then saying that there were no services that were appropriate to supporting me so they sent me to jail. Sadly, this sort of thing still happens thirty years later. This is an area where I haven’t done a lot of work, but which is really important.

I am a very much out loud and proud:

• Autistic and ADHD (‘AuDHD’) person
• Disabled person
• Non-binary person, and
• Asexual person – among other things.

I talk about pride and inclusion and respect and identity all the time. The weird  thing is that when I reflect on who I am I don’t see any ‘difference’. I am me. I don’t feel Queer or Autistic or anything else. My identities in these areas are often based on the discrimination I experience and my sense of alienation from typical society but if you asked me what AuDHD ‘feels like’ I would struggle to tell you. I am just Yenn.

I spend a fair amount of my time doing public speaking and talking about intersectionality and identity and mentioning how I am proud to belong to my various ‘groups’. When I speak at these things I am often asked about my identity, and I really struggle to know what to say in any sense of knowing myself as a member of intersectional groups.

I am reminded of my ‘difference’ when I speak with bigoted or narrow-minded people. I was a guest for a research event at Parliament House a few years ago. I was attending with an autistic friend and two neurotypical people form the same organisation I was representing. I got talking with a woman who was a senior executive in one of the big four banks. I thought we were having a good conversation and certainly did not feel ‘different’ while speaking with her. And then the executive turned to my neurotypical college and said, ‘oh she’s very articulate isn’t she’ (about me). I was horrified. I felt a that I was an equal with this person who apparently thought it was amazing that I could hold a conversation. Ugh. Sadly this was not an isolated incident.

I know I am ‘different’ to the cis gender folks, the neurotypical folks, the heterosexual folks. I really do know this, but I don’t go through life reflecting on this. It only really affects me when I meet someone who treats me with disrespect, hatred or infantilises me. Inside I just feel like Yenn, and I am equal to everyone else in the world. Why wouldn’t I be? But I get othered all the time ad face all manner of disrespectful and poor treatment based on differences that I am barely aware of. I hope that I never do any ‘othering’ to other people. I do belong to a few privileged groups in that I am white and financially secure and educated. I don’t think I ‘other’ anyone based on this, but it is likely that I do so, albeit unintentionally. Please do let me know if you see me doing any othering!!

It comes down to that disconnect between what others external to me are seeing and what I am seeing in relation to myself. I know from people’s comments that my fashion sense is pretty idiosyncratic and the way I communicate is a bit ‘odd’ and my love of cats and Star Trek might be a little atypical but to my mind this is just being me and is totally natural. I often look at other people and make my own assessments – they might seem very cis gender in their expression, they might engage in odd and possibly stereotypically neurotypical activities like small talk and dating! These things baffle me and seem very odd but lots of people seem to want to do them.

I suspect that maybe everyone’s view of who they are and the view of them from other people are quite different. I don’t think you can make an accurate assessment of a person’s character through looking at what they wear or other ways they express themselves Making assumptions is not such a good idea! I try not to do it, but I think most people are probably guilty of making assumptions when they meet someone. I think the key strategy to address this is to be aware of it and try to challenge it when you find yourself doing it.

Enough about expression… I think there is clearly a disconnect between my view of who I am and the various intersectional groups that I belong to and that or other people. I don’t ‘feel’ autistic, but I clearly am, and I don’t ‘feel’ asexual but I clearly am. I actually feel like Yenn, but Yenn who has a number of identities and elements to my character and how I express myself, even if I don’t ‘feel’ like that.

[CW – bullying]

When I was a kid pretty much everyone at school hated me – or so it seemed. The bullies had a lot of cruel names for me. The most common insult was that I was a nerd. I enjoyed schoolwork and learning which apparently was not what I was supposed to do according to the other kids. I loved science fiction and studying, learning languages and following my various autistic passions. I hated being a ‘nerd.’ It was my least favourite insult – and there were a lot of insults! Poor little Yennie had a hard time at school. I will note that I wasn’t really nerdy in terms of studying. I am proud to say that I have a Master’s degree and I have never studied for an exam in my life. The information just went into my brain, and I downloaded it to the exam paper when required! Just one of my nice Yenn quirks!

Anyway, being nerdy was always viewed as a bad thing – both by those who called me it and by me. I would have loved to have not been a nerd, but I had no idea how to do that!

When I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 20 in 1994, I misinterpreted the diagnosis to mean that I had a pathology which made me a nerd! Obviously I didn’t want this. I was in major denial about my autism diagnosis for some years. I really didn’t want to have what I viewed as a diagnosis of nerd! The autism ‘label’ meant I was officially a nerd or so I thought, and I really did not want that as part of my identity.

Flash forward thirty years to middle aged, cat-loving, quirky, creative Yennski. I have learned to like and embrace my autism and my autistic identity. I am strong in my sense of who I am. And I love being a ‘nerd’. In fact, I am proud to be a nerd!   

I am now an eighteen times published author, I love learning, shiny things and science fiction! In fact, my current passionate interest is about as nerdy as you can get – The Borg in Star Trek! I happily embrace my nerdy identity. I actually love that I am a nerd and a geek. These things which were used as insults have now happily and proudly been assimilated into my self-identity (Borg joke!)

I used to try and mask my true self, my own sense of who I was. I was quite good at this to the extent that I lost track of who I actually was for a while. Now I don’t mask at all. I was giving a talk yesterday in the USA and I reflected that I just might be the most obviously autistic person in Australia! (Although I think I may have some competition in that space.) I love my autistic quirks, my Yennski identity. I am proud to be who I am – Queer, Autistic, ADHD and all the other good sorts of things that come with being Yenn.

An autistic friend once told me the reason I don’t get burned out is that I don’t mask. With me, what you see is what you get. I love that I have got to that point in my life. At one time I was so adept at masking that I didn’t really know what the ‘real’ Yenn looked like. I actually really like the ‘real’ Yenn – nerdy qualities and all! I can’t imagine going back to masking. Being me is pretty amazing and one of the reasons it is amazing because I embrace who I am.

So, I say to everyone, embrace yourself, your ‘nerd’, your autistic or ADHD or whatever other identity you might have. Being true to yourself is a lovely thing. So yes, I am a nerd and proud of it. (And ‘We are Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.’ 🙂